am i doing the right thing? (advice needed)?

Question

hi, im the single mom of an almost 7 year old daughter. i am currently 11 weeks pregnant, and am in talks to give my child up for adoption- because i know that i cannot provide for it financially the way that i wish i could. the father (my boyfriend) is...not really father material, does not have a steady job, still lives with his mother, does not have a car, etc. i have a difficult enough time with my daughter- i do not get child support from her father. the potential adoptive parents are good friends of my obgyn, have been TTC for 10 years, tried EVERYTHING, and could not get pregnant, are wonderful people, have a loving steady marriage and a large income that could provide what i cannot. i feel so guilty and so afraid. i don't want my children on welfare (no offense to those who recieve it) i do get ssi and am on medicaid and i hate it and it's limitations. i want it to have so much more than i can give- college, trips to disneyworld, etc. advice, please. sorry for the length.

Answer 1

Kim - I say definitely give the baby up for adoption! I'm 46 years old and was given up for adoption at birth. I love my adopted family. I thank God for my birth mother who was a single mother at the time with THREE small children and gave me up because she couldn't handle a FOURTH. What a blessing that was - for all concerned! I found my birth family when I was 30 and I met my three older siblings (we all share the same father - there was a divorce - long story). Anyway, adoption is a true blessing in this universe. To make a long story even longer - - I ended up pregnant at 24 before I married and had a family of my own. I gave up that baby (my first pregnancy) to a wonderful family. My reasons were selfish - I knew I couldn't raise that baby alone, while I was still in college and pursuing my career. I also knew that there was a family who couldn't have children waiting for a healthy baby to adopt. I fulfilled their wish and do not regret it - EVER! Make you own decision, Kim, but know that you must follow your heart.

Answer 2

Adoption does not guarantee a "better life", just a different one.



What happens when that couple looses their jobs and get divorced. HIGHLY PROBABLE in these times. The economy is crap, and the divorce rate is sky high. What then? Your child ends up in the same situation, but minus her family. That sucks huh? It is entirely possible, and it is far from being a stretch.



Honestly, who cares about trips to disney land? Since when did that become the gold standard for parenting? Yes, that couple MAY be able to provide these things, but what makes you think that your child would rather have name brand clothes and a vacation every year then YOU? Would you give up your family for material things?



Not only are you loosing a child, a child loosing a mother, and a sister loosing a sister, but your child is loosing aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, family traditions, Aunt Linda's Famous Pumpkin Pie, and Grandpa's jokes. That is this child's heritage, and to loose it could be EXTREMELY damaging! And for what? Dollar Signs? Those may not even be there this time next year, who knows. Perhaps you will have a great job by then and your boyfriend may have come around.



Have you thought about the long term? Grandchildren, yep, those will be gone. What if your daughter can't have children? Your Grandchildren will miss out on you too. Have you thought about how adoption affectssubsequent generations? FOREVER...You will miss out on that. Birthdays, Christmas, Recitals, Prom, Weddings, boo-boos and bandaids. Someone else will be comforting YOUR Child. Someone else will be celebrating YOUR Child.

Answer 3

Would you want to know if your best friend slept with your fiance? Of course you would. The two of you need to discuss how to tell her and then do the only honorable thing you can under the circumstances. He's not ready for marriage and you are not really a good friend to her. Unfortunately she needs to walk away from you both. Whether she does or not gets to be her decision but don't add insult to injury by letting her be a fool.

Answer 4

Think it over. Then think it over some more before you decide. Don't feel sorry for this couple who can't have children. There are thousands of children sitting in foster care waiting for families and I'm sure they know this. If they want to be parents YOUR baby isn't their only option. Adoption isn't your only way off welfare.



Do you have stable parents you can move in with? Having the support of loving grandparents for your children is very beneficial and will help you while you get back on your feet.



What about becoming a live in nanny for someone. Lots of families wouldn't mind having an experienced mommy care for their child. Also the child would have playmates without having to leave home. You would get free room and board and a little pay to put back for savings.



Find yourself a rental to share with other mommies. You could share expences and save for the future.



My mother used to say the more you make the more you spend. So true. Let's say you bring home $1000 a month. You can stretch that money to make it feel like more. A moble home in my state can be bought for $7000 with the land included and a 1 bedroom apt. rents for about $300 a month. Move to the apt. and save $250 a month to put back for buy the moble home with cash. In just over 2 years you'll have enough for the moble home. After you are in the home and have no house payment (woohoo!) start saving a little at a time for your childrens education. Even if it is only $10 each month. Put back $100 every month and you have enough for a little vaction in only a year. Save for two years and you have enough for a bigger vacation.



See, you can give your children a college education, vacations AND mommy. I have tons of ways to save and cut corners. Email me, I'll let you in on some lil secrets.



Hang in there. If keeping your baby is what you want it can be done with a little determination.

Answer 5

This is a decision that only you can make. Only you truly know how your life is and how having another mouth to feed will affect it and affect the baby. I would hope that you discussed this with you dr under your own free will if that is the case then he was just offering you an alternative to your situation as it is totally up to you. You still have time to to weigh all your options. As nothing can be done till the baby is born. If you are sure you want to do this and like the couple then you should. But you also have the option of checking out other couples. Also don't let others tell you that either of your children will hate you, those are the ones that are unhappy with their situation, not all feel that way. I certainly don't hate my mother for it. I love her and respect her. Also don't let anyone talk you out of doing what you know is best or into doing something that you know you can't handle.. As no one knows what your life is truly like except for you.

As for your 7 yr old you just have to explain that you couldn't keep the baby in terms that she will understand

You might also want to talk to others such as social services, your pastor or maybe a counselor to help you weigh all your options.

Good luck to you.

Answer 6

Is money the only issue here? Finances do change, also I grew up dirt poor ie no heat in midwest winters, water was run from the neighbors garden hose, food stamps, all thrift store clothes, etc and we all turned out fine and happy and well educated (5 of my 7 siblings are Ivy League grads and we ALL went to college). I have to admit it was difficult in certain ways but overall that isn't what most kids remember as long as you raise them right. I never missed not going to Disneyworld and we got scholarships and grants for college? Family really isn't about money or material things, its totally possible to have a happy well adjusted childhood when you're poor. This couple could get divorced, lose their high paying jobs, turn out to be bad parents, etc- nobody is perfect.



I think you should at least look into all of your options in terms of keeping the baby. Look up the child support laws in your area, see about getting your daughters dads wages garnished. See about the different programs for financial help like welfare or wic, etc and also maybe some stuff to improve your situation. There are all kinds of groups that help women with job training, education, etc to improve their lives long term.



On a side note I would not even consider placing the baby with friends of your obgyn if you do decide to do this. That is a huge ethical conflict IMO and it was really kind of crazy for your doctor to even bring it up- they are NOT supposed to do that. What happens if you are maybe changing your mind when the baby is born? Your doc could make things difficult for you or put pressure on you, that is not what should happen when a mother is trying to decide about placing or keeping her baby. But its very easy for people (even nice people like your doc) to get a little overwhelmed and act inappropriately in these situations. Go through an adoption agency with a good reputation and find a different family or find yourself a different obgyn but this situation is not healthy.

Answer 7

Personally, it's sounds like you have only thought about material things that your child could want such as trips to Disney world. Things like that are nice but it's not a necessity and I understand that as parents we want to give out children that absolute best. But have you thought about what your baby would think? I don't know about you but I would much rather take my real mother and sister over a trip to an amusement park. and as far as financially sweetie, if you have to get on welfare to take care of your children it's ok. Just dont make it a life-time thing. You're worried about things that wont matter when you see your baby. I'm actually starting to cry because I was in the EXACT same situation. I read a quote about adoption that changed how I perceived things... "Dont make a permanent decision for a temporary problem." You'll be able to take care of your baby. You're a mother- you can do anything.

Answer 8

First off, what your OBGYN is doing is completely unethical. And you are not responsible for filling the empty arms of a couple, no matter how hard they tried, or how much you may feel for them. Financial situations can well be very temporary, and adoption is a permanent solution. In a couple years, you never know, you could be the one furnishing the disneyland trips. Don't assume that your situation right now is a forever kind of deal. I also don't think that your baby would be all that happy to learn that he or she was given up because you refused to go on assistance for whatever reason. There is no shame in taking it temporarily to get where you need to be, and if it meant keeping your baby, I don't understand why it would even be an issue.



I was the sibling given away, my older sister was kept. I've struggled with feelings of worthlessness, anger, jealousy, and just an overwhelming sadness. My sister was told I was given away because our mom loved me so much, and wanted me to have a better life than she could give me. She grew up thinking why didn't she deserve a better life, why didn't our mom love her too. She was resentful and jealous that I had been given up out of "love" to a "better life" and she wasn't. She felt just as worthless as I did. Adoption will not only affect you and the adoptee, but your 7yo daughter too.

Answer 9

I can tell you from your child's perspective that none of the material things the other couple can provide for her are ever going to make up for the fact that she is without you and your love.



Try to think about it from her perspective. Would you have rather grown up well off and lonely or poor and happy? Material things aren't everything. In fact they mean very little. I think it would mean more to her to see you work hard and learn that in life you have to work hard rather than grow up believing things will be handed to her only to have to face the shock of the real world one day.



Don't let your pride get in the way of parenting your children. There's nothing wrong with recieving welfare or wic. Those programs were put in place to help people. Don't give up your daughter because your pride won't let you ask for help.

Answer 10

You have to decide what is best for both your children - the 7 year old and the new baby. It may be adoption, or not. As to who would adopt, you can choose the family. It doesn't have to be the OB's friends. If you like them that is fine. You may want to consider if you want a relationship after the adoption (if that is what you choose). If so you definitely need to agree with the adoptive parents about this. Open adoption agreements are generally not enforceable, so try to see if you think their hearts are really in it. Also you can decide after the baby is born, and up until you sign the relinquishment (after the birth) you can change your mind. Please don't let others pressure you about such a huge decision.



I think if you do decide on adoption an honest and simple version of the truth is best for your 7 year old. My daughter's natural l had a 20 mo old, she was raising as a single mom when my daughter was born. I can understand that a second child isn't always the right thing for a family. We are forever grateful to her. Our daughter is amazing. I hope the daughter she is raising is just as happy and wonderful, and that one day they'll meet. (she doesn't want ongoing contact, but we both have each others contact info).

Answer 11

In response to what someone else said, a woman is not being selfish by wanting to keep her own child. In the cases where a sibling is involved as well as most others, it is selfish to give her away. You can provide the best for your little one. Your child already knows you a his or her mother and trips to disney world is not going to change that fact. Ask any child who has grown up what they would rather have one trip to disney world or to be with their parent? They will all say to be with mommy or daddy. Your seven year old will also be traumatized by this always wondering when you are going to give her away too.



And college can be free, that is a silly thing to give a kid away for. I went to college with no costs at all. I didn't even need to pay for food or textbooks and I had money left over. (And I had kids!)



It is very possible that the people you want to give her to will end up on welfare! They can get divorced like any other couple and your child might end up being the reason they divorce! It is very likely that your child may not ever go to disney world with these people or go to college. And they can not provide the same love and bond that you can. There will always be a disconnect, there will always be something just not right to your child.



Also, with things like adoption you should always be 100% sure you want to do it. Just asking this question proves that you do not want to adopt and you want your baby just like he or she wants you. That couple could have adopted ages ago, but they are the selfish ones refusing to have a family that may not be ideal through going through free foster to adopt.



Your doctor faces charges on ethical grounds. I would report him to the medical board. He may say it is your choice, but he really does not mean it.



Also, if you really do not want her (which is what adoption is for- children who are not wanted- not some fairy tale oooo better life and rainbows and unicorns It is for orphans and unwanted children end of story) than what about the dad. Do you have his permission to give his child away? Or are you going to commit fraud in court and potential charges of perjury to say father unknown? Also, are you expecting open adoption? Because it is not enforceable and it is a bunch of lies!



I know you are pregnant and reading this may seem harsh, but pretending you do not want your child for the sake of someone else is a harsh thing to do to your child. Please read the truths that many people post on this board about adoption, please read that many people regret this choice and many people hate the fact that they are adopted. You can be the best mom for your child! Nobody can replace you! If you are eligible for SSI, you are also eligible for food stamps, housing assistance, college tuition for yourself (through TANF or pell grant there also many local programs out there), daycare vouchers, clothing vouchers, furniture vouchers, many charities, and the list can go on. Take what you can get including the free college tuition and daycare vouchers and fix the problems that you are so worried about. Your child will thank you.

Answer 12

No matter what, adoption is hard, but I would be more concerned with your daughters reaction to it. How will she feel about her mother giving up her sibling when you have been taking care of her all these years? I would sit down with your daughter and have an honest talk with her and tell her that you simply can't take care of the baby by yourself because the daddy can't help you. I would also push for an open adoption so your daughter can still know her sibling. Just my opinion.

Answer 13

I cannot tell you what to do. I can tell you adoption is for keeps, it is forever and once you sign the paper, YOUR baby becomes THEIR baby and YOU have NO rights to SEE the baby ever again, no matter what THEY Say or promise right now.



Sorry for the emphasis...but that is the truth.



Now, to your doctor. Your doctor has a captive audience so to speak and that is YOU!! You are in a predicament, you are unsure of yourself and your are at risk for serious emotions that you may not normally have...rash thinking comes to mind too.



Your doctor has no rights at all setting you up with a pesonal friend.....he/she is taking advantage of the situation. If you are going to do adoption......you may as well hook up with an agency.



What to tell your daughter?? Tell her the truth in a manner she can understand. Don't lie as she will use that as a weapon when she is older.



As far as your future...your future is before you. It is a drop in the bucket of the rest of your life...now and forever. What seems huge right now will likely be tiny in comparison in a few years....think about it.



Make sure this is what you want, it is for keeps and they may be promising you the moon but before the ink is dry on the adoption decree....you will be yesterdays news and your baby will be gone if that is what they choose.



Not trying to make you defensive....or mad or hurt your feelings but that is the truth.



Silver and Gold will not by a HOME with parents all the time. Economics and what you can or cannot provide in the way of material possessions is moot when it comes to your child and the rest of their life with you. He!! in a few years we are all going to be destitute anyway with the way the economy is going....so join the crowd!!

Answer 14

this obgyn should be reported to the state board of medicine.



ps. with this economy, there is no guarantee that these "wonderful" parents will have money to do anything. hell, they might end up picking up a check or two.



if you are considering adoption because you think someone else is more financially stable, i strongly advise you to turn on a television or pick up a newspaper.



MOST OF US are at risk of losing our jobs...even your "wonderful" potential adoptive parents. and marriage, is not guaranteed.



oh...it's not your job to breed for people who can't get pregnant.

Answer 15

Don't give your baby up, you will end up regretting it. Think about going home from the hospital empty handed. Think about when your baby comes to you and says why did you keep my sister and give me away. It's going to be tough to answer that question. I speak from experience as I have lived with the guilt of giving up a child for 37 years.

It's up to you.

Answer 16

I'm about to say a buttload of things you probably don't want to hear so feel free to just stop reading now. But I warn you, I have valuable insight.



Don't you find it a bit convenient that your OB just happens to be close with a couple who is looking to adopt? Fishy, fishy, fishy. Many OB/GYNs accept kick backs for finding pregnant women who want to relinquish their children. It's called a finders fee, yuck. Most likely they came to your Dr asking if he/she knows of anyone wanting, or likely, to place their child for adoption. They may be friends but I doubt this is some kind of friendship from childhood or of much significance. All you know is what they tell you and the sad truth is that some people lie to get what they want. They want your baby.



I had my youngest daughter when my eldest daughter was 9. I was alone and on welfare at the time. Her father was a total write off, using drugs, partying and sleeping around and didn't lift a single finger to help me during the pregnancy. My little angel girl turns three this Sunday. I have an amazing job now and make more than enough money to support my girls. Sure I still get daycare subsidy and I live in low income housing but things are way better and they will get even more amazing with each coming year. Hell this summer I was able to afford a trip to New Orleans for a week! Three years ago I never would have though I would be able to go for a weekend camping trip! Her father is doing great as well. He had his second daughter this summer and is engaged to her mom. He pays his child support and is an active parent to her. He has turned out to be an amazing father, it took a while but he really stepped up. People change and grow, poor doesn't mean poor forever.



The third thing I have to say is that I lost a child to adoption. My son is 14 now. Every single day I think of him, every single day his memory causes me pain. I was promised an open adoption but I haven't spent any time with him since he was 2, the last picture I have was taken when he was 3. Open adoptions are NOT legally enforceable. You really have to go into adoption prepared for the fact that you may never see your child again, even if it is an open adoption. The pain of loosing a child is haunting. It colours every aspect of your life and changes you in ways you can't imagine. You are so early in your pregnancy. Just enjoy it and give yourself some time to really think on it. If you do choose adoption this couple, or another, will still be there waiting. There is ALWAYS time to choose adoption but you have to make an informed decision, this is not something to decide rashly or impulsively.

Answer 17

Maybe you can try to let the girl go and spend some time with the family, so that she can fell comfortable when and if you do let go of her. It is all up to you. Good luck at deciding. :)

Answer 18

my birth mother was 16 when she had my sister, and 20 when she got pregnant with me, she was struggling to provide for her daughter and put me up for adoption. she did what was best for her, and what she thought was best for me, and i respect her for that. but i cant stress enough to you how important it is to find the right family for your little one if you do decide adoption is best. my mother unfortunately did not find the best parents for me. my adoptive parents just weren't ready to be parents, even though they thought they were, i wont go into details on that. i ended up being raised by other members of my adoptive family.

i did find my real mother when i was 16, we tried building a relationship, but it was just too hard for the both of us. im not saying it would happen to you, but its possible. i was bitter that she kept my older sister, put me up for adoption, then had another daughter 2 years later. i just always felt like something was wrong with me since she didn't want me, ya know? and for her, i know trying to get to know me was hard too, she always felt guilty that she missed my first words, first steps, first school play, first date, etc. she broke down in tears when i showed her my baby pictures for the first time. we lost contact and haven't spoken for 2 years.

God has given YOU a special gift, but sometimes we just arent ready for his blessings. Maybe you can be a blessing to another family by giving them something theyve always wanted. But remember, God never gives us anything we cant handle. Sometimes its hard, i know this decision will be the hardest one you'll ever make. And also, trips to disney land arent the most important things in life, and theres always scholarships for college, a child needs a loving, nuturing home, and if the best place for it is with you, then go for it, be the best mom you can be, if youre dirt poor, living in your parents basement, but your kids are happy, thats all that matters, sure its not the best lifestyle but noones life is perfect. but if the best place is with someone else, enjoy the 9 months you have with your baby and prepare yourself to let go, for the sake of its happiness. good luck with your decision.

Answer 19

Just because you CAN give up the baby doesn't mean you should. You owe no one anything. Your daughter is going to have issue with your giving up her sibling. Just as your new baby will wonder why you kept their sister, but gave them up. Financial situations are up and down, but giving up your baby is forever. You do not owe another couple your baby. Your baby belongs with you and their sister. You have something another person can never give... heritage, linage, an actual biological family.

Answer 20

You don't owe your baby to anyone...no matter how hard they have tried to conceive and how much they want to be parents. Adoption isn't a "gift." It's not selfish of you to keep your child. Your baby wants you much more than he or she wants trips to Disney World...trust me.



If your doctor's friends want to adopt a child, they can go to DCFS in their county and do just that. The children in foster care NEED homes and families. Your baby already has you for a mom and your other child as a sister. Please read and take to heart the advice you will get here from adoptees and first mothers. Surrendering your child will be the most painful thing you will ever do and that pain NEVER goes away. For you OR for your baby. This new baby will always wonder why his or her sister was good enough to keep but he or she wasn't. You can get WIC, food stamps, and HUD if you have a small income that doesn't cover all your costs. There is nothing shameful about taking those benefits. I would take them if I needed them in order to keep my child with me!



Please reconsider and don't make any decisions until your baby has been born. Now is not the time to make decisions you may regret for the rest of your life.



ETA: Kim, you may not like the way Independ"ant" worded her statement, but unfortunately it's true. At the very least, what your ob/gyn is doing is unethical. It's called coercion. Please do some more reading and make decisions about YOUR baby without anyone else's influence.

Answer 21

No, you are not. Please look at these links. You will see that you are indeed being coerced into surrendering your child by your ob/gyn. Highly unethical, if not illegal.



Here is the link that talks about what your doctor is doing to you:



http://www.exiledmothers.com/adoption_facts/adoption_coercion.html



These links will let you see how adoption will affect you and your baby.



All the money in the world will NEVER replace your baby's mother...YOU. Your daughter will be devastated and it may severely damage her, and your relationship with her. Please do not do this. Listen to the first Moms and adoptees here. Oh, and BTW- anyone here who asks you to email them does not care about you, they just want to get their hands on your baby. The baby who knows and loves you already.



http://www.nancyverrier.com/pos.php

http://www.adoptioncrossroads.org

http://www.origins-usa.org

http://www.motherhelp.info/index.htm

http://www.keepyourbaby.com/

http://www.cubirthparents.org/edd/index....

http://www.thegirlswhowentaway.com/

http://www.nancyverrier.com/pos.php

Answer 22

I have a lot of respect for your decision! thats takes a lot of heart. You are surely a strong woman. Just tell your daughter what you feel in your heart is right to say.



I would tell her that there is a couple that really really needs a baby. They want to be mommies and daddies but for some reason they cant. Tell her you love her very much and and you thought giving the baby to that couple would be the best gift you could ever give them. And you know that since your daughter was such an amazing child you know that the one in your belly will be too. And they deserve to be blessed with a wonderful baby. Tell her they need the love of a baby and you already have all the love you will ever need from her (your daughter)



She would probably be really happy she would be helping to make the couples dreams and prayers come true. It is amazing how young children like that understand things.



Good luck, God Bless.

Answer 23

The dr was 'horrible and insensititve' because he told you the entire thing was up to you? No offense sweetie but I think that could be your hormones talking, because he's right. You have already had one child, (me too) so you know that ultimately that decision is YOUR decision and nobody else's. It is a very heavy decision and very scary for me at the time so I understand the panic of that but really, it's true.

Anyway, personally, before giving birth to my daughter I would have said I could never give a child up. After having her, however, I know the love that I would have for that baby would overcome any kind of selfishness. If giving this child up for adoption is the best decision for it then you are providing it with a wonderful family who can give it things that you can't. Bless you for doing it!

As for what to tell your daughter? Do you go to church or anything like that? I would seek some kind of counseling and maybe they can tell you the best way, because I would just say be honest but kids don't really need to know EVERYTHING...good luck!

Answer 24

Sounds like you have already given this serious thought and time. You clearly have a solid plan. It is very unselfish to want better for your kids. Adoption is the ultimate gift, and I applaud you in every way. The only concern I would have for you is how to explain this all to your 7 year old.

Answer 25

i think you have thought this through well enough and you know in your heart adoption is best for the baby. it will be difficult to explain to your daughter but i think if you just tell her that you are her mommy and the baby has its own mommy some where different and that she is very important to you, stress the fact that you love her. but the baby is going to a family that will love the baby as much as you love your daughter.



when the baby is born take pictures so later in life your daughter can enjoy pictures of her sister which she will appreciate when she is older.

remember you are doing a wonderful thing for that family and your protecting the baby and your daughters future.good luck

Answer 26

First off, GOOD!! It is good of you to be exploring your options. The first step is to realize how much another child will affect you and your daughter's life. I personally know how hard it is to give a child up for adoption. When I chose to give up my son, everyone called me selfish. Is it selfish that you want to give your child a better life? NO! Only you can make this decision but remember, there are tons of people out here that support you (whether you chose to raise the baby or not). If you ever need to just cut loose my email address is [e-mail]. Good luck!!

Answer 27

WOW that is a really hard!!! however listing to your story I think that would be a wonderful thing to do for that couple.

Answer 28

It is possible for you to keep your child.....many girls in your position have done it successfully.



Ask your daughter how she would feel if you gave her to strangers.