My biological daughter wants relationship but I don't?

Question

I had a baby when I was 16 whom I gave up for adoption, the father more than happily gave up his rights. I felt extremely depressed for at least a year after that but in the end, I came to cope with it and felt it was for the best. Although I had to deal with bipolar disorder and depression in recent years, I am a successful speech pathologist and I have 2 children with my ex-husband. My daughter that I gave up for adoption contacted me via phone. I was shocked to hear from her but she had just turned 18 recently. I wasn't very comfortable because she kept calling me "mom" and telling me that she loved me so much even though I don't know her.

A few days later, my daughter came over to my home, uninvited. I hadn't given her my address but she claims she got it from a supportive family member of mine on facebook. She spent time around my two children and even brought them some fairly expensive gifts (a X-Box 360 and a PS4)! I told her I didn't want her to do that, but she insisted. She has no let up in coming over to visit and calling me at any whim. I told her that I wanted more space and that she was being too overbearing. She told me she wanted me and my kids to love her. I firmly asked her to please stop. But she has continued to call and trying to arrange meet-ups, which I keep refusing. She wants too much, too fast. I'm not sure what to do but I just don't feel like I *love* her. I know I birthed her, but that was the extent of my relation to her. What should I do?

Answer 1

"She wants too much, too fast."



I think that's the heart of it right there. While you made peace with your decision, she has had 18 years to wonder about who she is, who you are, where you are, and what the circumstances were that led you to place her for adoption. While it might feel like a flood right now, I'm guessing that within a month or two, things will settle into a calmer state.



Since you do have her siblings, it would be nice if you didn't totally cut off contact again with her. It is perfectly fine to set limits and boundaries, though. Maybe arrange a one time per week call or visit. Let her know that you appreciate her generosity, but you try to limit the amount of gifts your kids get in a year, etc.



Wishing you well.

Answer 2

Try to see things from her point of view. She has been raised by strangers, probably with very little knowledge of her heritage, background and medical history. You have children, and I'm assuming that you were raised by your biological parents, and that you have wider biological family around you. She has NONE of that. Just take a moment to imagine how you would feel if you had been surrounded by strangers all your life, if you had never met anyone who looks like you or shares your personality traits or mannerisms. It's perfectly natural for her to feel attached to you - you're her mother. The odd thing here is that you don't feel any attachment to her.



In my opinion, if you choose to bring a child into the world, then you have a responsibility to that child. She didn't ask to be born, you chose that. And now, her right to know her biological family comes before your right to 'space'. Sorry.

Answer 3

If I was in your daughters shoes knowing that you don't want anything to do with me I'd feel extremely hurt and depressed because here is the only person in the world who I share DNA and a family with and I can't enjoy it because my mother doesn't want me in her or my other siblings life. I mean that's how I would feel if it were me.



Just those very thoughts hurt me and you need to think long and hard about making any more harsh decisions. I know you had 18 years to come to a conclusion but she's here now and you have the opportunity to possibly change her life. You've brought 2 other kids into your life so what's wrong with trying to have a relationship with your first born? She has a right to know who her siblings are.



Another thing that bothers me is how you say you dislike the fact that she calls you mom..

well...technically YOU ARE HER MOM.

You see any woman can become a "mom"

but it takes a real woman to be a mother.

Answer 4

Can you imagine being her? Put yourself in her shoes!



YOU are her mother, YOU chose to give birth to her, YOU decided to give her up for adoption. She is YOUR irresponsibility. To the people saying you don't have any responsibility... What utter b*****hit. You do. Fair enough, her adoptive parent are equally responsible for her, but it is not fair to be annoyed with your daughter, just because it doesn't suit you to have any contact with her. When you put her up for adoption you should have seen this coming. I feel so bad for your daughter, cannot imagine how terrible it must be that you find your mum after 18 years who you think will be happy to meet you, and then she says she doesn't *love* you.



If you must, then ask her if you could just "take things down a notch" and meet up maybe once a fortnight, so that you can both get to know each other slowly and everyone (including her and her adoptive parents, and your other "new" children) can get used to the new situation. But do not ever tell you you don't love her. Maybe you should look into some counsellors who specialise in adoption etc. to get you both to talk about all of this.

Answer 5

You need to flat out tell her you do not want a relationship with her. Yes it may hurt her feelings, but nobody can force a relationship that isnt wanted, and she needs to understand that. If you have to ask her for the "real" reason for contacting. Is it that she just wants the relationship or is she wanting info pertaining to medical or the adoption that she hasnt asked about yet?



AS for your other kids, you need to inform her to stay awy from them (if the kids are under 18 still).



I would also suggest giving away the expensive gifts. She is trying to buy your two other kids love or friendship, and that is wrong on so many levels, especially since you nor them know her.



You should also consider finding out which friend gave her your address just to be sure it really was a friend and not the agency or something that gave her the info (against privacy policy). If it was a friend, you need to tell that friend to butt out of your business. She/he had no right to give a "stranger" your address or phone number. Consider changing your phone number if you have to.



You need to lay down the boundaries (as someone else suggested). If you want no contact, then you tell her no contact with you or your two kids.



If all fails and she still wont quit (like several weeks to months), get a restraining order. If she still does this with phone calls and visiting with the order, she can be arrested.

Answer 6

Sounds like you need to set some ground rules wit her. Sit her down and tell her exactly what you said here. She may not like it but she has to respect it. I adopted twins. When they got into their mid teens, one of them had some questions about her bio family. It was a closed adoption but I kept in touch with the agency. I told the girls to write a letter with any questions. Af first the bio Mom wanted nothing to do it meeting them. But she did answer their questions and give them a picture. She still is not interested in meeting them but says she would reconsider if the other twin wants to. For now she said they they have their lives and she has hers. She was very young and has a family of her own. They do know she gave up twins. The girls were happy to have their questions answered and one still would really like to meet her. But they are respecting her privacy. She said it was very hard choice to make and she was very depressed for a long time. But she said she knows it was better for her and for them that she did it. Prehaps talk to the adopting mother

Answer 7

This is why people abort or adopt their children out in a foreign country.

You owe her nothing. If your kids want contact with her they can do so when they turn 18.

But don't call the police. Call her parents and tell them to tell her to stop contacting you.

She was probably encourgaed by the guilty birth mothers brigade movement that is in full force now.

You feel no guilt ..........and you shouldn't.

Cut that relative who gave your info to her out of your life. You will never hear the end of it.

Answer 8

I agree with two of the posters. If you have chosen to not have anything to do with someone then clearly she cannot get the message and you are by no means obligated to entertain her harassment. You made the decision for her a long time ago and legally she is not your child and emotionally she is not yours. She is 18 so probably a legal adult so tell her to stay away from you and if you must then send her a letter about staying away. This gives you grounds to call the police if you can no longer tolerate it.



And as wyliesmom said the family member needs to be told about giving out your private information as it is not theirs to give. If they feel different then you do then you can kindly remind them that it is your life and your privacy not theirs.



I can already feel the thumbs downs coming as I type this but you are not being harsh. You are trying to be honest and fair with your emotions. No one can force you to be around anyone or love anyone.



Stop answering the phone when she calls or answering the door if she does come knocking if you don't want to have her escorted off by the cops. It may be enough to get her to see the picture. If you decide you want a relationship you can contact her.



Best of luck.

Answer 9

Sounds like you are embarrassed to have her around as a reminder of your shame. If you do not want contact or relationship with her, you do not have to have one. But she has a right to know her family background and medical history at minimum. At least be decent enough to give her those. And if you keep her siblings from having a relationship with her, you may ended up losing them too. Maybe you should have aborted her instead of adoption. That way she would not have to suffer being rejected and unloved her whole life. You also need to let her know who her bio dad is, so at the very least she can get a medical history from him. As medical history is tied in with biology and she may need that. I just hope you or your other children never need a kidney.

Answer 10

You need to lay out some boundaries, return the expensive gifts & set up a timeline for contact...or no contact. Whatever you feel is appropriate. The sooner you deal with the logistics the easier this will be.



Bi-polar is passed on so she could be having some manic issues about reunion....keep that in mind & be gentle but firm with her. Maybe even a couple family counseling sessions.

Answer 11

If your question is genuine (I agree with H****), you are a mother, like it or not and you have responsibilities towards ALL your children. You are enjoying family life and you cannot deny your blood the family life that you are enjoying yourself.



Either abort or assume. Motherhood is responsibility. End of story.

Answer 12

Do you know who the adoptive parents are? If so, I would contact them and tell them how you feel. This young lady has a deep seated need that you obviously cannot fulfill. If you know who the "supportive family member" is, I would advise them that they made a terrible mistake by giving out your address.

Answer 13

Nobody has to have a relationship with anybody



Funny how this account was opened just for this question; fishy & typical of the anti-search brigade on here who try to insist that our only parents are the ones who raised us



I'm calling troll on this one

Answer 14

It is strange that you have no bond with her. She may have heard the case in the news of the Burger King baby. You know the one where the mom abandoned her daughter in a Burger King bathroom. Anyway, the girl was found safe, but was left with no note or anything and was adopted soon after. The girl grew up and she put out a facebook message seeking her mother. Her mother made contact and they had some amazing similarities. They drove the same Make, model and color car, worked in the same field, had the same NAME (adopted mother named the girl, so how weird is THAT) and one of the weirdest things, is that the mother babysat the husband of her daughter when he was a child. Biology is something amazing. Your daughter wants you, the person who gave her life. She wants to know where she came from. You must have known this day would come, you had 18 years to prepare yourself for this. She is not moving too fast, how unfair of you to say that. How would you feel if one of your other children just "decided" to give YOU up. No fault of your own, just decided you were not his mother anymore and he didn't love you. It would hurt. You would want answers. You would want your family back. Well, your daughter wants you back. Her love for you is natural. Stop refusing her and just give her a chance. Give her some photos of her grandparents, tell her who she looks like. She is your baby, just as your other children are, and she wants to go home.

Answer 15

Talk to her parents and ask them to stop her from coming near you. Tell her that if she comes on your property again, you will call the police and do so.