Question:
Thinking about giving my baby up for adoption?
2011-04-22 07:09:22 UTC
I love my growing little one already! but i am having severe panic attacks.... How good of a mother i wil be? how i will work and go to school? Who will watch the baby while im there? Can I still finish my degree? The baby's father is mia and does not care. I have done a lot of research on adoption and found a lot of good but also a lot of bad... i need some advice and please if you must be cruel post your **** on someone elses question... thanks
Sixteen answers:
gwen
2011-04-22 07:11:28 UTC
its your decision, if you want to do it then go for it.
2011-04-22 14:15:47 UTC
How good of a mother i wil be? how i will work and go to school? Who will watch the baby while im there? Can I still finish my degree?



Welcome to the world of every new parent, I doubt there's any first time parents that doesn't think at least some of those things - I had 2 kids (now adults) - did I know if I'd be a good father or not? not really, I bumbled along, did my best, ****** up now and again but they turned out to be decent citizens in the end so I don't think I did a bad job.



I was panicky at first 'oh my god, here's a new life and it's totally dependent on me' as up to that point all I'd really cared about was drinking, chasing women and getting laid, no-one has all the answers right away you just have to learn as you go along - mistakes included.
?
2011-04-22 17:13:08 UTC
Honestly it's great that you already made the decision to have to the child, not everyone would quickly come to that decision especially if they are already having panic attacks. I think you really need to look through this thoroughly and consider what would be best for both you and your child and if you think adoption is, then that's your decision. I mean, you can be involved in who you want to adopt your child but that does not make it any easier for you to do. The other thing, you might question how can you do it all, baby and school being a single parent but know that nothing is impossible, the word itself says "i'm possible", so just look more in depth about how you can make it all happen for you and your baby just like you research into adoption, it could change your perspective and help you out a whole lot more. I truly give you my best and hope it all works out for you, Also know you that are already a good mom from the time you are worrying of her needs and life to make sure she has a great one. :)
Wildgrl
2011-04-22 14:49:19 UTC
I think what your feeling and thinking is common for all new moms. Anxiety is powerful stuff. rest assured you CAN and will succeed. Have you ever noticed that most of the people that say "Your too young", and "it will ruin your life", etc etc -- aren't parents? Well..How do they know unless they tried it? Ask any young mom if she would ever give up her child. I'm pretty confident they would give up anything BUT that child - and there is a reason for that!



There are millions of young parents. Successful ones! In fact, there are more successful young parents then unsuccessful. Plus, chances are good that your own parents were young when they had you!!



Think about how your own life would be if your parents gave YOU up for the selfish excuse of age, and career goals? Would you feel cheated? Would you feel pathetic? I did, and still do. I wasn't adopted, but my "mom" chose drugs and prostitution over me. Her loss, not mine.



I have 2 friends in school that are both single moms, great ones at that, and they are both grad students. There life is just as "hard" as those that aren't parents. Their priorities are different of course. The big difference being one goes home to her baby, the other goes out partying. Personally, I would choose a family anyday over a shin-dig.



I'm also not sure those feelings your having go away if you do choose adoption. You'll forever wonder. That's not really something I'd want to live with for the rest of my life. I would want to be 100% confident that i'm making the right decision. The alternative is haunting.



Just my thoughts... but I still wish you the best with either decision. :) {{{hugs}}}
2011-04-22 14:15:59 UTC
First off, you are a very responsible person for bringing these issues to light before the baby arrives. You are smart to want to plan for your future, and that of your unborn child. If you are not in a stable position to raise a child, or just feel as if you aren't ready, then adoption is probably your best answer. There are many loving couples who would glady accept a baby. My father was adopted as an infant, and several years ago he located his biological parents and other siblings. He found out that he had a much better life with his adoptive parents than what his biological mother (who was 16 at the time he was born) could offer him. Some adoptions are open, and depending on how open they are, you could still get pictures or the occasional visit with your child. Think about all your options carefully. It may be helpful to meet with a social worker or adoption agent to discuss things further. Good luck in all you do!
?
2011-04-23 08:30:42 UTC
Alleah,



You don't say how old you are. That makes a lot of difference in how I answer this question. If you are 20 and up(give or take), you can raise your child on your own, if need be and if you truly want to. It is hard but you can do it. If you are a teen, then my answer changes because the reality is that teen motherhood is a very dismal existence for both the mother and the child, this is due to a lot of variables such as immaturity, lack of finances/poverty, inability to finish high school let alone going to college, lack of employment opportunities etc.



Since you say, "Can I still finish my degree?" I am going to go with you being a college student. You can do that. I was a single parent when I finished my BA so it can be done. Is it going to be easy? No, it won't. Will you probably have to drop down to part time? Yes. Will you have to apply for WIC., food stamps, cash assistance? Yes, you will. Will you have to make a lot of compromises? Yes, you will. Is it worth it? Yes, it is. One of the proudest days of my life was when I graduated. My son walked down the hill with me and it was an awesome experience. But, it was difficult.

Go to your financial aid office and ask them what grants and scholarships you qualify now that you will be considered independent. Go to student housing and ask about married/single parent student housing. Go to your college's "non traditional student" group and ask them for services and information on scholarships. Sign your child up for the college day care. Ask around to see if there is a single parent group on campus. If not, start one. Other parents will have a wealth of information ranging from which professors are sympathetic to your situation, to baby sitting duties, study buddies, people to swap clothes with, etc. Get a laptop so that you can do your homework at home since you won't be able to go to the computer lab.



If you want to parent, those are things you should look into. But if you truly do not think you can do it. If you do not feel that you are ready to become a parent, then go to an agency. Talk to them. Get information. Just like you should get information from your college. Get what you need to make an informed decision. If you are in college, go to your college's student legal aid society and talk to a attorney/3rd year law student/counselor there and ask about your options. You won't be the first person to ask these questions, so don't be embarrassed.



If you decide to give your child up for adoption, that does not make you a bad person. In fact, in a college town, you will probably be able to find a support group. Again, if that is what you are leaning towards, go talk to other birth mothers. Go talk to other mothers who are in college. Listen to what they say and how they handled the situation and whether or not they regret it.



Lastly, all parents are worried. I've managed to raise one successful son. So, I know I can parent but I still have two sons at home and I still worry if I am doing a good enough job. Just like your decision to give your child up to adopt or to parent, knowledge is key. Go get some good parenting books (I like Touchstones by T. Berry Brazelton) and learn how to parent. Call the local hospital and ask if they have "Love and Logic" which is a really good parenting class.



Ultimately, it is your decision. Make the decision with a clear understanding of what it is all about.



Good Luck



Dena
?
2011-04-22 17:34:13 UTC
Personally, I'd parent, and did. She's now 20, and is safely ensconced upstairs in her bedroom. :)



EITHER PARENT OR ABORT!



DO NOT ABANDON YOUR CHILD TO ADOPTION!



Also DO NOT contact anyone on here who's saying "mail mail me, I'll snatch your baby away from you"





Adoption or Parenting Not Always the Best Choice

@ http://thenotsodailyherald.wordpress.com/2010/07/27/adoption-or-parenting-not-always-the-best-option/



Things I Wish I Knew When I Was Considering Adoption

@ http://www.exiledmothers.com/adoption_facts/wish.html

What you should KNOW if you're considering adoption for your baby

@ http://www.cubirthparents.org/edd/index.php?id=1

Considering adoption? Don't feel you have any other options?

@ http://www.keepyourbaby.com/

Myths told the unmarried mother

@ http://gift-not-choice.tripod.com/myths-about-asfa.html

Adoption Truth

@ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QOZGwqHVnKs

Unplanned Pregnancy without Crisis

@ http://www.motherhelp.info/index.htm



Open adoption is almost never legally enforceable, and many parents have lost access to their children due to broken "open" adoption promises.

@ www.mercianeclectics.dsl.pipex.com/adoption/OpenAdoptionWall.htm

@ www.bringperihome.com/

@ https://answersrip.com/question/index?qid=20100830162150AAi478W





Quotes taken from Nancy Verrier's book, Coming Home to Self

@ http://www.nancyverrier.com/self_book.php



For the adoptee every day is a challenge of trying to figure out how to be, although he probably doesn't understand the difficulty this presents for him. It has been true his whole life and, therefore, feels normal. However, it takes a great deal of energy and concentration. And it never feels quite right. He never quite fits. Therefore he feels as if /he/ is never quite right.

(pg 50)



Abandonment and neglect are reported to be the two most devastating experiences that children endure - even more devastating then sexual or physical abuse. That's why some neglected children do naughty things to get attention. Even though the attention is hurtful - being yelled at, hit, or otherwise harmed - it is better than neglect. /Anything/ is better than abandonment. Abandonment is a child's greatest fear. For adoptees, it is also reality, embedded in their implicit and unintegrated memory.

(pg 102)



It is sometimes difficult to spot grief in children. After all, it isn't as if the child sits in a puddle of tears his entire childhood. As one adoptee said, "Of course I played, laughed, sang. Do people think that if you're not sitting in a corner with your head on your knees, you are not sad? I had happy times, but the sadness was always there, even when I was having fun."

(pg 117)





_____Links supporting families to stay together_____



Single Mom @ www.singlemom.com/

Mentor Moms/MOPS/Teen MOPS (support!) @ www.mops.org/

Angel Food (food assistance) @ www.angelfoodministries.com/

Feeding America (food assistance) @ www.feedingamerica.org/

Co-Abode (housing assistance) @ www.coabode.com/

Safe Families (for emergency/crisis care) @ www.safe-families.org/

Teens @ www.teenbreaks.com/pregnancy/pregnancyhome.cfm

Adoption Crossroads® and Adoption Healing @ www.adoptioncrossroads.org

Adopted Child Syndrome @ www.amfor.net/acs

Origins-USA @ www.origins-usa.org

United Family Services @ www.unitedfamilyservices.org/

Family Assistance Foundation @ www.familyassistancefoundation.com/

Safelink Wireless @ www.safelinkwireless.com/



Good luck!
?
2011-04-22 14:18:54 UTC
I think that it is an admirable decision to give you child up for adoption. It won’t be an easy choice to make, but if you do not think that you are going to be able to give your child the kind of life he/she deserve then adoption is the best choice. Having said that; if you are giving your child up because it is going to be too hard or too scary then I think that you are making a bad choice that you will regret.



The fears that you are having now are normal. It seems like there is never a good time to have a baby, but you make the best of it and do what you can to give your child the best life possible. I don’t think there is a wrong choice here because your baby will be loved either way, but I think that you will regret giving your baby up because you are scared to be a mom.
456654
2011-04-22 14:14:22 UTC
mostly boils down to finances, can you afford a sitter, while you go to school. cant really help since you do not have any info on it. is there anyone else that can help you can help you care for him while you attend college. if not could an online degree be an option, or late night community college. also check out the government, there are many welfare programs in place to help persons in situations like yours. adoption should be a last resort, and you will probably regret it someday if you do.
SPAYPET
2011-04-23 11:33:52 UTC
You have to make this decision yourself. Here is a workbook that may help you decide:

http://www.pregnancyoptions.info/



Try parenting first, perhaps, to see how it goes.
amber moon
2011-04-22 16:18:45 UTC
If you think the baby will bring you down, then you have every right to put it up for adoption.
:)
2011-04-22 17:53:29 UTC
If Shanequa in the ghetto can do it with 10, you can do it with one.
2011-04-22 14:39:43 UTC
its so hard for people who are adopted its better to put them up for adoption when there a little infant because there going to want to know who you are trust me im adopted and its so hard on me.
Ashlee Jensen
2011-04-22 14:13:17 UTC
Strangers can't make this decision for you.



There ARE a lot of great adoption options though.



Some people can't handle giving up their baby, especially when he/she is born.
?
2011-04-23 01:54:03 UTC
just do whats best for your child.
Darcie H
2011-04-22 16:34:47 UTC
If you think it is what is best for the child, then go for it.



Please answer mine

https://answersrip.com/question/index?qid=20110422093347AAtFKIY


This content was originally posted on Y! Answers, a Q&A website that shut down in 2021.
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