Making contact with son's bio mother... how to go about it?

Question

We adopted our son from Asia a few years ago, he is now 4 years old. I have been thinking of his bio mother a lot lately and would really like to contact her. I am of the same nationality and would be able to communicate with her without a translator.

She should be about 28 years old now, and I wonder if she wonders how he is doing. I have a bio son and I just cannot imagine how she must have felt giving up her son. If it were me, I would want to know where he is and what kind of family he is with.

We know her name and the town she's from, so I am pretty sure we can find her. If anything, I would like her to know that he is OK, ask her some questions about her family, possibly finding out the name of my son's bio father, and ideally have some sort of regular contact with her so that she can be part of our lives somehow.

My question is, how do I write my letter? I have no idea whether she would even want to hear from me. I am wondering if other bio moms who relinquished could chime in on how I should approach her, what should I say?

Answer 1

I have a son adopted from Asia. To make contact with his mother I found a person who worked for an NGO that fostered children and he went to the village and made contact for me. I didn't know the situation that the mother was in, but I had been told that she had never been to school so she coud neither read nor write. I didn't want her to get this really personal letter from me, have no idea what it said, and take it to a stranger to read. Anyway, from what I understand he told her that he had been sent by an adoptive parent of a little boy who was born on xxx and adopted from xxxxx. I had just said that I was looking for her to tell her where her son was and that he was well, and to give her pictures. Later on we exchanged a lot of information, but I was always very careful about the questions I asked her because a lot of those things might be her business and my son's business, but not mine.



We were in touch for about eight years before she cut off contact with us on the orders of her new husband.

Answer 2

nicely, that's an unlucky concern. i think of that she has long exceeded by using a good variety of soreness, suffering, and trauma relating to the shortcoming of her new child (you). Being a 'bio verify' isn't common in any respect. If somebody isn't completely good, then of course the terrible loss of a new child (however if it become best for you) could make existence that lots worse for her. She has long gone approximately reconnecting with you all incorrect. i think of she is purely attempting to get you to verify her soreness (and your a mothers and fathers), yet hasn't realised that heavily isn't effective. It won't get her what she needs that's somebody who is familiar with her soreness and frustration & a courting with you.... Reunions would be very difficult for all in touch. some human beings have a tougher time than others. Please wait and notice and probably be extra careful along with your decision of words around your bio mom. that's because of her which you're right here, so don't be snarky along with her and attempt and prepare some compassion for her once you talk to her. She is someone who has for sure been by using alot. So, do no longer in basic terms discard her. (i can assure you this is been carried out to her on a mandatory point a lot of cases in the previous w/ your bio dad, adopters, kinfolk, ect...) purely tell her which you would be wanting an area b/c the reunion is hard so which you will regulate to additionally and take issues slowly from there. possibly sooner or later you are able to help her. this isn't any longer all approximately you, you comprehend.

Answer 3

Laney,



Depending on the situation, which you don't know ahead of hand, she might welcome contact



You MIGHT try contacting her especially since you both have the same language. but please remember that it might cause more pain, shame, embarrassment and grief than joy, at least at first. You don't know what secrets she is keeping or has told to cover the birth.



Here's a letter template that limits and offers minimal contact at first. I doubt it would scare her or intimidate her if it was not invasive in nature.



Dear First Name Last Name.



Did you give birth on such and such a day and place your child for adoption with Named Agency? I believe I know the family that received your son. If you are interested in getting pictures and an update on his development please respond to mail drop address in her country.



You might send stamps and a SASE with this letter to allow her to mail it right off. I would send two of them a week apart, because the mail delivery sucks.





I've struggled with this idea a lot myself. I've kept my son's contact info for his extended family up to date.

Answer 4

I live in va & all adoptions are closed. My 4 yr old son is in foster care & I've been considering letting. the foster family adopt. My concern is that I want to be involved but cannot b guaranteed that. I think u should definatly contact her. Be honest with her. I'm sure there is not a day that goes by that she doesn't think of him. He is after all a part of her. If she doesn't respond or it doesn't work out like u planned at least u can live in peace with urself for trying. Some people have no consideration for the parents involved in situations like this. They think once its done its done & I think that all adoptive parents should at least try. It makes the biological parents feel more at ease that thier decision wasn't careless. Bless u for being considerate & wanting to make contact.

Answer 5

As a birthmom, she might not want open contact, but you can always just send a respectful letter.



Just say something like this:



I am wondering if you are the biological parent of ___ and I've been thinking about you, etc. I would really like to talk with you and I'd just like to let you know that your son is doing well.



Something short and simple that won't scare her or be overwhelming. And then all you can do is see what she does. If she replies, great. If she doesn't, then I wouldn't push it. She might just not be ready or willing emotionally.

Answer 6

Forget the letter. No doubt you paid enough for her son, so do the decent thing and get back on a plane and take him back to visit in person - then you can ask her about how often she'd love you to pass on news of him.



You say you're a bmom yourself now, so put yourself in her position and do what you'd want done for you.

Answer 7

Look at the adoption method. If it's closed, then no, don't contact her as it's likely she doesn't want to be. If it was more open, or whatever, then just be honest in the letter, I'm sure she will be overjoyed at the opportunity to see her child. Kudos to you for caring.