@ Adoptees in reunion: Did you find your APs struggled with understanding the issues you were experiencing?

Question

I've just ('k, couple of hours ago, but close enough) been talking to my mom about some of the stuff that's been going on with my bfam, and mentioned the fact that waiting until the 29th March for my appointment for an initial conslutation with the Emotional Well-being service I've been referred to by the CPN is agonising because I need the help *now*. She replied by saying that the major stuff's over now and I can just get on with things now... completely missing the fact that it's now the first-meeting has been done that I've had so many more 'issues' crop up.

Now I know my mom doesn't try to be insensitive, but I'm just wondering if this is a pretty usual kind of reaction in your experience, or whether your adoptive lot were the rainbow-farting unicorns of the AP world and actually did grok these things?

Answer 1

I also think most people, adopted or not, are not comfortable hearing about someone else's sadness or loss.



I have a chronically ill child. There are few people with whom I talk about him to. Most people don't want to hear about it--it's a downer.



My husband calls this "get off of my cloud". Your mother doesn't want to ear about it--much less think she might be partially responsible for your troubles.

Answer 2

When I 1st found out I was adopted I was 15yrs old and I can still remember the day like it only happened yesterday = AM told me "I Hate You", great not only did my biological parents want me but this so called nice person who adopted me admitted she had wished she had never taken me on at all.



I used to get all the beatings, etc that their own son and daughter should have got but oh no let's take it out on Debs (that is me by the way). When I enquired about meeting my BP's the response was "You ungrateful cow" - no wonder I do not want anything to do with any of them anymore.



I was born in March 1960 so when I got to the age of 21yrs I eventually met my BM and everything seemed to be fine - until the daughter she adopted after getting rid of me came home so upset that BP's were splitting up - Guess who got the blame? Yes, that is right ME!! We never had any proper counselling back in 1980-81 and I feel now that more should have been done ie: writing letters to each other so that the back lash was not as bad as it was.



Would I recommend Adopting a child - well I have my very own Adopted Spiritual Son called James who has brought me so much love and laughter he is a true blessing - Thank You my son x

Answer 3

Yes, my APs have tremendous difficulty understanding the issues that were new upon reunion because they reject that my reunion is an ongoing thing. They don't see my re-integration into my natural families and my growing relationships with those to whom I am genetically connected as something that is actually happening at all. Without even that most basic acceptance of reality, they are not equipped to understand anything that exists within it.



They view it more like, "You got the answers and now it's out of your system." They believe that any relationship would/will occur only AFTER they have passed and I "need" parents again. In point of fact, I needed my own (natural) parents all my life. I never had good parenting -- I was abused in my adoptive home.



I used to try to soften it for them... I used to try to leave out a lot of the details. Now I just don't worry about it anymore. They don't care at all how I feel... so now, I follow their lead. They always seem surprised that I talk to my family members every single day. They always act as though it's just not happening... plain and simple... simply because they are not in the middle of it. *sigh*



In reality, it just makes no difference. I just keep on keeping on and I have given up any hope of understanding from my adoptive parents (or family members... including extended).



No, they don't have the slightest clue and I've come to accept that. It is what it is. They are who they are and always have been... and always will be.



As am I. And, clearly, I am not what they wanted. I never was. I'm finally happy with that.



Take care!

Answer 4

The ideal situation is to have the triangle where all are secure in love but often this does not happen. My adoptive parents would never have understood the need so they were never told of any search or findings.

Answer 5

Hi 7rin,



Search & reunion can be like roller coaster rides. It doesn't end when the person you are seeking is found. Adoption creates so many situations that those who have not been through it do not have a frame of reference to relate to it.



Am not sure how long ago your adoption occurred. Today's AP's are hopefully better informed of common issues. The information is certainly there now if they go looking for it with an open mind. In years past, it was not unusual for AP's to have thought that once a closed adoption was finalized, that meant there would never be any additional adoption-related issues in their lives again. Some may have thought that finalization magically turns them into any other family. To them, adoption may very well be something that happened a long time ago and need not be an issue for anyone else ever again as far as they're concerned. To them, it was all over. For adoptees though, it was just the beginning of more adoption-related situations.



Although loving & well-meaning, sometimes AP's are not always the best source of support for adoptees with adoption-related concerns. I would recommend for any adoptee to also seek out support from adoptee support groups who have been there & understand better. Adoptees need validation of their issues. It's hard to get that from someone who doesn't recognize that problems exist, let alone be familiar with how to address them.



In our case, it was not personally an issue for us. We knew our AP's would not be able to handle our reunion at all, so it was best to not involve them. Each adoptee knows their AP's best as to whether they will be supportive or not & when to get them involved, if ever. Sometimes you just don't have enough energy to meet their additional emotional needs as well as your own at a time like that. You don't have to do both at the same time. Take care of yourself first, 7rin.



julie j

reunited adult adoptee

Answer 6

Yeah. When I went back to Taiwan and I tried explaining in an e-mail how bittersweet it was, the response was that I could "always just go back."



Well, yes, I can. But that wasn't really the point. The point is that after all the years I was adopted, it felt bittersweet to be seen as "native" in a land and people that were foreign to me. I tried responding, "Well yes, I can always go back, but it won't be the same. I am now grounded in my roots and the alternate reality of what might have been."



Of course, the parent's response about "always just go back" was well-intended, but it still doesn't erase what happened nor the consequences that go with it.



What I find is that it's usually pretty hard for many people to understand what it means to have received a glimpse of an "alternate reality" that could have occurred if the adoption hadn't happened. So yes, that goes for adoptive parents too.



On another note, sometimes even transracial adoptees don't agree at all with this "alternate reality" viewpoint...

Answer 7

I have actually been fairly lucky with my reunion from this angle. My amom is really (and surprisingly to me still at times) supportive and careful with with what she says. She is careful to acknowledge my feelings and make me feel like she is trying to understand. She listens without condemning my biological mom or passing judgments, and has actually at times given me welcome insight into a difficult situation. My issue has been with my biological mother - she is the one who seems to have difficulty understanding my issues and feelings. I just try to remember that she has a big emotional claim in this also, and that she is likely feeling things and going through things that I don't quite grasp. There are some big disconnects there - sometimes its like we aren't talking the same language. My amom is no unicorn, but this is one thing I can be thankful for. Thank you for sharing - its reminded me that I have things to be thankful for in this mind boggling reunion. I hope that things even out for you soon - but I don't know how soon any of us can expect to seriously deal with what boils down to a lifetime of issues in a short time.

Answer 8

Certainly those who raised my did not understand many of my issues, but I found that my birth family was far more insensitive to me during the reunion process. I had a tenuous reunion with my birth father towards the end of college and just after. My parents (the ones who raised me) had seen the fallout from his abuse and had helped me through it. During the reunion, he didn't understand why this wasn't a particularly happy experience. He reasoned that because I had not been beaten in many years that I should just forgive him. My natural mother and my grandparents (who raised me) encouraged me to continue with this relationship because "nothing replaces the love of your mother and father" and emotionally blackmailed me to continue the relationship. It seemed insensitive to me at the time for them to push a relationship that I did not want, but even more insensitive for him to dictate the rules of the relationship. I have since realized that nothing is worth the emotional abuse.



I think that reunion is a very personal and powerfully emotional experience and that despite how much people are educated about the realities of adoption, they cannot help but hit some sensitive nerves. Even my brother, who was going through the process at the same time as I was hurt me with some insensitive comments about family relationships--and I am sure that I hurt him. We knew the damage of adoption, so we were not living in escapist fantasy, and we still say insensitive things. For me, loving the people who loved me through this time--despite our mutual, unintended insensitivity--was the best thing I could do to find my way to healing.



As an adoptee and an adoptive parent, I can relate to many of the things my children struggle with. I hope that I have learned through this process how to hit far fewer sensitive places for them.

Answer 9

My mom does a pretty good job of making sure to ask me questions and of really trying to understand what is going on. My dad however is more the "Well you met them! Now everything is fixed! The end." type.

Answer 10

my aparents think they understand everything bc they read adoption books and make me go to counseling. but they really have no idea how it is. and it doesnt help that my first mom and most of my bio family are absolutely crazy!

Answer 11

I'm an AP and I don't even think we were aware that these issues were there; back then. Of course now my daughter is an adult, and I've learning some things here, I am well aware of some issues; now. And death has not solved those issues for her but has left both of us with unanswerable questions.

Answer 12

Why must you vent about your mother like that? It's disgusting..What good can people on the internet do for you..You're old enough to receive TLC from the REAL world.