Reading all this in the adoption section is scaring me out of adoption?

Question

Reading all this in the adoption section is scaring me out of adoption?

Answer 1

I think to a large degree youre missing the point some where here, thats actually quite common and not helped by those WHO ARE NOT THEMSELVES ADOPTED speaking for those who are and misinterpreting/misrepresenting the feelings and opinions of adoptees.........



A few facts for you first. No one who isnt adopted has the right to speak for adoptees, not even if theyre adoptive parents. Im 43 years old, I told my adoptive parents how I felt about adoption in general and personally, only last year.......up until then Im quite sure they would have believed I was fine with it all. Fact is, most of us DONT hate our adoptive parents. Most of us love our adoptive parents and dont want to hurt them, most of us also have serious issues with abandonment and failure.....we're too scared to tell those we're close to how we feel in case we're abandoned again.



Ive been posting on this forum for a long time now and Im familiar with most of the regulars here. I can only think of a few adoptees who actually despise their adoptive parents, and frankly, I understand their reasons for doing so, a child who has been abused by their parents has the right to hate them, adoptive or bio.



Being adopted didnt ruin my life. It is a false belief that seems to exist only on this site that we are one dimensional beings...........being adopted is just one small part of my life. Yes, it is a part that I hate, and I have my reasons for that, but thats NOT all that I am, nor is it all that I think about. Outside of the time I spend on this forum, Im also a mum, a wife, a daughter, a daughter in law, an artist and chef. Like you I have friends and work to do and I manage it all, just like you do. Its obvious that being adopted doesnt consume my life......I think that logic should tell you that that is true for ALL of the adult adoptees on this site. We dont go through our lives bitter, or angry, or hateful, no one could exist like that for long.



There is a huge difference between adopting a newborn and adopting a child through the foster care system. Those most vocal in bad mouthing adult adoptees are actually fully aware, because it has been stated repeatedly, that NO adult adoptee on here believes that a child should be left in an abusive situation. It just doesnt suit some peoples agendas to accept that particular truth. Im not sure what people like Dena get out of what they do, but I wish that they would grow up and stop their little rants against us evil "anti adoption" people. We're not evil. We're just people who have lived adoption and understand it from a point of view that needs to be told and known.



If what you read here makes you stop and think about what you want, Im glad. That is after all why we're here. If you used to think that adoption was all rainbow farting unicorns then I for one am glad that we've shaken you out of your complacency.



ETA@ Karen r: See, right there youve proved my point. Im NOT against anyone helping a child through foster care.......NONE of us are, although some prefer legal guardianship to adoption because it removes identity.......fact is, none of you actually bother to read what we actually think, you just make assumptions from the first few lines.....and that makes you wrong. I pay you the courtesy of actually reading what you write, so why cant you do the same? Adoption through foster care, which actually HELPS kids who need homes is something I always have and always will support.



ETA@Frockney: Yep, actually, what I said is exactly what I meant, that NO ONE but an adoptee knows how it feels to be adopted. You can come to a realisation that adoption isnt all rainbow farting unicorns without being adopted, no problem with that, but when people start talking about how adoptees feel as though theyre experts.....well.......its kind of like you saying you know me, just because we're both female........words that should NEVER be said to anyone........

"I understand how you feel". Everyone is an individual, how they feel and how they process those feelings are theirs alone, you can empathise with them, but unless youve walked in their shoes youre going to be looking at it from a different point of view. Incidentally, what I said was actually aimed at those who constantly say that people should disregard the opinions of us "nasty, bitter adoptees" or those who claim that adoption is wonderful, because they know an adoptee or two and those adoptees are all happy about their lives..........so why shouldnt all adoptees feel the same?.......

Answer 2

Good. That doesn't mean I don't think you should adopt I mean that it helps prepare you if you do adopt. Adoption isn't black and white and each adoptee's experience is different. I don't particularly like adoption but there are times when it is better for the child particularly if they have been abused.

Answer 3

Well, if you can't accept that the child who you adopt might well end up feeling like that, probably you _should_ be scared out of adoption.



Read the posts. See why the people feel like that. Often it's because they feel that their parents were coerced into giving them up rather than helped to parent. Think about whether there's a way you could adopt that _wouldn't_ have involved a new mum giving up a newborn before she'd even had a chance to try to bond with her baby.

Answer 4

I started coming to this site a few years back and it has taught me so much about how adoptees feel. It has helped me understand better what my adopted children might be going through and things that they might not discuss with me because they don't want to hurt my feelings. They are grown now with their own families. I had two little boys I had given birth to and a step-son who is emotionally damaged by his drug/alcohol addicted "other Mom". My husband and I wanted to help a child in need and felt we were in a position to do so emotionally. We went through our County and attended seminars that told about all of the different adoption options and how they "match" children to families. After that, our goal was to take children out of a bad situation, that wanted a family of their own, and provide that family to them. So, we went for the Foster/Adopt program for an older child or siblings of any race and would like at least one little girl in the group since we already had three boys. I think that may have been the only actual selfish thing we did during this entire process. I wanted a daughter to shop with and do girl stuff with. We were adamant that the child/ren would be totally relinquished from their first parents and had been in foster care and had made it clear they wanted a forever home and a family to belong to. Then we were eventually matched with our girls. Two gorgeous little things that were so damaged from their years of abuse and the foster system that we had to attend counselling before they would allow us to adopt the little one. She was born addicted to heroin, crack, cocaine, methodone, and had fetal alcohol syndrome with significant damage to her central nervous system. The older child was a food hoarder with so many nervous tics she was thought to have a mild version of tourettes! They were 3 and nearly 5 when they came to our home. Many sleepless nights we wondered why we had adopted Satan and her nervous half-sister! lol!



This is why. Through all of the years of therapy and special schools and battling drug addictions and horrific mental illnesses (the younger child was diagnosed with early on-set schizophrenia with auditory and visual hallucinations) at 14 years old - we realized when our middle son hit puberty and nearly drove us crazy because we got him BRACES, which he pulled off with plyers, and our youngest son being diagnosed with insulin dependent diabetes, that there are no guarantees in life. The older daughter is married and has two children of her own and while I see remnants of her early childhood problems from time to time, is living a great life with her husband and two little boys and is a very talented artist. The younger daughter has had a very hard life with her problems and mental illness. But, she never misses a chance to tell us thanks for adopting her. She tells me all the time that had we not, she would be dead now. She says we have proven to her over and over that she is our daughter and we will always love her and that she always has a home to come to and that is what keeps her striving to live a normal life. That 3 year old "Satan" is the most loving child we have. She would walk through fire to help any one of us in her family. She is dearly loved and I can't imagine her not being a part of our family. And since then we have adopted my sister's 15 year old son who is profoundly disabled, when she passed away.



You don't adopt a child because it is easy or it will satisfy some need in you (like me wanting a little girl). You adopt a child that needs and wants to be adopted and you sacrifice a bit of yourself and your family and you learn to love that child and you take responsibility for that child and you never ever give up on that child, no matter what. It is their biggest fear. So, do my girls have issues of who am I and where am I from? - yes. Do I think adoption is a good thing? - no. What I think is in a perfect world there would not be a need for adoption. But, this is not a perfect world. And many of them want the stability of a family of their own. And that is where people like you and I come in. We do the right thing and give them one. Then we deal with the consequences. And in the end we can look back and say "Whew! That was hard work!" And we smile and we love our grandchildren and we help them research their first parents if they want to and we remind them of their dead Mom's birthday and sing Happy Birthday, and we hug them even though we know it appears to physically hurt them, but is emotionally healing them. So, you go adopt a broken child, and you heal it the best you can, and you love it no matter what. And if you are scared, try foster care first to see what you will be getting into. It sounds like your heart is in the right place. Good luck.

Answer 5

This is a question you can only answer for yourself. Adoption should be, first and foremost, about the needs of the children.



@all those who said to get a child from foster care instead of adopting an infant:

"Adoption through foster care, which actually HELPS kids who need homes is something I always have and always will support." Minimouse68 said (quite rightly) that only adopted children know what it feels like to be adopted. But by the same token, unless you've had a child (or the child of a relative or close friend) unjustifiably taken away by child "protective" services, you don't know the dark side of the foster care industry. Some foster children already had parents who loved them and were trying to take good care of them. In many cases, the parents' only "crime" was poverty, which social workers tend to confuse with neglect. Are you aware that parental rights can be forcibly terminated even when no crime was committed by he parents? Do you know that hearsay can be used against the parents to remove their child, or that children can be taken on the mere suspicion that future neglect MIGHT occur (even when there's no evidence of prior neglect)? Granted, there are children who are truly abused who need to be rescued, but there are way too many other kids who never should have ended up in foster care. It makes no sense to oppose the adoption of children who are voluntarily surrendered, while endorsing the adoption of children whose parents lose them involuntarily on minor or imaginary charges.

Answer 6

My comment? Read the responses to this same question, asked a few weeks ago, which you've cut and pasted. You know the one - it was a troll who asked that one too.....



Edit: I totally agree with Minimouse and Kate re the difference between advocacy and "speaking for" someone. Which is frankly one of my problems with The Primal Wound - not written by an adult adoptee, but "speaking for" us based on being an AP with a degree. She clearly is a great source of help for many adoptees but I didn't recognise my experience in her books (I also read Coming Home to Self to make sure I wasn't missing anything).. Which again goes to show that every experience is unique to the individual and, although there is usually common ground, it is dangerous to generalise.

Answer 7

If we're scaring you out of newborn adoption, then good! Brilliant! Fantastic! Newborn adoption is just a nice way of saying "buy a baby." Most of us on the adoption section who come here day after day and have to put up with the rainbow farters like Dena K have actually been the commodity that is being sold, and we were damaged in the transaction.



Frockney- Can you honestly not tell the difference between advocating for a cause and speaking for a person? Let me help you out: advocating for a cause is along the lines of saying that "women should have the same rights as their male counterparts." Speaking for someone is saying, "I know a woman and so I know that they feel that they should have equal rights etc..." Speaking for vs. advocating for.

Answer 8

Good!



Maybe now you'll see past the whole sales pitch that is the adoption industry and do something really really helpful like either fostering, or helping someone raise their own kid, which is all that SHOULD happen.



It's entirely possible to help someone parent without snatching their child away from them: Each One Help One

@ http://www.values.com/your-inspirational-stories/1306-EACH-ONE-HELP-ONE

Answer 9

if something that you read can put you off adopting a child then you are not the right people to adopt. you should be 100 % committed and strong in your belief that you are doing this for the right reasons.

Answer 10

I write in this adoption section, but unlike the others, I have no axe to grind. I used to think adoption was the most beautiful thing in the world. Even more beautiful than true motherhood.



One day my colleague, who worked in the same office as me, told me about her pain and life-long struggle to find her birth mother. She loved her adoptive parents, who had since died, but she wanted to know all about her "real" parents. Her whole world revolved about finding her own birth parents. She could not think about anything else.



This made me think and rethink. I read a lot about adoption and I know, now, that I shall never either adopt a child (unless, of course if my sister died and I took over my own flesh and blood), or "give one up"



I have two of my own children and I cannot imagine loving a child who I have not borne or who is not blood-related to me. I cannot imagine giving up a child.



If you want children, it's easy: just have s-e-x.



EDIT:



Minimous I gave you a "thumbs up". However, I would like you to reconsider this assertion of yours :

"No one who isnt adopted has the right to speak for adoptees",



Do you mean by that that no man should support women's rights, that no white person should fight racism, that no adult should defend children's rights, that no rich person should care for the poor, that no employed person should support the unemployed, that no person living in a house should give to the homeless? The list is endless...



On the contrary, the problem I face when speaking against adoption (by this, I don't mean forcing children to live with their abusers), is that people who have never been touched in any way by adoption are totally oblivious of the problems or think that it's a most selfless, beautiful act. We know it's not.



And it's only by persuading the majority of people (ie, people like me) that you can have any hope to change the law and the attitudes. Or do you just want to moan and leave things as they are?

Answer 11

i'm hoping my son's tale does not supply up every physique from adopting a needy infant-one that ought to truly use a house. What i'm hoping that the adopting couple quite do their back floor verify on the infant they are making plans to undertake this includes the delivery mothers and dads and don't purely say we don't understand who your organic mothers and dads are. Adoption is interior the bible it says help the fatherless no longer pass around the fathers. If each little thing is out interior the open with reference to the infant's adoption and you share this with the infant the extra effective off the infant would be My son's infant's mom purely walked away and to right away does not choose to work out the infant even although my son has him for this month. I asked my son what if she desperate to choose to work out him latter. My son suggested he might permit her for he does not choose the infant to no longer experience as though he replaced into disadvantaged of her. I additionally asked him what if the allure courts supply the infant to him and the pre observed kinfolk lose will he enable them to pass to and notice the infant he could have suggested no(they took the infant understanding he needed his son) yet this is my son's answer= This couple did incorrect yet they love my son and have been good to him so why could I punish my son for what they did, 2 wrongs do no longer make it precise. Be trustworthy with the infant and your self and adoption might nicely be mind-blowing

Answer 12

There is a mob mentality of a few here that have been posting like this purposefully for YEARS. Some of the posters are valid and likely had a bad experience with their adoptive parents. This is the internet--and this is a very personal choice--take it in and figure it out for yourselves.



But others--they MEAN to change people's mind who are considering adoption by scaring them. Filter and take in something in the middle. Life is a crapshoot and we are all on the path we are supposed to be. Parenting means being open with your children--including adopted kids. If I was adopted and lied to, I'd likely be pissed. PM me if you want.

Answer 13

I think that no matter if a child is adopted or not, there is always a chance that they will "hate" their parents, whether they are biological parents or not.



If you are undecided, don't adopt. It is a huge responsibility. However, I think that if the time is right, you and your husband will know.



Just a little thought: My friend was raised in a very small church community where adoption was pretty much not talked about, and when she was 5, one of her church friends asked her how many children she wanted. My friend said that she wanted to adopt, to which the other child replied "why would you do that?!". My friend simply stated "why would I bring more children into this world when there are already children here who need to be cared for?".



I do think that if adoption is right for you, then by all means go for it. Those were some of the smartest words that I've ever heard out of anybody, and they came from a sheltered 5-year-old.



When/if you and your husband are ready, go for it. Please don't let anyone scare you out of something.



I'm positive that there are tons of children who would love to be adopted, and I know a lot of people who were and who love their adopted parents, and who show them more respect than most non-adopted children do toward their biological parents. One of my friends is adopted and she said that she doesn't know where she would be without her mom and dad. She also has 2 other siblings who were adopted, and they are one of the closest families that I've ever met.



Good luck with whatever you choose <3

Answer 14

Most people here don't like INFANT adoption, where mothers are scared into losing their babies to strangers----babies that don't even NEED to be adopted because their mother loves them. Most people here are against that because infant adoption is so corrupt and adoption agencies and SOME adoptive parents describe the babies as objects.



If you genuinely want to give a child a good life who needs a good life, you can take in a child from foster care. They're the ones who really need a nice home but are always overlooked.

Answer 15

I was adopted and I love my parents more than anything. If you read carefully you'll see that it's the same ten or so bitter adoptees on this board who are bitching and moaning. If you want to adopt, by all means, adopt.

Answer 16

Ann, I don't think the answer is cut and dried. But I can at least give the perspective of an adoptee. I was adopted at birth, and my brother was adopted as well (from a different family). My parents (I will refer to my adopted parents as "my parents" because they are) never kept our adoption from us, or made a big deal of it. I always "knew", and I knew I was special to them. I was always told that my birth mom was just not ready to have kids and so she gave me up for adoption, and I accepted this pretty easily.



I think what helped the most in my case was:

1. I had a great, GREAT family that I grew up in

2. I knew lots of other adopted kids, so it seemed normal to me

3. (*IMPORTANT!*) It was a natural fact of my childhood, woven into the fabric of it and not made a big deal of



My birth mom did get in touch with me at one point, but I have never met her, and don't really need to, though I might one day.



Knowing my birth mom's story, I'm really happy she gave me up for adoption. I had a great childhood, and have great parents now. I know that both my birth mom and my adoptive parents love me very much. It was very hard for my birth mom to give me up, but I had a better life because she did. I was lucky in that I never did struggle with feelings of abandonment, though I did have the normal curiosity of "what did my parents look like" and all that growing up.



I guess to sum up I would say, if you are ready to be a parent, you are ready to adopt. Parenting is scary and risky whether you adopt or not. By adopting, however, you will NOT "ruin a child's life"; different children will respond differently to being separated from their birth parents, but you can do a lot to support your children in their personal journeys around that. Talking honestly about adoption from the time they can understand, up through supporting kids when/if they choose to go in search of birth parents are all things that will help.



I hope this helps. Good luck with your decision,



Kelli

Answer 17

Please consider adopting from foster care---there are many children awaiting a home and family at any given time in foster care.

Answer 18

Crazy posts..really..my kid's birth parents terminated their parental rights last October without seeing the kids, without reason, just didn't show up to any of their court dates; a month later, I find out she's pregnant and the birthparents want to start over and begin a new life...really??

Leaving behind their first "batch" of kids. Kids are going to resent any parent in their lives, that's just the way it is. I know I will be blamed to some degree for the loss of their parents as they get older, all I can do is try not to blemish their BP's too much, but why should I? Fact is..their infant daughter was taken to the ER with "healing" fractures all over her body..and they blames their 1.5 year old for doing it, telling "their" 5 year old that "their" 1.5 year old did it so many times that "their " 7 year old believes it. Fact is, the breaks weren't consistent with their explanation. So my now 3.5 year old is still in the dark with this explanation of why they aren't with their BP anymore and my now 7 year old still has the same explanation of what happened. How is that fair? AN adult that takes zero responsility for their actions to leave all blame and responsibilty on "their own flesh and blood" ...a 1 and a half year old...and yet adoptive parents should be ashamed of themselves for wanting to make sure kids are safe and do the best they can to raise them as responsible adutls. I see all these posts be adoptees and I was sad to see that there are so many unhappy people. I'm new to this venue and I've read some angry adoptee posts and it sucks to know that there are so many stories of saddness and anger, but I'll be damned if I watch people tell others not to adopt through foster care! Every adoption IS diffferent you're absolutely right about that, and adopting my kids has been the best and most difficult, heartbreaking thing we have ever done. Everyday of raising kids to adulthood is challenging and if it's not, then perhaps you're doing something wrong, but to discourage others to adopt is wrong.

To the asker: Adoption isn't easy. It isn't easy because you have to understand that these kid's worlds as they know it, has fallen apart, some abused, neglected, abandoned, all of the above. Knowing that, and being able to be strong enough to hear them say, "I hate this forever family, I want a new one!" whenever you place boundaries and talk through it, then you should adopt. I can say so much more about this topic, but people have their opinions and that's cool, so I guess it's up to you, look into it..and good luck:)

Answer 19

There are literally like 3 people with tons of accounts who say all the awful things in this section. Don't let it scare you. That would mean that a deserving child will lose their chance at getting a good home because of a website where people can make many accounts. You should never make a decision because of ANYTHING you see on here!

Answer 20

Ann,



The comments you see on here by adopted "kids" are not indicative of all or even most adopted children. In fact, what you will often times see on here, is that those who are "anti-adoption" will routinely dismiss, ridicule or give thumbs down to any adopted child or birth mother who has a positive view/experience with adoption. So even though many claim to care about adoptees or birth mothers, in reality, all they really acknowledge or care about are those who parrot back their own agenda.

There are many issues surrounding adoption but what you will find is that they often times make EVERY issue adoption related. There could be many variables to why a person feels or acts a particular way but they will always, without fail, use the opportunity as a way to bash adoptive parents (because in their mind there are NO good adoptive parents) and to blame the adoption for the way a person is or isn't.



If one looks at the studies, children who are raised in open adoption turn out reasonably well. Contrary to what many would like to suggest, they are not tortured over being "abandoned" and they are not confused as to who their parents are.



Yes, there are issues that as an adoptive parent, you should make yourself aware of. In the last 20 years, there have been numerous studies and books related to adoption and meeting the needs of adopted children. Before you and your husband adopt,......and in my opinion....you most certainly should if that is what you want to do, you should familiarize yourself with some of the loss issues that an adoptive children might feel. It isn't a given that one will but many do. The fact that these issues exist for some, should deter you from adopting if you really want to. All children have issues. It is how you and your husband deal with these issues that will determine to a large extent how the child deals with being adopted.



If you want to adopt, I would highly suggest not allowing some individuals on here to dictate your outlook especially if some of those individuals do nothing more than cut and paste their answers or who will insinuate or straight out say that you are evil, "broken" "baby buying" or the hundreds of other petty insults they try to reap on adoptive parents.



Ignore them. They do NOT, nor do they ever, have the right to determine how your family is put together. If you and your husband want to adopt, great. If you want to only have biological children. Great. That is YOUR business and only your's. You do not need to justify it to them.



In the meantime, before you make your decision, go to the library and check out any books on adoption that have been written within the last 10 years or so. The more current the better. Talk to as many people as you can... teachers, psychologist, doctors, adoptees, birth mothers, adoptive parents, etc. And then make your decision. Don't make this decision based on the skewed and vindictive opinions of many on here.