What are your personal perspectives regarding adoption?

Question

I see a lot of negative comments about adoption (not saying you're right or wrong; everyone has different views, and I haven't walked in your shoes). But I have a few questions:

1. What are your overall ideas about adoption?

2. When is adoption a good thing, and when is it a bad thing?

3. What changes would you make to "the system" if you could?

4. What experiences have shaped your views? (Are you adopted, an adoptive parent, did you give a child up for adoption, have an adopted sibling or relative, etc.)

5. Would you ever adopt a child?


Thanks :)

Answer 1

1. My overall ideas about adoption? It's more complex than most people realize, and in many instances, is not in the child, or mother's, best interest.



2. Adoption is a good thing when it provides permanency to children in foster care who, due to abuse, neglect, etc., are in need of a safe and permanent place to grow up.



3. Oh, man. This would be an overhaul. I can't even get into everything I would change, but open records and taking the profit motive out of adoption would be a good start.



4. Being abused as a kid, growing up in an addictive home, working with children in care, and working with pregnant and parenting teens.



5. I am adopting 2 children (siblings) from foster care.

Answer 2

Good question!



1. It can be a very good thing indeed, if done properly, it can be the best thing for the child in question (note emphasis on the word child, not parents!). It seems to me to be incredibly challenging yet rewarding.



2. It is a good thing when a child who cannot be cared for safely any longer in their family gets a new family. It is good when people serve the best interests of the child. It is good when parents are properly prepared to parent an adopted child, not told it is just the same as a birth child.

It is bad when money comes into it. It is bad when the adoption is unnecessary. It is bad when there is coercion. It is bad when people scam others, whoever they are.



3. I'm in the UK, so changes to our system... more post adoption support. more money needs to go into supporting adoptive families after adoption, families break down without support.

In the US I think money needs to be taken out of adoption altogether. Agencies who coerce to be prosecuted. The biggie is open adoption records! How unfair to withhold the truth from people about their origins. So discriminatory and it must be stopped.



4. Friends experiences and several great forums. Yahoo answers also has helped me to understand different perspectives and appreciate others opinions etc.



5. Maybe one day in the future I will (I am researching now, and am still very young so in a decade and a half who knows...) I am certainly aware of the need for adoptive parents in the UK and am aware of the challenges now and I am not put off (maybe I am insane!)

Answer 3

1. What are your overall ideas about adoption?



That like abortion, it should be legal, safe and rare.





2. When is adoption a good thing, and when is it a bad thing?



Adoption is a good thing if the child is clearly in a worse situation not being adopted. Like being safe.



EDIT: It is a very bad thing when it involves coercing or conning some poor desperate scared girl into surrendering her baby. It is a very bad thing when the adopters just want to buy a baby.



Actually, it's hard to imagine adoption and a "good thing" together in the same sentence ; the circumstances that make it necessary are really never good. Adoption is only "good" when it is the best available solution to a child's needs and well being.





3. What changes would you make to "the system" if you could?



Transparency. People have a right to know that they are adopted and a right to know who their natural parents are. There should Not have to be sealed records and difficult long searches.



I understand there are rare situations when the biological parents don't want contact (I would guess it's usually the father who doesn't) and that some children have no interest in contact. That's unfortunate but there should still be an option for information to be available, such as medical histories.



EDIT: I also think open adoption agreements should be made legal and enforceable.





4. What experiences have shaped your views? (Are you adopted, an adoptive parent, did you give a child up for adoption, have an adopted sibling or relative, etc.)



I am with my older brother who stepped up after my mom died. I went off to live with him. I can't say I've had bad experiences at all.



I am aware of the horrible abuses with adoption in Canada (and the US) both in the white culture and to First Nations and I'm thankful that many of the worst abuses no longer happen and think they should be more widely known about.





5. Would you ever adopt a child?



Maybe. I would certainly be open to adopting a relative and can might adopt or foster a child who is Indian or Inuit or Metis. Even if they were not from my own people I could keep them aware of and in touch with their own culture and at least they may not feel as lost..



EDIT: re Pip's answer, I think legal custody/guardianship is better than adoption too. Adoption has a specific legal meaning of course, not just taking someone and raising them.

Answer 4

1. What are your overall ideas about adoption?

I'm not a fan of adoption. I know there are times when it is necessary, but that doesn't mean I have to like it.



2. When is adoption a good thing, and when is it a bad thing?

It's a good thing when for some reason a first parent cannot or will not raise their child or there has been abuse and/or neglect.



It's a bad thing when a young and/or poor pregnant woman is told how if she really loved her unborn baby, she would put it up for adoption so a older, richer infertile couple can raise it. They tell her it is so the baby can have everything she doesn't have when really it's about the one thing the infertile couple doesn't have...a baby.



3. What changes would you make to "the system" if you could?

Pre-birth matching would be made illegal. If a pregnant woman was considering adoption, she would be counseled in what adoption would do to both her and her child emotionally as well as what resourses are available to help her if she chooses to parent. Oh and ALL adoptees would have thier original birth certificates and the ammending of birth certificates would end



.



4. What experiences have shaped your views? (Are you adopted, an adoptive parent, did you give a child up for adoption, have an adopted sibling or relative, etc.)



I am adopted, and I am an adoptive mom



5. Would you ever adopt a child?



Four years ago, I would have said NO. However when my husband's daughter was neglected and possibly abused by her first mom we got custody of her. Later, her first mom asked me to adopt her and there were good reasons for it and so, tho I was a bit reluctant, I did agree to the adoption as long as my daughter's first mother was allowed to stay in her life.



I know she has made mistakes, but nothing changes the fact that she is my daughter's mother, the same as I am and I know how important that relationship will be to my daughter, not to mention if someday her other mom has more kids, she and her siblings have a right to know one another.

Answer 5

1. I see adoption as an overall amazing thing. Opening up your arms and giving a child a home to become apart of your family is beautiful.



2. Adoption is good when you are really ready to commit to it, if you're just going to send the kid back because he/she isn't ideally how you want them to be is when it goes bad.



3. I would make it so the actually process can be somewhat shortend.



4. I don't have any relations towards adoption.



5. I would and will sometime way in the future adopt kids.

Answer 6

1--Though the system is flawed, adoption itself is a wonderful thing that has been happening since the beginning of time.



2--It's bad when it happens against the will of any party involved. It's good when everyone is consenting, content with their decision, and of course, when the adopting family is strong, healthy, and loving.



3--I think there are too many problems to list, but overall, I'd change the financial benefit involved because that pushes people to make poor decisions.



4--I have an adopted sister.



5--Probably not, due to the cost, but if money were no issue, then yes. I would especially want to adopt a child who was being raised in an orphanage in other countries where the children are regularly severely neglected. It just broke my heart when I read a detailed story about the conditions of children in certain country's orphanages, for example, babies who spend their entire first year lying on their backs staring up at blank white ceilings. That image will always stick with me.

Answer 7

1. What are your overall ideas about adoption? - That it about finding a family for children that really do need a family, when it's in the child's best interests. The reality is that it's not always about the child and in countries such as the US it's about money. In the UK money has been taken out of the equation as all adoptions have to go through a social worker either through social services or adoption agency. All it costs to adopt is £140 which is for court costs.



2. When is adoption a good thing, and when is it a bad thing? - When a child is truly and orphan and doesn't have any close family or if the child is being abused/neglected it's good. When it's forced/coerced adoption it's a bad thing. However I prefer legal guardianship to adoption.



3. What changes would you make to "the system" if you could? - Encouring and supporting parents so they do keep their child, pointing parents in the right direction for resources to do so, if parenting classes are needed to encourage them to do that, social workers working alongside families with adoption always being the last resort



4. What experiences have shaped your views? (Are you adopted, an adoptive parent, did you give a child up for adoption, have an adopted sibling or relative, etc.) - I was bullied and lied into into surrendering and it's the worst experience I have ever been through. I was expected to get on with my life which I did as the alternative was death. Was expected to forget about my son but never did. Was expected never to talk about my son so didn't until reunion. Was told I would have move children, I didn't due to infertility (hubby). That my son would be able to search for me when he turned 18 but wouldn't as he would be too happy with his adoptive parents. My son has had a good life and is loved but he has major issues with adoption so it has destroyed two lives not one. To rub salt in the wound he found my family when he turned 18 who thought it acceptable to lie and didn't tell him where I was. If I hadn't found him they would have continued to lie. I will live with the pain of surrendering till the day I die and reunion has made it worse as I have seen the damage done. From a POV adoption has had a very negative effect on me. I do accept that some parents shouldn't have children. Sadly what happened to me still happens today so in this respect the system needs changing as single parents should be supported in their choice to be a parent.



5. Would you ever adopt a child? - No, I prefer legal guardianship to adoption.

Answer 8

1. What are your overall ideas about adoption?

i think the original purpose has been lost. adoption was about providing homes for children without parents (due to death or abuse), not providing babies for people who (for whatever reason) can not have their own.



2. When is adoption a good thing, and when is it a bad thing?



good: kinship placement (abuse or neglect), foster care adoption of older children.



bad: you'll have to read my Q&A for that. my answers are a bit lengthy. but, as a primer: 1) prebirth matching, 2) "birthmother" status prior to birth, 3) paps in the delivery room (eww..), 4) paps in the hospital, 5) signing papers after birth, 6) open adoption, 7) price differences based on race (do white "birthmothers" have more needs than non-white "birthmothers?" than why does it cost almost DOUBLE to adopt a white baby?, 8) profit and propaganda surrounding adoption, 9) trolling for pregnant girls in high schools, malls, walmart, et al., 10) kick-backs paid to "crisis pregnancy centers" for referrals, 11) adoptive breastfeeding (YUCK!!!), 12) and on and on...



3. What changes would you make to "the system" if you could?

1) no prebirth matching. it's inherently, coercive. 2) take the profit out to adoption. 3) stop adoption advertisement. if there's so many women who want to place their babies, then why advertise? 4) stop marketing adoption as a 'cure to infertility'. no little innocent baby can (nor should be required to) fix an adult's inability to become pregnant. 5) encourage young women to seek their own counseling. adoption agency counseling is biased. once more, you can read my Q&A for more suggestions...



4. What experiences have shaped your views? (Are you adopted, an adoptive parent, did you give a child up for adoption, have an adopted sibling or relative, etc.)



as a college student, i made an adoption plan, and changed my mind. i was harassed for months after my son was born.i was threatened that i would be reported to CYS (because i'd reported no income..i was a student), and that my son could be taken. all of this, was of course, not true, and highly unethical. it caused me a great deal of emotional distress for years, which, included depression and anxiety. yet, as i've told my story, many many women have reported similar experiences by "adoption counselors, social worker, and "advocates" who purported to "help them." i also dislike the disdain and fear shown towards mothers who choose to parent (we are accused of "scamming", "evil" or "causing people pain as if their child died", et al). the community of people who helped me to "recover" were my ex-boyfriend and his support group members who were adult adoptees. this is why i have a great deal of respect and empathy for their voice. and will remain vocal for those young women who are ambivalent or pressured into adoption.



5. Would you ever adopt a child?



only if it was a kin or foster adoption. i would never adopt a newborn, unless a kin or foster (which is unlikely). i would N.E.V.E.R do a prebirth match or adopt through an agency.

Answer 9

1. What are your overall ideas about adoption? i think adoption is a wonderful way to build a family. The system isn't perfect, but if it's done right it can be a good thing for everyone involved.



2. When is adoption a good thing, and when is it a bad thing? It's good when a child needs a home or birth parents don't feel ready to be parents & want to give their baby a better life in an adoptive home with a mom & dad who want children very much. It's good when parents love an adopted child as their very own & help them grow up to be the best they can be & understand & listen to their feelings about being adopted.

It's bad when parents see adoption as a second choice & a replacement for birth children they don't have. It's bad when birth mothers are coerced into giving up babies, they need to come to the decision on their own. It's bad when agencies scam both birth & adoptive parents. It's bad when parents don't tell their kids they're adopted (although I dont think this happens much anymore.) It's bad when agencies lie about a child's health & you end up with situations like the parents who "returned" the Russian boy.



3. What changes would you make to "the system" if you could? I would make private adoption less expensive so more families could afford it. I'd take away all the prejudice surrounding adoption. I'd make sure birth mothers were treated ethically & had access to counseling. I'd make sure all agencies were run ethically & prosecute the ones who are running scams.



4. What experiences have shaped your views? (Are you adopted, an adoptive parent, did you give a child up for adoption, have an adopted sibling or relative, etc.) I'm an adoptive parent. I've been through a lot trying to adopt, we were scammed twice before we adopted our daughter. I also have a couple close friends who are adult adoptees.



5. Would you ever adopt a child? Yes! My husband & I adopted our daughter 9 months ago. We'd like to adopt again but probably won't for financial reasons.

Answer 10

1. What are your overall ideas about adoption?



I think adopting locally is a wonderful idea. There are many children that are looking for stable homes. Adoption is a way to give someone a home. If the thought of child birth repulses you, you cannot have kids, or want to help, LOCAL adoption is wonderful. (By local, I mean within your home country).



2. When is adoption a good thing, and when is it a bad thing?



Adoption is wonderful. I say that you should choose a child from where you live, but that is a personal belief. Even if you choose a child from another country, helping a child have a good, stable home is a wonderful thing. Don't adopt a child only to send it back into the system later.



3. What changes would you make to "the system" if you could?



I would find a way to make adoptions for older children more desirable.





4. What experiences have shaped your views? (Are you adopted, an adoptive parent, did you give a child up for adoption, have an adopted sibling or relative, etc.)



I grew up in foster care. In my younger days, I was a guest speaker for potential foster and adoptive parents.



5. Would you ever adopt a child?



Yes! One day, when I am more stable and can afford it, I will adopt a few children.

Answer 11

This is a good question. Thanks to those who share and engage in respectful dialogue. It is good for me to read the perspectives of those whose experiences differ from mine.



1. It should be about the best interests of the child. Not everyone is cut out to be a parent. Being with a biological family is the ideal, but when it is not possible, adoption is another way to make sure every child has a loving and stable family. Adoption is forever and the child should be treated like any other member of the family. It is the responsibility of adoptive parents to educate themselves on how to help their child deal with the emotional repercussions as best they can. Honesty and openness are paramount.



2. If money enters into the equation, that is wrong.



RE: International adoptions: People in poor countries shouldn't have to be forced into adoption because they are poor. But I wouldn't force a child to grow up in an orphanage to make a stand about that, since I don't think we are likely to solve global poverty anytime soon. I am an idealist when it come to doing whatever we can to make the system better, but a pragmatist when it comes to doing what is best for one individual child.



RE: Domestic adoptions: People shouldn't be forced into relinquishing their parental rights because they are poor or young or single, provided that they can care for their child. There should be services available to help keep families together. Women should be fully informed of their rights, including the fact that "open" agreements are not legally enforceable.



But if the home is unsafe for the child due to substance abuse, violence, neglect, or exposure to predators, adoption may be the best thing for the child. Kids in foster care will return home if parenting classes, rehab, or other services can resolve the problem. If not, they deserve families.



It's hard for those who grieve for the children they lost to imagine, but sometimes people just aren't willing to make the sacrifices necessary to parent their children. A young woman who knowingly left her children in the car all night while she partied with her friends in a hotel room was not ready to be a parent. It would be better if she had recognized this about herself and chosen adoption rather than letting her kids die in an overheated car. Susan Smith wanted a new boyfriend and thought she'd be more likely to find one without kids, so she strapped her kids in their car seats and pushed the car into the lake. These aren't typical examples, but they do happen. Tragedies like these aren't necessarily preventable (and adoptive parents have been guilty of horrific abuse as well.) I don't think just because a woman is young or poor that we should assume the worst, but neither should we assume that it is ALWAYS best for a young woman to raise her own child if she feels she is REALLY not ready to. There's unprepared like "This is overwhelming, I don't know how I'm going to handle this" and then there is unprepared like "I'm not willling to change my lifestyle in any way to accommodate this child." Two vastly different kinds of unprepared. Adoption would be the best choice in extreme situations like these.



It's a bad thing if the adoptive parents haven't been screened and trained, if they don't understand what adoption means, if they haven't considered what is best for the child in terms of knowing about their genetic and cultural heritage. If everyone involved isn't honest and putting the needs of the child first, it's a bad thing.



3. I am learning here more about problems in the private adoption system. I think all adoptive parents should receive training and be screened. They shouldn't be allowed to adopt unless they recognize that the child has a right to know about their birth family, to search for them someday, to hear them spoken of only with respect, etc. I think young women should be protected from too much pressure from social workers and they should also be informed of their rights and the services available to them. Maybe there should be two separate counseling programs where a plan is made for each option - raising the baby or placing the baby with an adoptive family. Social workers should be working for agencies that do not have a vested interest in promoting adoption, only in helping to determine what is really best for children.



I think adopted children have the right to know where they come from. I don't know how to reach 100% compliance on this though. For example, in some parts of the world, people kill or abandon their newborns because of shame and even danger to their own lives, so governments have set up anonymous safe havens where desperate women can leave their child instead of killing it or abandoning it. I think these safe havens save children's lives even though they prevent the child from ever knowing anything about their birth families.