Adoptive parents, what are you doing to ensure that your adoptive son/daughter is included in your family?

Question

after your death?

Something that I’ve heard of happening all too often is that after the adoptive parent(s) die, their adopted children are 'dropped' by the remaining family, not considered “true” family. After your death, no matter how much you may have loved them, you cannot know how your family will treat our sons and daughters. What will you or have you done to ensure that they continue to be embraced by your families and that they will be provided for the same as other children you may have.

Also, was this something that you thought of when you first went into adoption? It seems that we mothers who’ve lost our children were suppose to think of every angle concerning our children with little or no counseling of the facts of separation, much less how our babies would be cared for, for a lifetime. Did you consider how your adoptive child would be care for, for his/her lifetime when you decided to adopt?

Personally, I hope that my son’s adoptive parents’ first concern is for family integrity after they’re gone, but I sure would be pissed if he got a lesser piece of the pie on the day of reckoning.

Answer 1

Are you serious?



Does this actually happen? Then those (your?) other kids were ill raised. And the parents have mental illnes and should not have been allowed to adopt the kids, That child should be treated like and is no different from all the other kids, They are in the will the same as are all the other kids. Five kids, two adopted? each kid gets 1/5. No problem.



This is incredible!

Answer 2

I did think about that before adopting. My father's cousin is an only child and adoptee. I grew up thinking that adoptees were part of the family just like anyone else because no one treated him any differently. I mean, he's a very important part of the family. It's not a party without cousin T. If you want advice, you call cousin T.



Until I worked at a law firm when I was older and saw how people haggled over estates to cut the adoptees out, I never thought that there would be a problem. Knowing that, before we adopted we did talk with the family about what would happen if we passed away. We had more than enough people to choose from for guardians. My parents came over to our house before we brought our children home and gave me what would be my share of their jewelry and family keepsakes because they wanted to be sure there would be no problems later. My husband's parents and unmarried siblings have made our children their beneficiaries - not that I asked or expected that, but they wanted that settled.



I do everything I can to encourage the relationship between my children and all our family because I do think about what will happen when we're gone. We adopted through foster care and are not allowed to have the children see the few natural family members they have. Instead, we make sure our children take turns going one at a time for weekends with their aunts & uncles or grandparents so that they all get to know each other well and have bonds that don't rely on me & my husband. The kids love this. They love the chance to be the only child (or only cousin) for a whole weekend, and they really get a bit spoiled.



But I also tell my children that they get to choose. If they ever decide they don't like a particular relative, say the word. I don't want them to think that it's a matter of whether or not our families accept them, they get to choose whether they accept our families. If, when they grow up, they want to spend holidays with their friends, or their in-laws, or their own family, that's their choice.

Answer 3

I can't believe families treat children that way. I don't mean that it doesn't happy, I just mean I can't believe it (not literally) that people can be that cold. It just seems like such an alien concept to me.



All we are doing is treating our children like they should be treated and deserve to be treated...as 100% part of the family. No "adopted daughter" labels, no "adopted sister" tags. Our children are our children with no qualifiers. I think because of my own upbringing there will be no issues with my extended family either. On both sides, mine or my wifes.



There has never been a difference made between my kids by anyone in the family. When we took custody of our oldest when we were living in India, my sister, mother, father and mother in law flew over for a month to visit and to celebrate with us. My father in law was unable to fly for medical reasons at the time or he would have been there. When our natural daughter was so ill after birth the whole family took turns watching our oldest and/or visiting at the hospital (keeping in mind that my natural daughter was born in Canada, while we were still technically living in Indian and spent a month in the NICU which ment my wife and I were half a world from home and living out of suitcases during the whole thing with no real home to go to). When we adopted our youngest just this past summer we took an extended vacation "home" to visit family and my inlaws are here now for Christmas. My parents are due out over March break. Our families are very close.



After we are gone though we have wills established that divide all items equally between the children with selected items ear marked for them personally. Under our laws thats what is followed so if they or someone doesn't like it then thats too bad. lol



I think that families that have the issues you describe would most likely have had them whether they had adopted or not. Issues and "greed" like that run much deeper then just adoption issues.

Answer 4

Being included in my family emotionally or financially once I kick the bucket? I will try to answer both.



First, the finances--my kids are in my will. And, I have a care clause for their care should I die about who their caretakers are. THere are never guarentees about what the extended family has put in their wills for me or any of my children so I haven't worried about that.



I did worry about our families acceptance of our adopted child since we had a bio one. However, kids are awesome and naturally endear which helped a lot. But prior to that adoption occuring, I had a family blog and have great cousins--two of which were pregnant--who were big supporters. It made everything easier and the whole family I think loves my kids more than me (which is a good prob to have).

Answer 5

This is an interesting question.



A lot of people probably don't think that their adopted children are seen as any less than equal members of the family, but you might be surprised at what will happen after you are gone.



I had the best parents in the universe who never "distinguished" between adopted/not adopted or not, we were just their kids, etc. and so on. But it's funny how after they died, not one member of the extended family has ever called, sent a card, or made an attempt to contact any of us kids at all.



All through my mom's illness with her cancer, all through my brother's ordeal with his brain injury and subsequent blindness, and both of those right on the heels of my dad's passing, nobody, not ONE person bothered to check up on us or show any concern or anything. Once my parents were gone, we adopted kids were written out of the family.



Now, I get to find out about extended family members' passing by reading about it in the newspaper.



I send out Christmas cards and letters that go unanswered and unreturned.



I spent years putting together an extensive genealogy on my adoptive family tree and has one person even said thank you? Pffft. They all took what they could get and when I asked for a few old photos, they disappeared.



So just a reminder that although you may love your adopted kids as though you birthed them yourself, sometimes the extended family doesn't always share your sentiments. Maybe they'll never tell it to your face or show it, but believe me, even years later when everyone is an adult and SHOULD act like it, they can be jerks in the worst way.

Answer 6

If anything should (god forbid) ever happen to my husband and I, there would probably be a fight as to who gets my son. Ever since he came into our home he has been fully involved in every family gathering and outing. He knows all his aunts and uncles and cousins on both sides of the family and they all love him to death. We always joke around about how he has his own paparazzi because grandma is always there with the camera for everything he does. My aunt calls herself grandma no.3. He had tonsillitis last year and someone said "oh well you know it runs in the family" totally forgetting that he is even adopted. Hope this makes you feel better.

Answer 7

I am rasing my adopted daughter with my biological children. My daughter is a special needs child and my husband and I have already had "the talk" with my sons about how someday when we are gone, they will have to look after their sister; either by taking care of her in their home or being her guardian and looking after her afairs if she is able to live in a group home situation.



I tihnk the most important thing tho is that in our home the words "step" "adopted" and "half" aren't used..ppl are just brothers, sisters, moms and dads, no matter what the "legal" terminology is.



btw: As an adult adoptee, I was pretty much dropped from my adoptive fahter's family after his death. None of the "brothers" or "sister" talk to me anymore, but that's ok cuz I don't like them either. I have my husband, kids and my birthmom and her daughters (my sister) as family

Answer 8

My adopted child is the oldest of my three children, so my younger two will always look up to her as an older sister. As for the rest of the family, my parents treat both of my adopted daughters like their own grandchildren, and my uncles and aunts treat them the same way. My children's' cousins treat them like family as well, as they are not very clear on the whole "adoption" thing, as they are very young like my kids. I wouldn't worry about it too much. Many people who go out of their way to adopt, and their family members, treat the child like family and may even try harder to make the child feel welcome than a biological kid.

Answer 9

We are so thankful that this is not a concern. Our families (both sides) adore our kids and see them as members of the family. Period.



When you adopt from China, you must name a guardian who also must provide financial statements and write a letter of intent. If something happened to us, our kids would go to my sister and BIL. I have no doubt they would be loved just as they are now.



While we were waiting for referral of our daughter, my dad made a point of telling me that he was already in the process of changing his will to include her and when our adoption of our son was finalized earlier this year, once again, my dad updated his will to include my son. This was my dad's way of saying, hey, these are my grandkids.



Also, something that deeply touched me: my family blood is very blue in Scotland. Our ancesteral home in Sterling has a family tree with everyone's names embossed and displayed for the public. We never expected them to include our children simply because they were adopted and that has been the norm for other aritocratic families. However, we were ecstatic to learn that a few months after getting home from China, our daughter's name was added to the tree and then again when my son was adopted. Seeing the pictures was very emotional and also showed that perceptions have changed. I cannot wait to take the kids to Scotland to show them.



I think it's terribly sad that family members can show such cruelty to family members simply because they do not share blood. It is a character flaw in those people. Again, very thankfully, my family has no such flaws.

Answer 10

I do not think that I have to worry about my children being treated less than equal by grandparents and aunts and uncles. Our Will spells out how our children will be cared for (physically and financially). I know that both my parents and my in-laws have also provided for all of their grandchildren (both bio and adoptive) in their Wills. My sister and her husband will become guardians (or maybe adopt) our children if something happens to both of us -- and we will do the same for their children should something happen to them. I know that everyone considers them "our kids" and, by extension, their grandkids, niece/nephew, etc. They are definitely considered members of the family...and I honestly believe they will be viewed as such even after our deaths.



It is something we thought about before we adopted, and we had the support of both families when we did it. When we wrote our Will, we specifically asked if we needed to do anything specific. He told us that our children would be legally covered as our son and daughter. However, the law gets a little murkier about "grandchildren", etc. He suggested that our parents/in-laws specifically mention that "grandchildren" includes "adopted grandchildren" in their Wills, just to make it crystal clear. (He felt that the court would eventually side with my children even without special wording, but that a substantial amount of the inheritance could be eaten up in court fees if someone decided to contest it.) I honestly can't imagine anyone contesting it, but I've seen *strange* things happen in other families over money, so you just never know. We mentioned it to our parents and they agreed to include special wording in their Wills, too...just so everything is CRYSTAL clear. (Actually, they mentioned all four of their grandchildren by name (two bio, two adopted) because they didn't want to say "adopted grandchildren" because they don't think of them that way.)



HOWEVER, as far as being invited to picnics, etc. by extended family... I just don't know. I do not come from a very "close" extended family. I have 6 sets of aunts and uncles, and close to 30 cousins, whom I rarely communicate with except with Christmas cards, at weddings, graduations, or funerals. (Those are non-optional in our family.) When we do get together outside those occasions, it's usually my mom who has initiated/organized it -- and when she dies, I seriously doubt anyone else will take on the job. (I probably won't. I honestly don't really like a lot of them.) So, my children will probably not be 'thought of' by that part of the family -- but neither would I. It won't be because they are adopted. My immediate family is pretty close (my parents, my in-laws, my sister's family, my SIL's family). I hope that that "closeness" will continue even after my parents and in-laws pass away. That is something that I will work for.

Answer 11

Dear Jessica,



We have a will dividing our estate equally between our five daughters. We have had to take out huge life insurance policies so that the only family members we trust would have the money to raise our five children, in addition to their own.



I hear what you are saying and out of all of our family members, there is only one, husband's brother & wife that we trust to raise our children. The wife is not blood related but her italian family has welcomed us as their own. They are genuine and dote on our children. We have had discussions with them at length about this and it is all addressed in our will how to handle "adoption" related issues. Every one has agreed. Trust does not come easily for me, them i trust completely.



I know that any other extended family that treated any of our children differently, would be reprimanded and cut out of their lives if necessary by brother and sister in law. I am confident they would handle these situations appropriately, as there are some family members that we wonder if acceptance is just a way to please us. Bro and sis in law would stand up and fight fiercely for our children an demand fairness. On top of that, they have agreed to honor maintaining contact to our children's other parents.

Answer 12

I think I actually CAN know a whole lot about how our extended family will treat our daughter. A child's guardianship in the event of the parents' death is something every parent has to prepare for. We were required to name guardians in that event in our homestudy, and extended family relationships and attitudes were covered in the homestudy. (By the way, that is not legally binding, it needs to be done in a will ap's) Anyway, K is truly as beloved a family member as everyone else. My sister and brother-in-law are named in our will as our daughter's guardians in the event of our death when she is a minor, and all of our money is to go to K. K is very attached to my sister and she would absolutely join my sister's family as an equal member of the family. K is also very attached to my parents, and my parents are NUTS for her. All of dh's family would remain in her life and continue to spoil her. She will not lose extended family members when we die, no matter what age she would be at the time.

Answer 13

This is a very in depth discussion of late in our household. We live far away from most of our family. Our children are getting to know grandparents when they come for an annual visit, but we are not very close with my brothers who live quite far away, and they would be the only ones we really would leave our children with in our family.



Herein lies the issue. My children lived with their first mother, were neglected and some other stuff happened. They went into foster care and now they are with us. We have two basic questions about if we left our children with one of our biological family:



1. Do my brothers have the skills to raise three children with higher needs?

2. If we died, how traumatic would it be for my children to move to an entirely different place and live with auntie and uncle who they have only met once.



Given these questions, we have decided if we die that our good friends would receive the children. They are very involved with them on a dailyh basis, they have the same parenting techniques we do, and they love them almost as much as we do.



Now, that said, their are provisions in our will for visitation and contact with our parents, the grandparents. I know my mom and my husbands mom will be very involved still, and our friends will support that involvement.



This is, of course, if we die within a few years. Perhaps in a few years the children develop more of a relationship with auntie and uncle, and that would be the best place for them, then we would alter.



Now the big things here is that this plan would be different if my children were biological. Why you ask? Well, if I had biological children, if we died, moving to auntie/uncle would not be as traumatic as it would for our children via aodption. Our children from adoption have alreaqdy have multiple caregivers, and need to stay close to what they know. The trauma of having a new set of people raise them who aren't fully integrated into their lives would be beyond horrible, and rightfully so, their old coping mechanism ie. really acting out etc. would come out, and my family does not have capacity to deal with it.



That all said, we, right now, on a weekly basis, make sure we regularily call our family, we use facebook to keep those pictures coming and all sort of things to keep them involved and interested, but in reality, when everyone lives so far away, we have to do what is best for our child, and if we die withint a few years, the contact with my extended family is important, but not as important as keeping them with peopel who they already know and love on a regular basis.

Answer 14

We have family members on my wife's and my sides who are prepared to take our children if something should happen to both of us. We knew from the start with the children we adopted that they would require specialized care and have family members who are in nursing and medical fields who are willing to take them in and integrate them even more into the family. We also have enough life insurance and other assets that our family does not have to worry about the financial aspects of our children's care.

Answer 15

Luckily, my adopted son is so loved by my entire family that we don't have to worry about it. He has specific things to inherit, as do the other children.



Also in my will are the contact information for his biological parents, including their dates of birth, last known addresses, family members, full names, photos, and his siblings names and areas they live in. This way, I want to make sure he has access to the information of his first family also.

Answer 16

My dad came forward within weeks of meeting our son and said that he hoped we would allow him to care for our child if anything should happen. Not only that, but since he lived out of town, he decided that what should really happen in that event would be for him to move to our house and raise our son in his own community....so there would be as little disruption as possible. My dad had his will changed. Since our son is not yet legally ours, should my dad pass away before the case is completed, he is still to receive the same amount of money as the other grandchildren receive. If we die, our son will get all of our money in a trust fund, and will live in his same home with grandpa until he is of age and able to do with the home and property what he deems necessary.

Answer 17

Actually, our will states DS's first mom will be his guardian should anything happen to us, if she is willing and able. If she is not willing or able, my husband's sister is named as guardian. We have large enough insurance policies that DS will own our house outright (in his name not other family members), and have enough available via a non family member trustee to live and go to college or whatever he needs.



The will also requires that the guardian facilitate DS maintaining all family ties, including first family.



All logistics aside, our families view DS as true family.

Answer 18

My family is not worthy of my soon-to-be children. If something were to happen to both my husband and I, my children will be raised with my bff, who is my chosen family. She is going to be an excellent resource for my kids. She reads on this board and sometimes posts, she has taken a great interest in learning about the adoptee experience, and we have had many long talks about what my children will need and how that is different from what her children need. I have no doubts that she would honor that. My children would have a good life with her, and they would be allowed to grieve ALL their losses.



My husband's family will want to stay involved in the children's lives. I haven't seen how they act around them yet, so I certainly hope I'm not wrong in my assessment of them as people who would treat them just like they do their biological grandchildren. I have no fear that my children would be disowned or "dropped". I'll have to get back to you on that after I see it with my own eyes, but they treat other children who are not their biological grandchildren the exact same (i.e. ex-spouses' children with new partners).



If my children ever wanted to have a relationship with their grandparents on my side, I wouldn't stop them (if they're old enough, that is). I have no doubts whatsoever that my parents will treat my children exactly the same as they treat all the other grandkids...they're alternately spoiled and beaten, hugged and ridiculed. I won't allow that kind of crazy-making behavior to be passed on to my kids as long as they're too young to make that choice.



In short, I wouldn't be adopting if I weren't positive that my kids would be taken care of in the event that something happens to my husband and I. I personally think it's irresponsible of people to adopt and have no plans for "what-if's". I mean, it's not like it's a surprise, you've got time to prepare. lol

Answer 19

I don't actually have to do anything. My daughter has always been a part of ALL our families and loved equally by grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, you name it. She IS and always will be a part of our family. She is also very connected and loved by her first mother.

Answer 20

hogwash. I still maintain regular contact with my family despite my parents' death.



this may surprise you a bit but most adoptive families treat their little adoptees like any other kid. There was no whispering, i even got gifts from the family at Christmas and on my birthday and we're still close.

Answer 21

My parents adopted 3. They wrote in their will that if I take them, I'll get their estate. If I decline, it goes to one brother, then the other, then uncles and aunts and so on. Eventually someone will either see dollar signs or have some compassion. Believe me, it's not that we do not consider the adopted kids true siblings. It's just a little insurance policy my parents took out to ensure that their new family gets taken care of.