Why are so many bmoms butthurt when they find out so many of us adoptees hate the fact that they ABANDONED us?

Question

E.g., Katie and James answer in the "How do we sort the certification messes of ART out?" Q over @ http://uk.answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20110131073541AAC2Ulm

Is it because our hatred of having being ABANDONED makes them uncomfortable about ABANDONING their own off-sprogs? Or is it because our hatred of being ABANDONED somehow invalidates the choice they made in ABANDONING their own off-sprog? Or is it for entirely different reasons that I haven't been able to think of yet?

Answer 1

You weren't ABANDONED.If you were ABANDONED, you would have been left in a freaking dumpster or a ditch.



Quite whining like a bi tch and get over it.

Answer 2

Adoption is made possible due to a profound loss. How that loss manifests can vary for adoptees... some will accept it & come to terms with it, some will rationalize it away, & some will deny it all together. Most adoptees, by definition, have been abandoned in one way or another. Even a death usually registers as abandonment to children, so adoptees are certainly entitled to feel abandoned by their natural families no matter what the circumstances were.



The adoption triad has three very different point of views. They are all valid & of course there are exceptions as some have already mentioned above... but to say the hope was to give the child a better life is still a rationalization. It does not change the fact that the child lost its entire family.

Answer 3

Possibly because some birth mothers felt, for whatever reason, that adoption would provide their child with the stability, family life, financial backing and opportunity that they felt unable to provide? I don't know, I'm just guessing. Cos my birth mother was a violent, abusive ***** and frankly the day I got taken away from her was the best day of my life so far. And my children's birth mother makes mine look like Mary Poppins. My 8yr old is deaf in one ear from being used as a punchbag and his little sister will need various operations on her leg as she grows, where it was broken as a baby and not set. I know it was her because my 8yo still remembers his "bad mama."



Being adopted isn't always a bad thing.



Edit: and to be honest the self-pitying whining of some adoptees (eg 7rin) makes me angry. I would far rather that my birth mother "abandoned" me at birth than that she screamed her frustrations at me each and every *effing* day for over four years before I got rescued. And the social workers who did everything to keep my kids with a mum who didn't want them???: So no, i'm not going to validate your emotions. Unless I've misunderstood, your APs weren't abusive, right? So all you have to complain about is that your birth mother had you adopted. Boo hoo and come back when you have a real problem.

Answer 4

I wasnt/am not hurt. I was suprised 3 years ago when I joined this forum. As an adoptee who had never felt this way, I had no idea other adoptees didnt feel the same as I did. I only knew 3 or 4 other adoptees and they had the same experiences that I did so I REALLY DIDNT KNOW. I never knew there wasnt a bad side, that there could be trust issues or abandonment feelings. I didnt have them, so I didnt know. I know much more now. I have learned a TON-mostly from Sunney, Tish, Sly and Pip who Ive talked to here for a few years now. I dont always agree but never 'disagree' if that makes sense. I cant put down someone elses experience or feelings though Ive never had them myself.

Answer 5

But a lot of the stuff that you post on you say abandonment, implying that you think that those girls are abandoning. That is why people get hurt about it, you tell them they are abandoning their children when most of them go on to see their children and know how good of a home they are in. I do know that you said you were abandoned in '73, the system was very different then and it has improved. I don't know all the circumstances of your life and your mother's life as you do not know all of the things in other bmoms heads

Answer 6

Instead of spending your adult life with this attitude of attack and anger, why dont you let it go? Wouldn't it be a kick if your children felt that you have abandoned them by being so obsessed with this that you are not emotionally there for them? I see you all over the web, and you are a woman obsessed, hurtful to others, and always saying the same things. You are 30-something- let it go! Cant you just pick up and move on? How do you think your children feel when you say that you would rather be aborted? And how would you feel if your children said to you that they would rather have been aborted?



Your rants are fine for a 20-something person trying to find themselves. You should be learning to cope and move on- or your children will learn their coping skills from you.

Answer 7

Regardless of how our adoption occurred, whether it was a case of coercion or a woman truly believing that giving her child away was in the child's best interest, what our baby-selves experienced was abandonment. I know many adoptees who have been rejected a second time by their biological mothers which only adds to the feelings of abandonment. I do understand that there were many women who were coerced, who were tied to beds, who were drugged to the eyeballs, who were told their babies died - there are also those who hide behind this excuse because they feel guilty for giving away their child. There are mothers out there who refused to give in to the coercion, who fought tooth and nail to keep their babies - my mother in law is one of those women. She did it alone, no support from her family, no support from my partner's father, she went to Uni, got a degree, worked her butt off and raised an amazing man - it was 1975. I know this woman very well now and she suffers from manic depression and she still managed to keep her child despite society and all her struggles. Knowing this makes it hard for me to believe that some of our mothers in the BSE didn't take the easy way out. And before you jump all over me and say it wasn't easy, that you lived with the pain of it ever since, I know that, but you were the adults in the scenario and we were babies whose mothers gave us away.

Answer 8

Maybe because they don't feel they did abandon their babies? Maybe because it's a massively difficult decision to make but they made their decision in the best interest of their baby because they were not able to offer their baby the kind of life they felt they should have? Or maybe because they had no say in their decision, because their baby was taken from them, when all they really wanted to do was to keep their baby and bring their baby up as best as they could, but they had no choice in the matter? Maybe because they've spent the rest of their lives regretting that decision and would reverse that decision in a heartbeat if they could? Maybe because they're human too and find the condemnation associated the concept of abandonment unjustified and hurtful? Maybe because to abandon a baby means leaving a baby on the steps of a church or a hospital, as opposed to a baby being removed from his or her mother in the belief, whether that belief belonged to the birth mother or someone acting for them, that that baby would be given a better life by being raised by somebody else, that situation being arranged by an agency or intermediary or some description who have the interests of the baby in mind? Maybe because the use of the term abandoned, referring to the child, implies that only they are allowed to feel betrayed or let down, whether that is justified or not, while the same word applied to the birth parent, the abandoner, implies no thought or consideration was made, that such a big decision was taken with little regard for their child's future life and upbringing, that it was ultimately a selfish and cruel thing to do, and that the concept that doing something so apparently inhumane might actually be the most selfless thing they, as a birth parent, could ever do just holds no weight with some people might hurt a little? Have you ever put yourself in the shoes of someone who has to make that decision and thought about just how difficult it could be?



How dare you belittle this definitive, hugely personal and enormously emotive aspect of adoption, by the way, with your childish language and your use of an arbitrary sentence in a dictionary definition as a way of illustrating your point. Abandon seems to me to be really unhelpful word to use in relation to adoption anyway. You really need to get some therapy and get a grip on this.

Answer 9

My biological mother did not abandon me. My biological father did abandon her. She thought about what she had to do in order to survive the culture of Catholic Ireland in the f ifties.

I do not feel anger towards her.

Answer 10

"Why are so many bmoms butthurt when they find out so many of us adoptees hate the fact that they ABANDONED us?"



Because most did no such thing. So it's hurtful to be accused of it. BSE, coercion, or a real belief that is what's best for THEIR children...doesn't add up to ANY definition of abandonment no matter what definition you quote.



It's fair that you feel you were abandoned. I wouldn't deny you that perspective any more than I would deny a first parent theirs for either being tricked into adoption or willingly choosing it.



Your links and references in your answers are very helpful to someone considering adoption for their child. It's the "yelling" "abandonment" every second sentence that loses you readership (which is kind of the point right?). You can and will keep doing it...and that's fine...but it tends to make such a person (i.e. pregnant woman) look the other way instead of looking deeper into your info.



Just sayin'

Answer 11

Because we live in a self-infatuated society. You can't watch an episode of the Simpson's without someone telling you that nothing else matters as long as your happy. Happiness in of itself is good, don't get me wrong, but that doesn't mean that one can leave responsibilities and commitments behind. Adoption is a perfect example. The system exists for mothers who are Physically unable to care for their offspring, not as a dumping ground for those who decide that happiness is more important than that child's future, more important than that child knowing family, and more important than the love between a mother and a child. The worst part is, most of these "happy" mothers is that they expect their former off-spring to understand.



In short, happiness must exist within the bonds of reality.

Answer 12

It's semantics. I think you are using the "given up" or "forsaken" (giving up something held dear) definition of abandonment rather than any other. Most women who have lost a child to adoption probably assume you mean one of the other more common definitions like "left behind" or "forgotten"; which most mothers have never done. Some mothers take offense because:



1. Many women were told by society, parents, facilitators, etc. that they were not "abandoning" their child but that they were "making the loving choice" by handing them over. Abandonment was never a word that was used to describe the act of "surrender" when they were considering adoption. Some were even specifically TOLD that adoption is NOT abandonment. (If it were, I doubt many women would choose it.)



2. Some women weren't given a choice, their infants were TAKEN. They did not CHOOSE to abandon their children. Some were drugged, threatened, forcibly had them taken or even signed over by their parents or other guardians (It was/is a common problem for BSE/EMS mothers and foster children who have the misfortune of getting pregnant while in care.) **DISCLAIMER** I'm not referring to people who's children are removed due to abuse or neglect.



3. Some women were promised "open adoptions" where they were told they would always have contact with their child and therefore did not feel that they were "abandoning" their child. When APs choose not to honor promises of ongoing contact, did those mothers intentionally abandon their children? Many mothers don't feel that it does.



Abandonment is a harsh word to describe what many mothers have experienced and for some, the general definition does not describe what they felt/feel or their intentions and might be taken offensively when used to describe their personal experiences - especially those mothers who were ABANDONED themselves by society, their partners/supposed support systems or the APs of their children.



***Of course this doesn't change or negate how their children (or others) might feel about the same!!! Adopted people have EVERY RIGHT to feel how they feel about their own situations!!! ***



If people were told the TRUTH about how adoption might effect their children; that it MIGHT make them feel abandoned or that the promises of "open adoption" are not enforceable, adoption would be FAR less common, IMO.



ETA: I know you mean it to sound harsh and I am ok with that! I think some people NEED to hear it that way. I am not offended by it personally and I understand why you do it. (I hope you already knew that! ;) )

Answer 13

I see your point ... and you aren't saying all mothers are hurt - you are asking why so many are. I used to be that way - I insisted to my found son for years that I had no choice in his surrender. And as far as knowing of any way to fight harder to keep him than I did, I trusted the authorities such as my parents and the social workers telling me with every plan I suggested that it wouldn't work. I finally caved.



My son felt and still feels I abandoned him and he has the right to feel however he wants. I don't agree that it was my intent, but I also believe people have free will to choose to believe whatever they want. I only get upset if other adoptees call me an abandoner - I only left one baybee and it was my own. They have the right to call their own natural mother an abandoner if that's what happened or that's what they believe happened.



As much as I wish more than anything that I had fought harder to learn about my rights at the time and available options - I dropped the ball because it hurt my child forever. Never for one second would I have done anything to hurt my child if I had known how to do otherwise.

Answer 14

is it because society has glamorized adoption so much thatsome b mothers have actually confused them selves with some kind of hero insisting they were giving their kidsn up to betterr them instead of fighting for them like a real mother would do it blows their whole fake exsistnce, and leaves the truelly caring bmother to shoulder that pain alonem

, not to acknoledge her hurt but be proud of her sacrifice, it wasnt that progressive when i was adopted it was not mentioned it eas a dark secret to most even a shame to some adopted kids depending on the social class and there so ensues an attitude toward the once again innocent child ..who in turn has been lead to believe they must be humble and gratful for being thrown to thw way side so that some other human can take creidit for raising a child of someone elses, its all a cop out on ur side be reailistic , if someone came at u like u expressed this then ya i bet u shur did get buttsore feedback , ive been on both sides and unless ur adparents sucked and tortured you and were harmful then u scored least they CHOSE to take you they meant that, and also its in our nature to defend our seves when attacked sounds like ur a slight manipulator with quite a bigg sore *** yourself

Answer 15

I've been watching and reading, especially since a local Christian "crisis pregnancy center" was determined to be nothing more than a breeding ground for perfect, white babies who were adopted by "loving Christian families" for fees of around $25K. That's a LOT of money going into this "crisis pregnancy industry", and "group homes for unwed/teen mothers" which I've found is growing by leaps and bounds. I thought human trafficking was illegal, and that selling human beings had been made illegal in the US via the 13th Amendment to the Constitution. I guess that for this purpose babies aren't people, although the same people say that human life begins at conception.



Most of the girls/women who give their babies up for adoption have been thoroughly SOLD on the lies that contraception is a sin or (all) contraceptives are abortificants, that first-trimester abortions are painful for the baby, that it feels, thinks, hears, and has its own dreams for life.... and have been sold on the notion that "all life is sacred" even though thousands of people die of starvation every hour. Many of these girls are young, impressionable, and have been indoctrinated rather than educated. If they don't realize that, and more if they go on to propagate it to others, a now-grown "baby" who was given to adoptive parents saying that she "abandoned" them is going to upset her. It conflicts with her whole world view. She believes, has been taught to believe, that she did "the right thing", even though it might have bothered her, and she's talking others into doing "the right thing" by bringing infants into the world in other-than-optimal conditions.



Of course, this leaves out the little fact that they get between $14.5K and $25.5 K for each "perfect" white child placed... or sold. Woe to the child who was custom produced like this who turns out to be non-white or mixed-race, disabled, or drug addicted. The people getting these children may not realize or choose to think of the payments made as "legal" fees, or fees to cover various expenses. The birth mother gets none of it.



Parenting is an ethical contract. If one gives birth, they should and must do their best to rear that child. Yes, they will give up a lot for it. Of course, if someone abuses or neglects a child others must take over the obligation, as well as if the parents die before the child is grown. Before World War 2, the focus of adoption was to care for children who NEEDED homes. After World War 2, and more so since the 1980s or so, the focus was to provide children for childless families. A lot of this is for people to adopt "custom made" children (and feel good about it) rather than helping out a child who really is alone and needs someone. These days, those children are considered "unadoptable".



BTW, I'm an atheist, so I hold no particular esteem for people doing something because some unobservable being says that's what he wants them to do. I'm also the child of a mother who chose to have me under conditions where her husband didn't want me, she was physically incapable of caring for me, and the relatives I was shuttled around among only wanted the money offered.... for a time. She thought abortion was "wrong" (illegal at the time, but quite available and suggested to her).



I'm also childless (partly as a result of the abuse from those charged with a toddler they didn't want). I have no right to parent a child on the back of causing someone else's suffering.

Answer 16

The only reason that I do feel abandoned is because she has more information then I do. She knows when I was born, she knows at what hospital, and she knows who she gave me to. All she has to do is contact them and they could find me. She says that she gave me up because she was young and couldnt properly care for me, but now she's in her 40's and im a mother myself so I dont need her to care for me anymore I just want to know who she is.

Answer 17

Speaking for only myself, I didn't feel abandoned. I have met with my birth mother and I know she wished she didn't have to do what she did but she felt it was the best she could do. And while I can't say if things could have been better if she had raised me, I can say things are good for me now and I told her.

Answer 18

It used to hurt me as I didn't abandon my son and the only way my parents and adoption agency could ensure the adoption went through was to blatantly lie to me. He grew up believing I didn't want him. Now I am jut sad that I didn't have the knowledge then that I do now. I ahould have been supported in my choice to be a mother.

Answer 19

Sorry, 7rin...you truly lost me here. I won't have you or anybody else label me an 'abandoner', anymore than I will have anyone label me a 'birthmother'. Nor can you speak for my daughter (adopted as an infant)...she is quite capable/able to speak for herself with me, face to face... and believe you me, she sure has!!!...more than you can possibly know. Almost 12 years into reunion now, she has yet to use the word 'abandon' and no longer calls me 'birthmother'. Believe me, if she really thought I was an 'abandoner', she sure as hell would have already told me that.



So sorry babe...but I was just as 'abandoned' at the age of 18 in 1964, when I gave birth to my kid...I was 'left' to handle it alone. And nobody gave a big flying f**k about me, nor really about my kid. She was only worth her salt if she was adopted by strangers. Otherwise she would have just been the 'bastard' kid of the 'loose' girl.



I can appreciate your sentiments and I can respect YOUR 'feelings' of abandonment...but nobody gave you the right to label all surrendering mothers 'abandoners'.



By all means call your own natural mother/parents 'abandoners' if that's what floats your boat, go for it. But nobody has given you the unilateral right to decide who and/or what comprises an 'abandoner'.



ETA: @OP, please don't play coy, it doesn't suit you. Putting different forms of the word 'abandon' in all CAPS...doesn't sound like a question, but rather a rant & rave. Do you speak for all adoptees, in all countries, including America or just the ones you personally know, no matter where they were born? And I am going to assume that you have decided to speak for all adoptees, because of your use of "our hatred"...who is "our"?? Why not simply say....*My hatred*, as you are the only authority/owner of your personal "hatred".

I had also assumed you knew more, but evidently you don't by saying this..."our hatred of being ABANDONED somehow invalidates the choice they made in ABANDONING their own off-sprog?"

Ahhh...key word here..."choice". Were you there with me while I was pg in 1964, were you in the hospital with me when I gave birth in 1964? No, you say? You are absolutely correct, you weren't and you know nothing of my life back then, nor anything of the lives of the many unwed young mothers that lost their newborns to adoption, in any westernized country during the BSE...and yes ma'am, in the majority of the cases during the BSE there was no choice.

This was a deliberate ploy on your part with a specific agenda, to ask this 'supposed' question...to bait and inflame. Well, congrats...you succeeded. Happy now?

Answer 20

In 1987 in Bakewell, England I was literally "abandoned" at 4 hours old. I was left in a sports bag outside of a house and found by a 16 year old boy who was going to cut the grass in the back garden for the home owners. When I first found out about my story I was mad at my birth mom for dumping me as if I was nothing but garbage, but when I was 17 my outlook on her changed.



I got pregnant at 17 and I PLACED my son in an open adoption. Going throught that process made me realize how much love my birth mom had for me and that her decision to leave me outside of someone's house was a hard and heart breaking thing. I respect her in so many ways and think that what she did was very brave. (The link below is my story in full)



Placing my son in an adoption was the hardest thing i've ever done but I did it because I couldn't give him what he needed and deserved. He is now a 5 year old happy, healthy and loving little boy and I wouldn't change what I did for the world. I get to see him whenever I want and he will always know who I am.



Adoption can be a hugely positive thing, you just have to look at both sides of the story before judging birth moms ... Having hate and anger towards them is a waste of time and energy. Give us a break, we did what we thought was best!

Answer 21

I don't think all children who have been adopted hate their birth-mothers for having been "abandoned", they only do if they are not happy with their situation and if they have been brainwashed into believing their birth-mother "gave them up" or told horrible tales about her.



I heard a program on radio recently about the foundlings hospital in London in the 19th century. The historian said that all babies that were handed to the foundlings hospital has something with them like a ribbon, a button, a letter, anything that the mother would use to identify her child in the future as virtually all of them had the hope to reconnect with the child at one stage.



No mother "gives up" her child. They may do it physically, but mentally, and emotionally, no one is ever given up.



Hatred of a natural mother is not instinctive, it is nurtured into you by the adopters.

Answer 22

Or it's because they actually wanted you to have a chance in life that they knew they wouldn't be able to offer you. I don't see how you were abandoned anyway. Did you have a loving family growing up? Was someone there to love you and be there for you? Maybe that is why they gave you up for adoption. They obviously didn't feel that they could offer you the life you deserve even though you are treating them like they dumped in an alley with a note.

Answer 23

Whoa! Racheypoo nailed it! Get out of my head!



I think the victim stance is something that guilts us into a relationship and I think it's manipulative. I don't have a "primal wound" but "bmoms" lap that **** up like crazy. They love the idea that they dump us, and then we wait for them, unable to love until they return. It's a total ego trip out at our expense. Sorry, but while you were gone, we went on living our lives.



Puke.

Answer 24

You really have some issues, but nothing that couldn't be resolved with counseling. If you honestly feel like you were ABANDONED, then why would you want to be REUNITED with the one who ABANDONED you. I agree with :).......stop whining and get over it.

Answer 25

because they thought they were giving us a better life & helping us .

Answer 26

I'm sure my son resents me for it even though I haven't told him that I was coerced by the system and his aps. However, even if I did tell him and he chose to resent me for being a coward/idiot - it's his right because either way - I LET HIM DOWN.



It doesn't make me feel insecure to know that my actions hurt him because it's more important to me that he feels validated. And I appreciate the chance to say, "I'm sorry" to him for the rest of my life - if that's what it takes to keep him in my life.

Answer 27

the attitude on this board and some other ones too is that bmoms were all innocent and naive and the mean old social workers and mean old adoptive parents stole their babies from them



wellll, NO ONE is 100% good or 100% evil, which means, bmoms are not all innocent, coerced and trapped and aps are not all out to get them. please.



and then there is us, adoptees who have to pander to one or the other. bmoms claim that they care about US and want to work with US. the real deal is that they want to work with those of US who stroke their egos so they can pretend that whatever they did, whether they gave us away or screwed up so royally that we were taken from them, that we love only them and only will til the end of time. If we have the nerve to call someone else 'mom' (which would not happen had THEY not given us away) then we are shunned, told we are in denial and told that our voices are not worthy of their presence and they won't fight for us. only the ones that kiss their butts.



don't kid yourself, 7rin, bmoms are out for themselves only. the only adoptees they care about are the ones who make them feel better about themselves, and they use adoptees as pawns and weapons. they are jealous of and resent the people who raised us, so they figure they'll give em their comeuppins, and make us hate them (aps) as adults. they ***** about the word birthmother but they are allowed to dole out abuse because ever-one was soooo meeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaan to them. my mother still blames us kids for "squealing" on the **** she did. like we were supposed to take her crap and now she rewrites history. the social workers were all out to get her, right? we're not supposed to remember the beatings, the hunger, the screaming, etc, etc, etc,,,,,



i'm sick to death of being told there is something wrong with me for not hating the people who raised me. do i still want open records? YUP. do i still want adoptees to have equal rights? YUP. but i have no reason to hate my aps. sorry. i'm not going to give anyone strokes and blow smoke up their asses and pretend i laid awake pining all these years. thats all they want to hear. that we yearned. too bad. get therapy.

Answer 28

It's because they've been telling themselves since they ABANDONED us that they are good people who saved their pwesus ickle baaaaybbbeee from something terrible. They can't own up to the fact that they are and were cowards for not having the abortion and being done with it (for those who got themselves knocked up in the era of legal abortions) or taking responsibility and parenting. So, instead of being mad at themselves, they get mad at us for having the audacity to call them out on their behavior. If the whole army is out of step...



Actually, frokney, my AP's could never figure out why I hated her so much. "She did it out of love," and all that crap. My bio-abandoner made a *choice* just like every other bio-abandoner makes a *choice.* You choose to abandon your child rather than doing the right thing and aborting it and then come back, years later, claiming you were coerced, brainwashed, etc... Time to call B.S. on the "poor innocent me" routine they like to put on. Hatred for one's mother may not be natural, but hatred for one's abandonder is to be expected.