How can a person still go trough with adoption once they are aware of the pain adoption can cause?

Question

This is something I have wondered for a while.

I am talking about international and infant adoption and adoptions where it isn't really necessary... so not including foster-adopt or abused children etc.

How can a person, once they have researched and seen the fact that in their actions they are inflicting pain, continue with their desire to adopt? I get wanting a family... I understand that... but I do not understand how there are people out there who chose to proceed adopting a child/baby when it is obvious the mother is being pressured and all they need is a little support in order to raise their own baby. How is this right in their minds? I have come across this several times now and received emails where this has happened and I am curious as to how a person can knowingly inflict pain on another?

This is a serious question incidentally...

Answer 1

Because most people DON'T do the research ahead of time. It's all about THEM and THEIR wants. They don't think about the child and what he will go through as he grows up. The "birth mother" is just a vessel that is carrying THEIR child. They hope she will pick them and so they do everything they can to convince her how perfect they are -- that THEY are more fit to raise her child than she is. Once the paperwork is signed, the "birth mother" is forgotten. After all, she is a crack whore who didn't deserve her child in the first place, right?



I looked into private adoption before adopting from foster care 5-1/2 years ago. I was so repulsed by some of their practices that I left the agency after paying some money (for classes, etc.) but before I had to write a Dear Birthmother Letter. Yes, that's what they're called. Gross, huh?



Anyway, this is a generalization about private adoption, not IA.

Answer 2

Knowing what I know about you and your son, I'd say I'd be okay with it, but like monkeykitty83 said, let them know how you found the contact information first so it doesn't seem stalkerish (not saying YOU are, I hope you understand what I mean). Just wondering though... how much does he know about you? Have they told him the reason why you relinquished? I'm wondering if the amount of contact should be based on how he feels about it. Like if he's at the stage where he wants to know you or if he's angry, something along those lines. Then the other issue you mentioned before... his sisters. Does he know about them? I can understand how it's killing you but I think it's going to have to be at his pace. The worst that can happen is they say no. He'll be 18 in a few years and he'll be free to search for you as he wishes. Good luck. I hope everyone will be open to the idea.

Answer 3

Myst-



How people stand by and allow a lot things that happen in this world...simply happen? Some are just plain selfish and are very good at getting what they want in life (No matter the cost to anyone else) or just don't see the bigger picture of what they're doing. They see only their happiness.



You'd have try and get inside some peoples heads to really find your answer. Why are some peoples eyes opened by their faith, and others are blinded by it.



I know in my children's case she did chose. She told me herself more than once. DOCS couldn't talk her out of it. ( DOCS put family preservation first- fostering is a second choice and adoption the last choice they offer. ) Personally I think she's one brave woman who knows her own levels of coping.



I read your blog a while back and I felt frustrated (And more) at the situation you ended up in.

Its also enforced why i don't like private adoptions and lawyers/solicitors being the only thrid party involved in an adoption. (At DOCS the government pays their wages, not potential adoptive parents.) Their only real concern is legal documents not human emotions and long term effects. How could people stand by and allow you to sign relinquishment papers like that without knowing your full rights is beyond me. Let along a lot of the others things that happened leading up to your daughters adoption...



I know I couldn't do pre-birth matching and neither could my husband. I'd be asking her all the time "Are you sure you want to do this? Do have anyone, or family who could support you?"



I had concluded this before I ever came across YA. I read a book once called the 'open adoption' thinking it would give me ideas about open adoptions and how they work. It was about pre-birth matching and it went through the process like that was what open adoption is about! Being in the delivery room, paying all expenses for medical etc.Ugghh. NOT how open adoption is done here! The book ended up in the bin!



Whats scary is that some people want that here now because they see it in America and its glamorized. I have very interesting book that some of those people could read that spells out why we can't go in that direction...EVER again. You might know it. Its an Australian publication by women who were forced to give up babies in the 1950's-1970's.



All I know is that I can be truthful with my kids about all aspects of their adoption, and how it has been conducted all the way through. I have nothing to hideor run from.

Answer 4

I get your question but I don't think that the coercion part of it plays a role in EVERY adoption. I don't deny that it doesn't happen sometimes either. There truly are the women who just don't want a baby and didn't want to have an abortion who felt adoption was THEIR best option, regardless of what others might think. I have thought twice about international adoption now since reading about "The Lie We Love" and a lot of it disgusts me, but then got to thinking about children in Africa. In some African countries the average life span is only about 40 which leaves many children in orphanages. No one can possibly know the circumstances of every child and to assume that all adoptions are unnecessary is a great disservice to the kids who really do need a home, and that does include adoptions outside of foster adoptions and abused/neglected children.



This type of question once again places blame on APs which frankly gets quite annoying because that also makes the assumption that all APs are baby snatchers who have no interest in anyone but themselves. That is not true. Have you not noticed how many people come here so they can learn? My views have changed a lot since coming to this board. I still have a lot to learn, I know that. Awareness is what this board should be striving for, not placing blame. Unfortunately there are going to be the women who will adopt no matter what and at any cost. But I think most people here are decent people who would love to give a child a loving home and are having a very hard time understanding why they're being attacked.



Another thing that bothers me although I do see the point in some respects, is that APs just want to have kids to fulfill their wants to be a parent. Well, wouldn't that actually be a good thing to want if you are going to adopt? By using the flawed logic that APs just want to be mothers and it has nothing to do with the child just does not make sense. Are there really people out there who adopt to make a statement of what a great person they are to raise some poor unfortunate child? Maybe, but I don't think that's the majority here. APs want to be mothers and can provide a home. Children need mothers and a home. It may not be your win-win-win situation but do you think the alternative is any better? Have you actually been to foreign countries and seen poverty, REAL poverty first hand? Real orphans? Children of unwed mothers who have no choice and I do mean, have NO choice (no welfare, WIC, medicaid, family support)? In an ideal world there would be no need for "unnecessary" adoption, but remember not all of these countries have moved into the 21st century like Western and other developed countries.



I'm doing my homework and I can tell that other PAPs are doing their homework too. No one is out to hurt anyone or to inflict pain. When my husband and I discussed IA, I told him I'd do it only if the child was really an orphan, but again, how do we really know? We don't. But he has seen the children out on the street. I remember visiting the Philippines as a child and looking out at all these huge cardboard boxes out in fields and my dad telling me that people lived in these boxes. It wasn't until much later that I understood what that meant and that was when I decided one day I wanted to adopt. How can I live with myself with the pain I'll inflict on someone? I wouldn't if they had a family. The question is how can I live with myself when a child lives in a box? When a child has to beg for food? Or worse yet, when a child is turned into a sexual commodity in order to survive?



If you don't believe it happens, here's my own story about it. My bastard (adoptive) father "bought" his 15 year old bride (he was in his late 40s at the time). She was sold because her family couldn't afford to feed her and her siblings. So yeah, call me what you want, selfish, whatever, I'd do anything to spare a child being made a victim. And I'm sure my dad isn't the only sick SOB out there to take advantage of these kids.

Answer 5

I usually tiptoe around these questions and answer very delicately, but today I am just not in the mood. How is it that the adoptive parents are the ones creating the pain...if the first mother would keep their child the pain would not be...plain and simple!!! I am really getting tired of adoptive parents being skewered on here to relieve others burdens...especially when we get belittled and questioned by every one...including those who have relinquished their child. Let's not throw stones from inside our glass homes shall we! I love the theory how first mothers should not be judged because we don't know their circumstances...well practice what you preach!



There was no coercion in either of my adoptions...they simply did not want the children because they were special needs...doesn't make them a saint now does it?



I am curious as to how a person can knowingly inflict pain on another?



Correct me if I am wrong, but this goes both ways right??? Doesn't a first mother hurt the child who she relinquishes? Does YOUR child not hurt by the idea you gave her up?



This is no serious question, it is meant to be mean spirited and hateful, same as most of what you have to say. We see right through it. I would gladly go toes to toe with you on the decisions I have made in my life and see who comes out smelling like a rose! So you can take your condescending words and shove em up your a$$!



ETA: In case you are wondering why I am completely out of character today, I just got off the phone with my eldest daughter's first mother...she once again apologized for giving me a "retarded" child...warm and fuzzy right? So no, I DO NOT feel sorry for ALL birth parents...sorry Charlie!!!

Answer 6

After I adopted my son internationally I found and financially supported his mother so that she could keep the children she had afterwards. She had three more children. I gave her more than a little support. I sent her regular amounts of money besides setting her up in a business and buying her livestock to keep on the side. Even with that support, after six years she begged me to adopt her other children because she was marrying a man who didn't want them. I told her I didn't think that would be right, and now one of the boys is dead and one was sold by the stepfather to be a five year old farm laborer. They kept the little girl.



Sometimes not adopting when the mother begs you to causes pain as well. Sometimes, just as in the US, a little support is not enough to make good parents out of people who don't want to be.

Answer 7

I don't know I will never understand how the couple who stole my grandson look at their self in the mirror everyday knowing that the father wanted his child and they didn't care. How can they go to church the same one that runs their adoption agency that had to settle a lawsuit because of this. How can they pray to god knowing what damage they have done to the child and his sister. How can they lie to the child and go on stand and lie then wait up in the morning like nothing happen. There has to be a special place for them after they die for these type of people. And what comes around goes around.

Answer 8

I think, and I could be wrong but, I think people want to believe that their adoption will be different. They will know what to do and say and they will be so perfect that Jr. will grow up totally fine and happy. I want that for my kids too, I get that. What is wrong is wishful thinking. If everyone who adopts believes their adoption is the one that was done right where are all these stories of unethical adoption coming from?



We are all good people who don't want to think that we could have been involved with something shady. I can't even imagine having to process all the corruption in adoption if i was an AP!! Let alone trying to grasp it all when you are experiencing the highs and lows of adopting a child. The agencies make it all so squeaky clean and shiny! They are different, they do it the right way, they don't make mistakes etc. They have every answer to every question all lined up so they can pull the wool over their victims eyes. Sadly they are also a necessary evil, without them there would be NOBODY screening these people, now isn't that scary. So you have them being all shady and the PAPs wanting to believe what the agency tells them because they want to adopt so badly, what a recipe for disaster!

Answer 9

" but I do not understand how there are people out there who chose to proceed adopting a child/baby when it is obvious the mother is being pressured and all they need is a little support in order to raise their own baby"



How do you know in EVERY INTERNATIONAL ADOPTION a mother is coerced to give up her baby ???? Have you been to every country from where people adopt Internationally? Or will you read the most general articles and base all thinking about it.



I live in India and i can tell you there are millions in an orphanage in a need of home as much as your kids in the foster care.



ALL INTERNATIONAL ADOPTIONS ARE NOT THE SAME .

Answer 10

because many delude themselves to believe that "their "birtmother" wanted nothing more than to breed for them. and the "few" cases of coercion don't apply to them. hence, why many on this board state that they are so sure they knew what their children's firstmother wanted.



it's the same logic behind sex work. many men travel to brazil, tailand, and other "poorer countries"; and are 1000% sure that every women (girl) in the brothel is over 18 and a raging nymphomaniac, who only wants to be a sexual muse for 40-something american men.



the fact that these women might be forced, trafficked or underage is a major mind-blow. hence, they simply deny it, come up with "ways to know" (eg. only going to "upscale brothels") or downplay it's existence.



ETA: i agree with aloha... all the "letter writing" means nothing to me. most "dear birthmother letters" are mere sale's pitches.



and the "letters from birthmothers" *can* be forged, fabricated or *gasp* coerced! when i was "braindead" and made an adoption plan ( i later woke from my nightmare) my "counselor" encouraged me to "write a letter too". in her words, "just write that you loved him, yet knew you were not the best mother to raise him." blah blah blah... and "WE CAN HELP YOU WRITE IT!"



code: we will write (tell you to write) what will best sell this adoption. and if you decide to deviate from the script, we'll edit it...



hence, had i wrote it, it would NOT have been my words.



isn't it amazing that all of these purported letters from "birthmothers" have the same theme?

Answer 11

i always wonder this question too but to me the question is more of why a woman who is capable of caring for her own child would give the child away, knowing that it will probably cause them to have a lot of pain for all their lives, and still think they are doing what is best for their child.

Answer 12

For your information, not all mothers are forced to place their children. My birth mom wrote a letter to my adoptive family, that if for some reason they could not continue in the adoption process that I would still have a place to go- she loved me - that is why she chose to place me. I met the birth mothers of both of my adopted children, and I tell you for a fact- they were not forced either. As a matter of fact, they had people in their life trying to force them to abort, and if they had, or 20 year old son, and our almost 17 year old daughter would not be here.

It is very sad when a birth mom is pressured to place- and if that birth mother really can take care of her child, I am all for her doing that. But just because it happens some of the time, that does not mean it happens all the time- and why should a couple who wants a child be denied one, because some birth moms are pressured?

Answer 13

They de-humanize the mother the same way that the military de-humanizes the enemy.



They don't even "see" the pain they are causing, or the serious harm it is causing to the child. They only see their own need.



When the child begins to really show the results of the break from the family, the adoptive parents will often blame it on "bad genes' or "drugs" even when there were no drugs. It becomes a narrow, tunnel-vision single-minded do-or-die quest.



"give me children lest I die"

Answer 14

The same reasons anyone does something not good, it is called denial. I know I could never go and adopt anywhere but foster care, but my blinders are off now and I can see some of the big picture.

Answer 15

One of my friends was adopted. She met her mother once when she was 14 and said she was glad she was adopted because she would have hated to grow up with her. If you can not raise a child by yourself you should not be getting pregnat. By yourself I mean husband and wife. Im all for gay people being able to adopt as well. A child should have the chance to live in a two parent home where the parents have enough money to take care of them and some extra so they can go to college and have a few nice things. I have family living in the projects and they do not need kids. No child should have to live like that.

Answer 16

some times its better for the child to be adopted i dont agree with lying to them ie not telling them they are adopted but if the mother really didnt want to give up there child they wouldnt they have 3 months to ull out before itys finilised and some people cant have children

Answer 17

very simple- some people have a NEED to parent a child....anyones child. so it's not really important where the kid comes from.

Answer 18

What Andraya said:



It's the "can't happen here" syndrome

-not with my agency

-not to me

-not with my adoption



thing is, you only see what you look for.

we only see what we want to see

which is babies, babies, everywhere but in my home.

this isn't only "The Lie We Love"

but the fairytale we want to come true.



things are clearer when journalists, whose job it is to seek the truth, adopt - read David Smolin and Elizabeth Larsen's stories below: