Have you ever been shown social approval because you adopted a child?

Question

Have you ever been shown social approval because you adopted a child?

Answer 1

People tell me that I'm lucky to have such amazing children. They ask if they're adopted. They ask how old they were when they were adopted (one adopted as a toddler, two as school age siblings). I guess the approval is implied. No one really talks to me about me. It's all about the kids and the things they got from their first parents: his athletic ability, her beauty, his sense of humor, all their different talents and their incredible personalities.

Answer 2

Yes, as an adoptive parent, I'm told all the time how "lucky" my children are and how "wonderful" we are for adopting them. Those comments make me uncomfortable and I try to steer away from them with responses like, "We're lucky to have our wonderful children."



That's not to say I've not gotten some negative comments also.



In "real life" there is far more social approval for adoption than disapproval.

Answer 3

I have had several people comment (IRL) that I was doing a wonderful thing "saving" my son. Or how "lucky" he is that we saved him. I have no problem correcting statements like these. As the advocate for your daughter and her place in your family, you (and your husband) should correct these comments whether positive or negative, if they are not accurate. Not doing so could send the wrong message to your daughter as she gets older.

Answer 4

Okay, I am not an adoptive parent but I was a foster kid and I am part of a very large group that is mixed between previous foster kids, adopted kids, and adoptive parents. In that group most AP's get approval from others. The group is also not open to the public and you are screened prior to joining. In a public Group such as this we all are going to have different opinions. That's a great thing. We all get to have a voice. I understand what you are saying about people claiming that ap's ask for approval, but some do, not always a bad thing but sometimes it is a bragging tone that can be annoying. Why does it bother you so much that people have an issue with this. Are you asking for approval? If not then let it go and understand that you and your child are not part of it. When you continuously argue something it seems you are part of it. Stop posting about approval and post about stuff you are part of.

Answer 5

Miasma? seriously? I adore that word. Anyone with words like that at hand rocks.



To answer the question. Yeah, we've had the whole "gosh, you are so wonderful to adopt, the kid is So lucky," etc thing from people.



and like the other adoptive parents, we deflect and demur. We're the lucky ones.



Your social scene sounds like other countries where adoption is still a huge stigma, like for example China, where it is still considered so shameful they fake births and never tell the children...



And like it was here in the US when I was young. 40 years ago it was considered sinful to have children out of wedlock and the women were considered to be in need of redemption. The children were considered bad seeds that would follow in their parents path and be trouble. That's changed some in my lifetime but in parts of the country, it's still considered by some to be a moral failing.

Answer 6

Repeatedly, I've heard people who don't know better tell me how lucky my son is to be adopted.



Let's face it. If he'd been so lucky, he wouldn't have needed to be adopted.



I'm the lucky, blessed person who has been blessed with the ability to raise this beautiful child! I cannot imagine any child in an institution. He's a 24/7 day job. His mind is so open, and he's had to go through losing his parents the first time, and again when they "replaced" him with a daughter, 11 months after he was born, and kept her and cut off ties with us for the most part.



Our child will always know he has first and adoptive parents. We all love him. They have their own issues and ghosts to deal with over this, and since the death of his adoptive father, he's gone through more loss. My prayers are that he thinks everything is "socially accepted" and that he feels blesses to have known me. I wish people would not say that he's so lucky in that aspect.



Here has been the hardest place to be an adoptive parent. On this board, you have to "grow big ones" to stay. I do learn from other's experiences, and this board makes me a better parent.

Answer 7

I've had social approval that made me uncomfortable because it didn't line up with the way I view adoption (no, I actually don't think God planned it this way, I don't think I'm such a great person just for doing this, etc.) I've had social approval that made me feel happy because my kids have been so welcomed into our communities. I've also experienced some disapproval in real life and certainly on this forum.



I'm sorry you have had such a bad experience here. I actually do believe you are who you say you are. I read your other questions and saw that your first question was 5 months ago on another board where you indicated that you are not Romani yourself but have a Romani child. I don't think you made that up five months ago to prepare the ground for fraudulent questions now.



I have found some of the posters here to be more reasonable than others. The majority I actually think are sharing their experiences from the heart, and even if I disagree with some of them on a few points, I think there is a lot we agree on. A few I find to be pretty extreme in their views. When my feelings have been hurt, I've tried to remind myself that it isn't personal. I've wondered how our conversations would differ if they weren't anonymous and if we knew each other in some other setting as people first.



I do wish everyone could be more civil and less sarcastic, if only to encourage adoptive parents to stick around and learn something for the sake of the children they've already adopted. It also makes me sad when really young people who are thinking about adoption someday just get jumped on and called names - I always have in the back of my mind the many foster kids who need homes and I hate to see a potential foster/adoptive parent made to feel ashamed for even considering adoption.



I continue to read but I post less and less. My questions and answers have become more theoretical and less personal. I hope to find a place where I feel a little more comfortable to ask some questions that weigh on my mind about our specific situation, but this isn't it, even though it is "anonymous". I don't really want a board that is just adoptive parents, and I like this format where I don't have to page back and forth through a thread 25 pages long to find the post everyone is referring to before I can understand what the discussion is about. But if it were a "safer" space I'd be able to get more out of it.



It is hard having many people continually assume the worst of us on this forum because we are adoptive parents. I've constantly tried to remind myself that someone who attacks me or people like me has a life experience that has caused them to want to do that, and that I can't begin to understand what their experience is like without having lived it, any more than they have any understanding of who I really am. I just think about that instead of attacking back from an emotional place, since that doesn't lead us towards any kind of productive discussion. I see how you let yourself get drawn in to justifying your actions and defending yourself, which you didn't have to do, since these people don't know you. Yes, some are judging you, and yet, it is not about you, you know? I have felt that temptation to defend myself too but I have serious doubts about internet "anonymity" so I have tried hard not to share any specific information. And what is the point of defending myself? It's not like I'm going to get support from people to whom my particular case is just an inconvenient distraction from the points they are trying to make, people for whom someone of my "group" may have caused them a lot of pain either directly or indirectly.



I think we should give everyone that little bit of room to be emotional based on their own experience. If I were coerced into surrendering my parental rights, I would probably see everything through that lens. If I walked through an Eastern European orphanage like you did and saw those children in those conditions, that would color the way I see adoption. If I spent years searching for someone, anyone, who was genetically related to me, without the support of my adoptive parents, I would be pretty emotional about it, and I might not be that well disposed towards adoptive parents in general. All of us can get pretty touchy since this is such an emotionally charged issue, but I really hope none of us "suffocate in hate miasma."



EDIT:One difference I see between your situation and mine is that you don't have a strong community of support where you are, which has to make it harder to navigate a minefield like this forum. I hope you do find some support somewhere if you can't find it in your community either. Look for an online support group with moderators to ask your questions. Take a deep breath, and maybe consider writing responses without actually posting them? This whole thing went down the rabbit hole and it's too bad, because your questions at first I think were very thought provoking but I think it will be hard to get much rational discussion on them now...

Answer 8

I'm not trying to be mean when I say this, but why does it matter? You love your child, and they love you, who cares what others think?!

Answer 9

I haven't adopted but I live in a society that gives approval to adoptive parents ALL the time and natural parents are looked upon with disdain as they MUST have done something really terrible to have their child/children taken off them.



I have lost count of the times I have heard parents who have surrendered be run down as they are abusers, neglectful, drug users. alcoholics, mother is/was a prostitute. I have even heard it from people who know I was bullied and lied into surrendered. All I get back in return is I'm different and what happened to me shouldn't have. I have even been told I don't know what I am talking about and worse a liar as people don't believe corced/forced adoptions still happen.



The only negative comment I have ever had was from my mother. My husband and I did consider adopting (many reasons why we chose not to) many years ago so decided to see how my parents felt about it. My mother's words were "Why do you want to adopt? Why not have your own" and "Well I suppose I would have to accept the child if you adopted but I would rather you had your own". My dad looked like he wished the earth would swallow him up. This had come from the same person who was most adamant that my son was adopted as she didn't want the shame of having a daughter who was a single mother. It made me feel physically sick that it was okay, in her eyes, that my son was adopted but it wasn't okay for me adopt yet it was okay for me to have a child because I was now a respectably married woman.

Answer 10

The impression I get from books I read and television is that adoption is either noble and charitable or involves desperate couples competing to get their hands on the first healthy baby they can find. If you read some of those adoption profiles online a number of them do seem creepy and pathetic.



In real life I don't think I've ever noticed that anyone either approved or disapproved of my adoption. I adopted older children transracially so if I'm with my husband people assume the children are adopted but the only time strangers bring it to my attention is when they want to commiserate with me about infertility. That's awkward, because it's my husband who can't have children not me. In any case, it's not like I go around having people congratulate me for adopting, nor do they throw eggs at me. The only incident was when we were travelling in Europe a group of college-aged men and women taunted the kids about having a mother who couldn't make her own babies, but they didn't throw eggs.

Answer 11

Because we started out foster parents, I've been met with everything from the very patronizing, "Oh, what a WONDERFUL thing you're doing!" to suspicion and disdain by those who believe that all foster parents are dishonest and are warehousing children for a whopping few hundred bucks a month. It runs the gammet.



The former has always disgusted me. I have a sister who is disabled. She was in a major car accident when she was 17 (30 years ago), and though she is a paraplegic, she has a husband, 2 children, a degree, etc. People are so often shocked at what she has been able to do despite her apparent limitations.



Years ago, when her kids were smaller (maybe 15 years ago?), she ran into someone she went to high school with and they exchanged the usual pleasantries about what each other were doing now...My sister told this woman that she was married with two young children, and the woman seemed somewhat incredulous at this...She asked my sister questions about my brother-in-law...when they got together, if they were together before the accident, etc...When my sister told her that they met and started dating AFTER the accident, the woman did the infamous patronizing "head tilt" and cooed, "Oooh, what a NICE MAN!".



My sister never forgot this, and neither did I. To dehumanize a person in this way is truly dispicable, and to imply that any human being is less entitled to such basic things as love, safety, security and affection is truly telling...When one assigns value to another human being based on circumstances outside of their control, it says more about them than the person they are attempting to dehumanize.



Now, as to your added details...As I explained to you before, every action has an equal and opposite reaction, and Darlin', when you first posted here, you came out swinging. People need to understand that the internet is really just a virtual social gathering. In any other situation, you would not walk into a room where many people know each other, and meet for a specific purpose, and immediately begin to hurl accusations and aggressively challenge their common ground. In real life, you WILL be met with vitriol, because when you walk into a group and begin to spew vitriol, you are bound to get it back. Human beings still have some primal instincts, and when backed into a corner, they will still swing back.



If you are prepared to come in, guns a-blaze the way you did, you MUST be prepared for some backlash. Again, you don't seem stupid. Just indignant, dismissive and defensive.



Calm down, and you might learn something. I'm sure without all the anger ("I hope you all suffocate in your own hate miasma."?!), you would have something to add to the discussion. But you have rendered yourself very difficult to "listen" to.

Answer 12

I did consider adoption and have adopted. As far as adoption being so bad for the child my son has out lived his prognosis (bio mom beat him into his present condition) and is a happy little boy. He will always be my baby. My daughter was a preemie and left at the hospital, She is a beautiful intelligent and kind person. I know she will make the world she touches a better place. She is happy and wanted. I feel every child should be wanted, respected, and above all else loved. I have great children.they are nice people. The normal parent child conflicts do occur but nothing major. My children do know they are adopted and are comfortable with it.

Answer 13

If your in Egland or Australia (I adopted my children under the current Aust system,) which it sounds like you did too. People can get a bit funny about adoption. For them I find its not that people don't "approve" more that they can be ignorant. I didn't get a baby shower either. (Not that it bothers me to much, but I do feel the difference at times when those topics come up.)

Give your self time to learn how to explain it to your daughter first over other peoples questions. I keep answers for others simple, and if they prob for details I point out that somethings are for my children only.



I tend to avoid talking about adoption a bit because of how people react in my country. As for your social worker, send a complaint to her boss about the attitude and report what she has said to you. She's suppose to be neutral not telling how much she disapproves. Why is she working in that area anyway I'd be asking myself and not fostering. I don't expect pro-adoption all the way but some people skills and professional manner in her job at least.



If you feel you have done everything the right way, don't allow others to pile guilt onto you wethers its on the internet or in real life. For starters you don't know the true character of the person behind the computer or their personal agenda.



All children deserve a good home, just for some they can't live with their biological parents for a variety of reasons.



Just keep being a good mum to your daughter, what she thinks of her adoption is far more important than any book out there. The books are to get an idea of potential issues, not an absolute on how your child will feel.



All the best!



Edit; People forget that in different cultures there are different responses. Adoption is low in Australia these days making it less and less likely you'll run into another adoptive family. We decided to leave it up to our kids if they want to say they're adopted. Once you get passed this you'll see its really not everyones business anyway. Sometimes a friend will tell others my kids are adopted. Happened at a baby shower a few months back, the she tried to talk on my behalf about the topic. I gently interrupted and saying that adoption these days is very different and if you'd like to have coffee sometime I'm sure I can find a few books on shelf that will fill you into the Aust system. This usually takes away the questions without being rude, especially out in public when it comes to personal things.

Answer 14

We were already "approved" by the social community in which we live. And yes we found even more approval by our church and friends community. Many outwardly told us they were really proud of us for adopting---and fostering children ---that they could never do what we did.

We certainly have Never been ashamed of fostering or adopting-NEVER.



We are very open regarding adoption and we support adoption from foster care.We had the shower ---by a group of my friends and she had a party at school for her adoption too and she really enjoyed those things------she was 7 at the time.



In fact on her adoption day in court the Judge commended us for not only being outstanding citizens in our own community but also most outstanding citizens in the state of Illinois. Our adoption worker said she had Never heard a Judge make such a speech re" adoptive parents.



Here in my state, my area and my community adoption is very acceptable and open.



When I came to this site this where Yahoo "sent" me when searching for foster care. I too felt the hate and disgust BUT I did not come here seeking approval ---I already had all of that in my life. I also decided I would not be run off either ---that I had as much right to be here as the next person---since this site belongs to Yahoo.

Answer 15

The Act of Adoption in and of itself, is a total social construct that is met with much societal 'approval', by just about anyone, anywhere. There is no denying that by anyone, anywhere. There are reams of internet sources, research studies, national organizations, politics, governments, the media, people in general....all give the Good Housekeeping Stamp of Approval when it comes to adoption.



It seems to me that you are angry because some here don't give YOU, as an individual, the Good Housekeeping Stamp of Approval. That is what you are seeking....because everyone here whether the general public, natural mothers, adult adoptees, PAPs, adoptive parents, all know that the word "Adoption" is associated with the word 'good' and all what appears to be 'good' is met with "approval".

Answer 16

I'm not gonna debate the full post, but I would like to aim you at some links suggesting that DECENT residential care can actually prove to be more beneficial than the current lax foster care systems many of us encounter: https://answersrip.com/question/index?qid=20100707151408AAmAd3w

Answer 17

My APs friends have told them how wonderful they are, how well they cope with my temper and me being in reunion and even how grateful I should be.



It pisses my APs off almost as much as it pisses me off to be honest, as you don't say that to people with their own biological children. But most other APs lap it up. My parents have sat and cried with me about my adoption and wish they could take away the pain, so that's why they're not too happy when I'm told to be 'grateful.'



You're a prime example of an AP looking for approval on here, why else would you keep posting question after question attacking anyone who doesn't think you're wonderful and going on about being an AP? Maybe you are just a troll like LinnyG says.

Answer 18

My ap's did, both when I was a child, and to this day....and I am 44 years old, lol.



They received comments such as, "It was so brave of you to take these children in..." Not brave- they couldn't conceive, so they adopted. There was no "bravery" involved.



Of course, my a brother and I were subjected to it, too..."You are so LUCKY you were adopted by your parents" and "You could be in a dumpster", and the other stereotypical statements that people who have no clue about adoption throw around.



Transracial adoptees have it even worse. Of course they should be grateful they were saved from a "third world country" by well to do white people.



Im not sure which "media" you are referring to, but the mainstream media touts ap's as heroic saviors. They always have, and probably always will.

Answer 19

Stop to think for just a moment what the words "social approval" actually mean. Social means: living or disposed to live in companionship with others or in a community, rather than in isolation. Approval means: formal permission, sanction, or approbation.



The simple facts that you met with an adoption social worker, were able to adopt in a legal manner, took adoptive parenting classes, are able to find some books about adoption, and live openly as a family built by adoption...are indicative of the social approval that you enjoy. If your community disapproved of adoption, none of these things would be possible.



You state that if your in-laws ever show any signs of negativity, they will be banished from your life. So, if they were to disapprove of your social action of adoption...they will be compelled to depart. Whereas the approval you enjoy (even for off-key singing!) showered upon you by your own parents is simply taken for granted because you are entitled to it as their child.



It seems clear to me, even from a different country with different laws and customs, that you DEMAND social approval of anyone in your vicinity. And that anyone who deems not to socially approve of you as an adoptive parent will be summarily dismissed.

Answer 20

Torrejon frickin' NAILED it!