i'm pregnant; with few options. if i choose adoption, will i be able to keep in contact with my child ?

Question

i have 3 god children, and i love them all with my heart . i love kids and i love having them in my life; however, i am in no position to have a baby ; not to mention the fact that i just plain don't want one. i have an appointment set up for an abortion; i'm just really struggling with the idea . not sure if it's quite right. i have another option, though; adoption . i honestly don't want to do it; not at all. carry a child for 9 months then give him/her away ?
i just don't want to be selfish; i want to do what's right for the life that's forming inside of me. so what i need to know is, if i choose adoption, will i be able to know how my child is doing? even be a part of my child's life; an aunt , or family friend? i can handle giving my child away.. i just need to know that he/she will be okay. is this possible ?

Answer 1

Right for the life inside of you? If you consider it life...you have your answer and what is right (by what YOU implied) .



Will you know how your child is doing? Perhaps...but it is all up to the adoptive parents. You will only have control of that process at the start when the AP's will likely comply with any requests. After that, unfortunately, they can close the adoption for no good reason.



Can you handle giving your child away? Only you will know that over time. It's very painful. It may ease to a certain extent but holidays, birthday etc...and the general unknown of how a child of yours is doing...will all make it harder.



Lastly, just a reminder that abortion is your legal right and you have to decide if that is your choice, on your own. It also has its share of pain for many women.



None of your options (inclduding parenting BTW) are easy ones. They will all require some level of sacrifice and regret...even if you did what was best for you.



NOT your job to provide a child to any home...no matter how lovely the family is. THEY are not entitled to your child.







Good luck to you.

Answer 2

Like the majority of adoptees on this board, I think adoption is a horrible option. If you know that you dont want children, abort before it is too late. If you decide to go ahead with the pregnancy then stand by your choice to bring a child into the world and dont abandon it! Thats how it actually feels you know.....like you were abandoned. Im 42 years old and had a wonderful adoptive family, met my first mother when I was 34 and had a good relationship with her too, right up until her death.....It doesnt change a thing. Even now I struggle with trust, I struggle with anger, I have difficulty forming relationships.....Fact is for the vast majority of adoptees, these issues are a part of daily life, and we start having problems from a very early age. According to my adoptive mother, from the day they brought me home I seemed scared to be noticed. I seldom cried, and if anyone raised their voice around me I would panic and try to appease them.......I am still afraid of being abandoned, my husband has to stay very close to me during social events or in crowds because otherwise I panic.

For those who scream that abortion is murder, that is a matter of opinion. Take it from me, a baby born before 22-25 weeks gestation has no chance of survival, I found that out when my son was born, and died, at 21 weeks.....my son was very much wanted, but surely viability is determined by ability to survive outside of the uterus? The momentary pain felt by an aborted fetus is nothing like the pain experienced by the majority of adoptees struggling to come to terms with having been abandoned by those who should have loved and wanted them the most.

Answer 3

If you choose adoption, you need to work with a reliable agency. I would select one in your home state because once the child goes out of state, contact will be harder. You should look at adoption as making a plan for your child and yourself. You can select the family and meet with them. You should be able to establish a relationship before the baby is born. As open adoption is becoming more acceptable, more adoptive parents are willing to keep the relationship with the birthparents. Sometimes adoptive parents even have the birthparents (and their families) to the baptism, etc. You can have yearly visitation or more - it depends on what you choose. It is right that it is a gentlemen's agreement (in Wisconsin) but if you establish the relationship before the birth, you should be able to continue it after the adoption.



I was adopted. Although it was years ago, I am so thankful that my mother placed me for adoption. There were no open adoptions years ago but I did see information about her and her family. I am so grateful that I was given the opportunity to have a wonderful life and wonderful family. With adoption, you can choose how open you want the family to be - pictures, e-mails, visitation, etc. You are in charge. An adoption agency will help you look at your options so you make an informed decision.



Personally, I think abortion is a terrible solution and it is truly a life that you are throwing away.



Take the time to speak with a couple birthparent counselors at your local adoption agencies. They should be willing to help you through the adoption and provide support after the adoption - if you find the right agency.



Best wishes.

Answer 4

I'm not sure how far pregnant you are and only you can know whether you are capable of having an abortion, parenting or giving your baby up for adoption. There are adoption agencies / pregnancy centers that give very good counseling. Please talk to someone.

Open adoptions are not enforceable by law BUT you can choose the parents that you want to adopt your child. When you meet the potential adoptive parents, you can feel them out to see how perceptive they would be to having an open relationship with you. There are different levels of openness: pictures, videos & letters - some people even do visits. There are horror stories out there and I feel for those moms but there are also wonderful stories of being extended families. I don't feel Abortion should ever be an option. It's the death of a potentially wonderful person who would be missed for your entire life.

Answer 5

Open adoptions are NOT legally enforceable anywhere in the US, or most of Canada. Research on open adoptions is somewhat spotty. There is some research that indicates that finding closure for the birth mother is more difficult in open adoptions than in closed adoptions. Then again, depending on how open the adoption is, having contact with the child may be beneficial to both of you, or it could just be confusing to the child.



Open adoptions are not enforceable, and the adoptive parents can shut you out at any time for any reason. It is not uncommon for AP's to promise an open adoption and reneg as soon as the adoption is finalized. This can be devastating to the mother.



Its a ploy agencies use to get a mother to surrender. Sadly, most open adoptions are closed by the adoptive parents before the child is a year old. And there is NOTHING the first parent can do legally. Not even if it is put into the adoption decree, or even if it is a separate contract. It is NOT legally enforceable.

If you do not want to parent, either give guardianship to a family member who can raise your child, or terminate the pregnancy.



Pro-choice but I am personally against adoption. I have seen the harm it can do to my own family.

https://answersrip.com/question/index?qid=20090623051148AAxfTeP&show=7#profile-info-OuA2cQ8haa

Not all adoptions are like this I know but I could not live with myself if I had a child and sent it out into the world to depend on the kindness of strangers. Not all strangers are kind.



If you need free counseling while you are making your decision (they respect your decision whatever it is): http://www.yourbackline.org I do not envy your position, good luck.





~Pro-Choice Momma; Have had an abortion and I have a 15 month old daughter . I believe in protecting my daughter's choice.



Abortion: There is a Consensus

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hsSQiazUvgo

Answer 6

If you are in the US you can choose an open adoption, with ongoing contact. However you should realize that generally open adoption is not enforceable, and the adoptive family may decide to stop contact. Many families do have ongoing contact, but there is a risk that they won't honor the agreement. That is one reason you want to get to know the family a bit so you can make your own judgment. Also you want to have the full id and contact number - not just photos through the agency (which isn't really open). Carrying a child for 9 mo will be very difficult if you don't intend to keep the child. You are the only one who can decide if this is best. My daughter's mom had one daughter when she chose adoption. In our case the first mom doesn't want ongoing contact, but she does have the ability to get in touch with us at any time.

Answer 7

Hate to say it but read JoeC's post.



He is proof that Adopters can be some of the sickest delusional criminal minded folks out there. Do you really want your child to be raised by a sick man like him. He's not the minority.....but more like the majority.





Don't throw your child to the groveling desperate vultures hunting for babies that Jesus even deemed too unstable to have biological children.

Answer 8

You have to find an agency that practices open adoptions. It also depends on the state you are in. Some adoption agencies specialize in open adoptions which allow you to have some contact with the child. Obviously, they have to also find adoptive parents who are open to it, but there are some.

Answer 9

Trish, do not trust that if you place your child for adoption that they will keep in touch with you. Adoptive parents will sometimes say anything to get your child. As an example, the man below named Joe who is trying to solicit your baby sent me this email last night. You can see here what he really thinks of mothers who give up babies for adoption. They will say ANYTHING and then run away with your child and hide.



Trust your heart - you know you do not want to give your baby away. Good luck.



From: joec1210



Subject: Adoption



Message: Were you adopted. I bet your white trash hoe mother greatly regretted not having that abortion when you came crawling back. Just can't get rid of you. Your "son" must be so ****** up. Carol **** - GO **** YOURSELF - REPORT THAT

Answer 10

Open adoptions aren't legally enforceable but unfortunately these are used to 'persuade' expectant mothers to surrender rather than abort.



I had my son at 19, was working and most importantly I wanted to raise my son which is why I didn't abort. I was bullied and lied into surrendering for no better reason than my parents didn't want the 'shame' of their daughter to be a single mother. I would rather have aborted and suffered for my choice than to live this living hell called adoption. My son also suffers because he has adoption issues. The right thing to do in my situation would have been to have supported my choice.



Nobody can tell you what the right choice is for you and I can only tell you how I feel. I don't know how I would feel if I had aborted but I do know that surrendering is the hardest thing I've ever done.

Answer 11

If you are less than 3 mos pregnant, I highly recommend abortion, if you have absolutely determined you do not wish to be pregnant.

If you decide against abortion...then take good care of yourself while pregnant and do not choose adoption. You already have 3 children...what will you tell your other children...that their brother/sister was a Give-Away? You know adoption not only will have lifelong affects for you and your baby, this will also affect your other children as well. I feel strongly this could set up trust issues for your other children..what will they think/worry about..."Am I next"?!



Open Adoption is not legally enforcible and the adoptive parent can close the open adoption at any time, many times as soon as the ink is dry on the adoption finalization papers. They can promise, but promises are broken, everyday.



Keep your baby. If you don't want more children, don't want to become pg again, have a tubal ligation. Then you will no longer have to worry about birth control, unplanned pregnancies, abortion or adoption.

I sincerely hope you make the right decision for yourself, your unborn baby and your other children. Whatever that decision may be.

Answer 12

"...not to mention the fact that i just plain don't want one..... i want to do what's right for the life that's forming inside of me... will i be able to know how my child is doing?"



The majority of mother's who have fallen for the open adoption pitch never see their babies again because open adoptions are not legally enforceable. This is something that has only been repeated here several hundred times a week due to pro-life/pro-adoption trolls seeking attention.

Answer 13

"if i choose adoption, will i be able to keep in contact with my child ?"



ONLY if the adoptive parents keep their end of the bargain when they promise you an open adoption. Most don't. It is a farce, a lie and a con to manipulate your child out of your arms and into theirs. Do your homework. There are stories abound all over the internet about how mothers have been decieved by desperate pap's who will do and say anything to get a baby. They want your baby, not you.



http://www.exiledmothers.com/open_adoption/

http://terrilynnspencer.tripod.com/

http://lifemothers.com/thewall.html

http://www.originscanada.org/the-myth-of-open-adoption/

Answer 14

EITHER PARENT OR ABORT!



DO NOT ABANDON YOUR CHILD TO ADOPTION!



Seriously.



If you know you don't want it now, then get an abortion before it's too late, because if you abandon it, you're screwing it up for life - and probably yourself too.



If you don't want to abort, then please do not allow anyone pressure you into abandoning it.



Also, don't listen to anyone suggesting that open adoption is the way to go - it is almost never legally enforceable! Many parents have lost access to their children due to "open" adoption promises. Please read http://lifemothers.com/thewall.html and http://www.bringperihome.com/history.html and http://www.exiledmothers.com/adoption_facts/wish.html before listening to the hype.



I was abandoned to adoption at 7mths old. I didn't have a bad adoption - my afamily are the best I could ever have chosen... but if I'd been able to choose, and I'd known then what I know now, I'd've chosen to be aborted before birth instead, 'cause at least that way the lifetime of agony I've gone through would've been over in minutes, instead of the decades that I've been suffering for now.



I've been in reunion with my bfam for a few months now, and even that's proving to be completely agonising.



Taken from Nancy Verrier's book, Coming Home to Self: http://www.nancyverrier.com/self_book.php



For the adoptee every day is a challenge of trying to figure out how to be, although he probably doesn't understand the difficulty this presents for him. It has been true his whole life and, therefore, feels normal. However, it takes a great deal of energy and concentration. And it never feels quite right. He never quite fits. Therefore he feels as if /he/ is never quite right.

(pg 50)





Abandonment and neglect are reported to be the two most devastating experiences that children endure - even more devastating then sexual or physical abuse. That's why some neglected children do naughty things to get attention. Even though the attention is hurtful - being yelled at, hit, or otherwise harmed - it is better than neglect. /Anything/ is better than abandonment. Abandonment is a child's greatest fear. For adoptees, it is also reality, embedded in their implicit and unintegrated memory.

(pg 102)





It is sometimes difficult to spot grief in children. After all, it isn't as if the child sits in a puddle of tears his entire childhood. As one adoptee said, "Of course I played, laughed, sang. Do people think that if you're not sitting in a corner with your head on your knees, you are not sad? I had happy times, but the sadness was always there, even when I was having fun."

(pg 117)



Please, if you're not gonna abort your baby, then make damn sure you parent it.



Read http://shakespearessister.blogspot.com/2009/03/breaking-silence-on-living-pro-lifers.html - it's by someone who made both choices at different times in her life.



If you go to a Planned Parenthood clinic that has a low-income program it can be as cheap as 100$. If you tell them you have no job, no money and no support, they will likely have you pay the minimum for the procedure and get donations to cover the rest.



1-800-230-PLAN (1-800-230-7526) to find the Planned Parenthood clinic nearest you. If you are underage it will mostly likely be free and it is always confidential.



Abortion funding @ http://www.nnaf.org/help.html



Some state medicaid programmes cover abortion. Go to http://www.ourbodiesourselves.org/book/companion.asp?id=20&compID=64 to find out if your state covers it. If they do, you can go to a welfare office, get emergency coverage, and then the state will help pay for it.



It is entirely possible to have an abortion and not feel guilt because you knew it was the right thing to do: http://www.imnotsorry.net/



Abortion: There is a Consensus

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hsSQiazUvgo



You may find some of the books and links listed over at http://7rin-on-adoption.dreamwidth.org/747.html useful.



Good luck.

Answer 15

You should always choose the option that is best for you. It can keep, adoption or abortion. You don't want to ask this on Yahoo Answers as this a personal decision.

Answer 16

Maybe you could find adoptive parents who have already had an open adoption and are keeping in contact with the birth parents so you know that they are serious about open adoption and know what to expect.

Wishing you the best!

Answer 17

Open adoptions are not legally enforceable. One large adoption agency estimates that 80% of their open adoptions close.



Abortion is a safe and legal option.



Adoption is signing up for a lifetime of grief over losing a child. Here is a link written by mothers who lost their children to adoption who tell the story from their point of view.



http://www.keepyourbaby.com/index.html



Good luck.

Answer 18

Definitely do not have an abortion. My wife and I have been struggling to have children for almost 5 years now. We have gone through so many infertility treatments and surgeries. We are now seeking a newborn to adopt after everything failed and things did not work out. We are desperately seeking a child to adopt and even that is hard to do. We live in New Jersey and have everything that we could ever want in life except a child of our own to share our love with. Definitely give your baby up for adoption rather than abort. You can make someone's dream come true and know never have the guilt of abortion on your mind knowing that you have a happy baby that is loved beyond measure and is truly viewed as the most special gift imaginable. Through my readings and research on adoption, I have read that open adoption is a possibility, but often birth mothers change their mind as they want to "move on" with their life have love and time invested in a child when the time is right for them. I understand this as I have an adopted brother and his mother was struggling with the same situation that you are now. Open adoptions are not enforceable, but of course you can find an adoptive family to agree with an open adoption or what I have read is most common, is to send period photos and letters about the child to the birth mother/parents. Well anyway, good luck no matter what you decide. If you do happen to consider adoption further, please contact me. My wife and I would love to be considered. Again, good luck to you. - Joe

Answer 19

actully you can be able to have contact with the family that adopt's your child. Its called an open adoption.

Answer 20

Open adoptions are not enforceable so even if the family SAYS they will keep in contact with you, they are under no legal obligation to do so.

Answer 21

nobody ever "wants" to place their child for adoption, but sometimes you just have to stop and think about what is best for the child. I think you're doing that now. Adoption can be a scary thing for potential birth mothers. Yes, sometimes people don't honor their open adoptions, but a lot of the time they do. I have 2 friends who placed their daughters for adoption who both have open adoptions and really good relationships with the adoptive parents. I also know 4 couples who are adoptive parents and they enjoy their open adoptions as well. I think you just need to be careful in chosing the adoptive parents of your child so that you can maintain an open adoption. The level of openess you're asking for isn't much at all, so I don't think it would be too difficult to find someone who would be happy to have an open adoption with you. Best wishes!

Answer 22

I would definitely recommend adoption over abortion. I truly believe giving a child a chance at life is the most fair thing to do. While there are a few unscrupulous adoptive parents out there, I have found that the majority of them that agree to open adoption keep their word. No, it isn't legally enforceable, but most do. Mine was an open adoption, although I didn't meet my Bmom till I was 17 (she wasn't really in the position). She was kept up to date with how things in my life were going, photos, etc. This topic actually came up in a group I'm in strictly for adult adoptees. Of those of us who were adopted under open adoption circumstances, I don't recall anyone having negative experiences with it. Remember, adoptive parents are checked out thoroughly, and you yourself can be part of the process of choosing your adoptive parents. You will know in your gut if you can trust someone or not. Go with that feeling. There are a few people on this board that had negative adoption experiences, and always want to tell you how horrible and corrupt it is, but things really have changed a lot in the last 40 years. I have also heard that Catholic Social Services is a good way to go. (They didn't have the best rep. years ago, but I hear they've come a long way).

Anyway, the choice is yours, obviously. You have a lot to think about in the coming weeks and months. Take it from me, I was born to a mother who wasn't ready or willing to be a parent, and that's ok...she ensured that I was raised by a family that gave me love and stability.

Answer 23

If you can't carry a baby for 9 months and then give it away, think about abortion.

If you don't want to carry a baby, and don't want to give it up for adoption- have an abortion. Do what is right for you.



However, I want to add- I don't know under what circumstances you've become pregnant, but if it's because of irresponsibility on your part....I think you should continue the pregnancy and consider adoption as a LAST possible resort.

Answer 24

Most women dont think they can be a mother...but when you get a beautiful baby in your arms...the rest just comes natural.

Answer 25

Anyone that is pregnant has 3 choices- parent, adopt or abort. There aren't anymore options than that. As a woman you do have the legal right to abort your child, however, being legal does not make it right. That child you are carrying is a LIFE- he/she will not become a life sometime down the road. Your child's heart has been beating since 3 weeks after conception, which is most likely before you even found out that you were pregnant. I am adopted and have 2 adopted children. I can completely understand how hard that would be. When I met the birth mom's of my 2 children, I saw the love in their eyes and in their hearts for the children that they had carried for 9 months. It was not easy for them, and it will not be easy for you either. You seem to want the best for your child, and if you cannot raise a child, or just does not want too, adoption is the best choice. About having contact- it is up to you and the adoptive couple that you have the right to select for your child. I will pray that you make the best decision for you and your child.

EDIT- interesting how adoption gets thumbs down over abortion!

Answer 26

You WILL regret aborting your baby, cancel the appointment! Abortion should not be an option! Research adoption centers and yes there is open adoption where you keep in contact with your child. Have you looked at all the women that regret their abortions? Some people stay their whole life in regret and since you are questioning whether or not to have one ...i know you will regret it! Killing a child, is horrible and should not be done! Go get an ultrasound and look at your live baby in your womb 90% of women decide to keep their baby after viewing one. Children are miracles! Post abortion stress syndrome < horrible.

Answer 27

if you organize it with an agency then yes,

My cousin chose adoption and she gets yearly pictures and has had the choice to be part of birthdays and other family events. To do this the adoptive family has to agree with it and such, but thats usually why they go to an adoption agency. If your in contact with planned parenthood then they can probably set up appointments with the agencys and you can actually do little interveiws with the parents.

Also keep in mind it is REALLY hard to adopt and there are so many backround checks and interveiws so the parents are good. Theres even a specific amount of money that has to be put away for school and a yearly salary, so your baby will be in a great family.

Answer 28

you can request an open adoption, which most adoptions nowadays are open anyways, andd a lot of times you can visit the child, get tons of photos and updates of them, and sometimes even attend school functions. it just depends on how open the adoption is

Answer 29

Yes, if you choose an open adoption. About 10% of adoptions are currently very open. You can request and choose an agency and a couple of your choice that will also agree to a very open adoption. In a very open adoption you may receive photos/updates about your child, may be able to visit on special occasions like birthdays and in some few cases you even become part of the family!



I recommend you go with a non-profit because they have your interests at heart. Someone like

Bethany Christian Services

http://www.bethany.org/A55798/bethanyWWW.nsf/0/E6B48C10F314D85F85256CE100666375



There is some info on open adoptions here:

http://www.openadoptions.com/



I also have a chapter in my book on adoption (free download):

http://www.101girlsguide.com

101 Reasons Not to Have an Abortion

Reason #82 There are so many couples who would love to parent if you don’t



So in summary, can you keep in contact with your child? Yes absolutely, but you have to spell it all out in the beginning and choose an agency and a family who will be happy with such an adoption - and there are families who will be happy with that (I've read their stories in Bethany's newsletter. No, I'm not associated with them, but I get their newsletter. Any agency is fine as long as it's non-profit). Open adoptions are the way of the future and are better for all involved.



All the best. :)





PS. No it's not selfish to put your child into an adoptive family instead of taking his/her life. :)

Answer 30

In my opinion abortion is murder! As you said it is a life that's forming inside of you. But that is only my opinion. Ultimately you have to do what is right for you. Sometimes you can arrange an adoption where you sign over all rights to the child but you may be able to ask to know what/how the child is doing, but you may not be able to see it.

Good Luck!

Answer 31

no ,not until they are 18years old if they want to

Answer 32

First of all, yes. You can have an "open adoption". Second of all, PLEASE don't get an abortion. I know you don't know me, but please please please don't. I know everyone has a right to their own free will...but it truly is murder. Its not fair to the baby, your' conscience, or the thousands of people willing to give him/her a great home because they can't get pregnant. Third of all, if you wait to afford a baby you will never have one - are you absolutely sure you can't give this baby a good life? It doesn't have to be the BEST or full of money, just full of love. Fourth, I will adopt it if you truly don't want it. I love babies! :) I have a six month old son. :) I'll let you be Auntie! :)



PS - Cancel the abortion appointment asap. You will regret it...I can tell by the words you used. Don't kill an innocent baby.

Answer 33

Ugh abortion in my opinion worse choice ever. But adoption there's still a very good chance you can see on your baby's progess as he/she grows up. As long as you know who the adoptive parents would be and keep them in contact, via email, phone, regular mail etc. Things should be good =D

Answer 34

Don't get an abortion. Get an open adoption.

Answer 35

Please please please don't have an abortion.

Open adoptions can work, there are so many lovely amazing couples who'd love to become parents and will give your child so much love and everything it needs.