Parents of adopted children, or adoptees, what's your opinions about adoption?

Question

I'm a 19-year-old girl who has been thinking about adopting two children if the future when I have the ability to do so. (And most likely I'm not going to have my "own" children.) However, as I'm becoming more serious about the idea of adopting children, there are many questions/issues raised from it. I would like to have people with experience either adopted or being adopted to answer my questions.

So, I'm from an Asian family, the first question comes with adoption is that my family doesn't like the idea of me not having my "own" children. If I ever adopt children, should I tell them that these children are not my biological ones?

I've been thinking about adopting kids since I was about grade 7 or 8, but at that time, I wanted to lie to my children by telling them that they were my biological children, because I felt that in doing so, I can make them feel more loved. Then, after I read more about adoption online, I found that people prefer to tell their adopted kids that they were actually not their biological kids. So should I tell the kids the truth? If I have to tell them, when is the best time to let them know? For this particular question, I really want adoptees to answer because I really care about my future children's feelings and opinions, I want them to feel as much loved as possible.

I know I'll love my adopted children just like how I'll love my biological children. But I've heard a lot of stories about how the adopted kids choose to find their biological parents and leave their adopted parents eventually even if their adopted parents really love and care about them. I am scared of this happening to me because I know I'll use my heart to love my future adopted children, but it is a human nature that I don't want to be hurt. I can't bear the pain of losing my beloved children, no matter whether they are my adopted ones or biological ones.

Another questions that my friends raised is the nature vs. nurture thing. If the kids' biological parents have many bad characteristics, will this affect their biological kids? Even if the kids are raised by their adopted parents with good personal characteristics in a loving environment?

I really want both my children and myself to feel secure so we can maximize the love in my family. Thanks in advance for answering my questions.

Answer 1

I am neither an adopter or an adopted person so I can't answer from that perspective.



Before you decide whether to adopt for certain find out if you can or can't have your own. There are people who have adopted then had their own.



Not telling your family that you have adopted is wrong. If you didn't tell them you would either have to tell your children not to tell anybody or not tell them the truth. This is equal to lying as you wouldn't be telling the truth and it's morally wrong not to tell children they are adopted. My son was always told the truth and his adopters were even willing to help him search. It hasn't affected his relationship with them him and I reuniting.



"So should I tell the kids the truth?" ~ Of course you should. They have a moral right to know the truth. Just think how you feel if you found out you had been adopted. Secrets have a tendency of coming out and I have got to know late discovery adoptees over the years. They found out after their adopters died, searched and in a couple of cases they found graves (literally) at the end of their search.



"If I have to tell them, when is the best time to let them know?" ~ Right from the start. By the time they understand what adoption is it won't be a big deal. The longer you leave it the potential chance will be they will be upset. A child who knows they are adopted are just as likely to know they are loved as a biological child. My son has always known he is loved by his adopters and he also knows I love him.



My son's adopters were willing to help my son search with one reason being they wanted to thank me to my face for my decision. They didn't know about our reunion from the start but when they did they found out I had been blatantly bullied and lied into surrendering. It's probably helped us to get on apart from the fact that they are decent people. When they found out it was getting on for 4 years into reunion and my son was living with us. He lived with us for about 2 1/2 years in total. Just because adoptees find their natural family or are found doesn't mean they will want to cut all ties with their adopters. Adults can love more than one child and adoptees can love more than one set of parents. There is a chance that an adopted adult will cut ties with their adoptive parents but it isn't that common. On the other side of the coin I'm not adopted but I cut ties with my family due to the way they treated me. After almost 3 years I did get back in touch with my parents. It took 12 years for my sister and I to talk and that was because she rang me to let me know our mum had died.



With nature v nurture you simply can't tell. I suffer with depression so does my son. Our gesture, smile etc are the same. We share identical likes and dislikes although there are a few differences but it's right down to food, drinks (except coffee), the same authors and films as examples. see where nurture has played a part in his life.



If you're insecure maybe adoption isn't for you

Answer 2

I think you would definitely have to tell your family that the children were adopted. The children might be treated differently, but maybe your family will realize that blood doesn't matter and fall in love with them. I had a distant grandfather, as a child I didn't think anything of it but as an adult I realize that my being adopted affected how he thought of me. But to make up for it I had a great aunt and uncle who were amazing stand in grandparents. Hiding their adoption would be wrong and make the kids feel like there would be something to be ashamed of in being adopted.



You should definitely tell your children they are adopted. I knew before I can remember. It was always just a part of who I was. I think this is how it should be. If I was older and understood it more it probably would have been traumatic for me. I've heard this as a bad experience from other adoptees, finding out too late.



As long as I can remember I've wondered about my birth family. This has no reflection on my adoptive family. It's just natural to want to know where you came from. It's like there was a hole in my life before I met them. It made me more at peace with who I am. This is no reflection on my adoptive parents. As long as you are a loving, nurturing parent I'm sure your children will be there for you. Meeting birth parents isn't this amazing connection for most people. They are essentially strangers. Even after 20 years of having a relationship with both my birth dad and mom I still don't feel like their child. We have a friendship based on the fact that we're related.



Hard to say on the nature nurture thing. I know I have some weird little habits and mannerisms that are like my bio family. I think most of it is nurture, but there will definitely be some things that are biological in nature. I wouldn't worry too much about it.

Answer 3

1. That sounds horrible that your own family would hate your kids just because they don't have same blood as yours.



2. This one is always parents decision. You can never tell how kids react because there individuals no one is same will all feel same. I knew I was adopted before I was even able to talk. It was obvious because different skin color. Being adopted shouldn't tell them you don't love them that much it is opposite. You went out of your way to get them and even though don't have same blood your going to love them and raise them as own. So don't understand as much why you want it a secret. The problems come usually when they find out on there own and want to know why you kept it a secret.



3.I am not sure about these stories you heard, its true many adoptee seek out there family but I have never heard of them leaving a loving family just because they found biological family. Only time I have heard is when they grew up in crappy family



4. There is no one answer, they might take some of parents characteristic and anything bad usually can be put away with good parenting. Its not like they will be born as serial killers or robbers.

Answer 4

Yes be honest. Your family may treat them differently, but from what I have seen it is hard not to fall in love with kids whether they're your blood or not. That's your family's issue and they have to work through it.



While some children reach out to find their birth parents, statistics show it's not (anywhere near) the norm. MOST adopted children, even those adopted later in life, don't seek them out. If they do, it's even less likely that they will cut ties with you to do so.



As far as nature vs. nurture, this has been debated for years! The common opinion now is that it takes a blend of both to determine the child's personality. BUT consider this, how do you know YOUR bio children won't be predisposed to do some crazy things? Some traits can be dormant in you or your lover that you are unaware of. Also, adopted children could inherit some really awesome traits from their birth parents. We just never know these things.



Sometimes things aren't always what they seem with adoption. Bio families have some of the same issues and more, they just don't have a reason to point to. I think it is great that you want to adopt. You seem like a very smart young person who has put a lot of thought into this. Everything will work out fine.

Answer 5

There should never be any secrets when it comes to adopted children. If your family won't be able to handle the fact that your kids aren't yours biologically, you have a choice to make: your family or adoption. Since you're only 19, there is plenty of time to figure this out. Your family might very well surprise you.



Not telling an adopted child that he is adopted should be illegal, IMO. Children should be told from day one, no matter how old they are. Words like "adopted" and "adoption" should be used so frequently that they are always part of the child's vocabulary and there is never a big AHA moment as in, "Honey, I have something to tell you..." That is often devastating to the adopted child (or adult, as the case may be), because everything you've told them up to that point is suspect. Trust is destroyed and may never be regained. Imagine if you suddenly found out you were adopted. Wouldn't it change the way you feel about your parents, knowing they'd lied to you for 19 years?



Read the blogs of some LDAs (Late Discovery Adoptees). I know a few adults who are LDAs and not one of them has ever said that she wishes she'd never found out she was adopted. Not ONE.



I'm an adoptive mother and I talk to my son frequently about his biological parents. There is a twinge of concern when I think about him one day reuniting with his first mom, but I know it's his right and has nothing to do with me. There are kids all over the world who have multiple parents, through adoption, remarriage, grandparents who raised them instead of parents, etc. I truly don't believe that my son only has enough love in his heart for one mom...and if he does, then I haven't done a very good job of raising him, have I? My son doesn't have to choose between his mothers; he has two of them and he can love us both.



I believe that nature and nurture both play a part in a child's development. Babies aren't born as blank slates; that is, some things are hard-wired into their brains before birth. Is it possible for a child whose biological parents have been jailed repeatedly to not end up in prison? Sure. Just as it's possible for a child whose biological parents were law-abiding college students from a well-to-do family may raise a junkie carjacker. You just never know. It's a gamble with ANY kid, not just an adopted one.



There are over 100,000 children in foster care in the U.S. right this minute. Those kids need homes and loving families. I suggest that, when you're old enough and able to support yourself and a child, you adopt one (or more) of them. No need to buy a baby from an adoption agency or remove a child from his homeland in China, South Africa, Mexico, etc. If you still want to adopt in a few years, look into foster-adoption in your county. I did and I don't regret it for a second.



Aloha!

Answer 6

We are foster parents, and will likely adopt at some point. I'll answer your questions in a nutshell.



1. Always be honest. Tell them from day 1. And make sure your husband is on board with this.



2. Most adopted kids don't do that. They still treat adoptive parents as they would bio parents, even if they get on good with bio parents.



3. Bad characteristics can affect the kids if they are genetic. They can sometimes be minimized with a good upbrining, good diet and exercise, meds, etc, but not always.



Just be honest and open to the idea of them finding bio fiamly at some point.

Answer 7

I was adopted from China was I was very little, so my situation is a bit different because I was five when I came to the US, so I have very fuzzy memories of China. But you should tell your children. If you wait to tell them or never tell them and they find out on their own (and they will find out) they will feel hurt that you chose to keep their past and heritage from them. Adoption is a special experience and it can be celebrated. You can express your love to your adopted children by telling them all about the work and effort you went through to get them, which they will appreciate one day. You can tell them how you got to choose them, how you thought they were the best child in the entire world and you wanted them to join your family.

Answer 8

I Am adopted and I feel like you should tell them it makes it easier for some reason. I hated my parents after they told me I was adopted because they lied to me. But after a couple years I realized that it was for the best that I was adopted. I know my biological parent (only adopted by one parent) but its easier to hide it, and if they are in the same race then they may never figure out I had no idea tell I was told

Answer 9

I think people must most likely hear. These voices are principal, and although they make us uncomfortable or we emerge as disagreeing, listening to that perspective provided is incredibly priceless. That mentioned, I suppose persons should also appreciate that the voices you'll be able to hear on web sites and in blogs are highly self-picking-- which means that they selected to voice their opinions in particular, so those opinions are doubtless pretty robust. (I absolutely include myself in that assertion.) that doesn't make them wrong, of path, however that also does not necessarily lead to steadiness. Likewise, everyone are selective in regards to the sites we prefer to view, so comfortably what we're watching at could limit us. (Please observe, this applies to professional-adoption, anti-adoption, and the whole lot in between.) i would advise that "listening" to adult adoptees means no longer just reading things on the internet, but in reality taking some initiative in speakme to grownup adoptees in the real world, and forming mutual conversational relationships with them. The web is a useful tool, however I think it may oftentimes be used to interchange listening to each other in the real world. I do not suppose that you would be able to completely yourself with the aid of most effective studying about matters on-line, irrespective of which web sites you read or what stance you take on adoption.

Answer 10

ADOPTION SUCKS. the big one.