What are some good books about telling a child he/she was adopted?

Question

I want serious answers only. I am not looking for criticism of the adoption process, my decision to adopt, or any rants. Any ranting will be reported.

I want to prepare for the day that I need to tell my child about the adoption. Is it better to slowly do it over time, or to just sit down and discuss it. We have not kept this information secret. We have several children's books about adoption that are read regularly. However, we haven't been asked any questions...yet. I want to know how to word the answers. i have the information, but that doesn't mean that it will be presented in a way that won't cause any needless pain.

I understand that my child will have some questions that we cannot answer (mostly about the birth mother and her decision). I want to someday facilitate them meeting so that those questions can be asked and answered. For now, I want to know what words we should use.

Answer 1

I am not sure about what books may be available, but to answer some of your other questions from the point of view of both an adopted person and an adoptive mom, it is best to always make your child's adoption a fact of life.



Make sure to tell them the story of their adoption like biological parents tell their kids their birth story.



Your child will ask questions when they are ready if they feel comfortable with talking about the subject with you. I was never comfortable talking to my adoptive mom because she got angry and gave me the "be grateful" speech if I tried. So make sure your child feels you are comfortable and approachable with the subject of their adoption.



If your child ask a question you don't have the answer to, be honest. Say "I don't know the answer to that, maybe someday we can find out"



When your child is ready to search, you can be their biggest supporter. It can be an emotional roller coaster to search and find your first family and the best gift you can give your child is to be there for them thru it all.



As for what words to use, I think the one to avoid is the term "birth mother" First mother is prefered by most. Avoid telling the child they were chosen or that they should be grateful.



Also do not tell them their first mom "loved you so much she gave you to us so we could give you a better life" An adopte child will wonder why their first mom didn't love them enough to MAKE a better life for them. Again, if asked why they were placed for adoption, it is best if you do not know, to say you do not know.



Someday your child will feel the pain from knowing they have a family that they don't know. That has nothing to do with how good of a parent you are so don't take it personally. Don't say you understand unless you are yourself adopted. Simply tell them you are sorry they are hurting. Listen if they want to talk about it, or give them space if they need that.

Answer 2

Definitely "Tell me a Real Adoption Story" written by an adoptee for little adoptees! (Betty Jean Lifton)



http://www.bjlifton.com/realadopt.htm



"I wrote Tell Me A Real Adoption Story to give adoptive parents a way to discuss with their children the circumstances of their birth after noticing that most picture books begin with the child's adoption. I was playing with myth and reality. When the child asks for her adoption story, she keeps rejecting the mythical versions the mother tells her.



Finally, the mother tells her child the real story about how she and her husband needed a baby, and were lucky enough to meet a woman who couldn't raise her baby. They visited her in the hospital and everyone cried as the "other mommy" placed the baby in its new parents' arms. "Did she say anything?" the child asks. "She said she loved you very much. And would never forget you."



The child wants to know where her "other mommy" is now, and why she couldn't take care of her. The mother suggests the child can ask her someday, and in the meantime, she will try to arrange to get the birth mother's photograph.



The book closes with the child drawing a picture of herself in her room with her dog and her cat to be sent to the birth mother. The last picture shows the mother opening the window wide. "Did you like the story?" the mother asks. "Yes." "Why?" "Because it's my story. It's really about me."



This book is actually a story within a story. The "frame" story, is the mythical one that can be used by all parents. The details of the "real" story can be changed to fit the child's life - whether it means being picked up at the airport by the adoptive parents, or their going to get the child in another country. "

Answer 3

You need to tell the child he or she is adopted from day one. It is best to do it that way. I only know of books for adult adoptees/fp's/ap's, but there may be references there.



As far as the "needless pain" comment goes, the act of telling the child they are adopted is not what causes the pain. Its the act of being separated from their first mother that causes the pain.



As Kidmindi said, you start from day one, because that is the child's story.



Please leave out any phrases such as "you were chosen", or "God wanted us to have you", or "You are our gift." Adoptees see through this stuff at a very early age. Adoption is a very bittersweet thing- we love our adoptive family, but that love really doesn't compensate for losing our entire families, culture, heritage, and identity. To use phrases like that belittles our pain.



Books:

The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier

Lost and Found: the Adoption Experience AND

Journey of the Adopted Self: A Quest for Wholeness both by Betty Jean Lifton

The Adopted break Silence by Jean Paton

The Girls Who Went Away by Ann Fessler

Adoption: Uncharted Waters,by David Kirschner

Being Adopted: The Lifelong Search for Self by David Brodzinsky



By the way, most adoptees facilitate their own reunions. Its really no one's business but theirs and their first parents.