Adoptees - how do YOU feel about spanking?

Question

There's a big debate going on over on another message board, and I wanted to get your voices out there. How do you feel about adopted children being disciplined with physical interventions such as spanking? Where is the line, for you, between abuse and parenting technique?

Answer 1

Spanking is counter-productive. I just teaches violence.



My kids respond better to a punishment that forces them to calm down...time out, separating them (since usually it's their fighting that gets them in trouble, lol), or taking away a favorite toy for the day.



If that doesn't work, they go to their rooms.



Raising adopted children is not the same as raising your own. They came from another family, they lost that other family, and how much they feel that loss varies. But the loss is there, and to spank or physically hurt an adopted child serves only to compound that loss. They were given away from their first family only to be stuck with a different family who hurts them? How awful.



Adopted kids need nurturing, not beating.

Answer 2

Take out the word 'adopted' & discipline them the way you would if you had biological children...there should be no difference. I will say though - if the adopted child has a history of physical abuse in their past you may want to rethink your disciplining methods if it involves spanking...but that should be in regards to any child as 'adopted' or not should not make a difference.



However, I would highly reconsider making certain vocal threats to an adopted child that you may normally make to a biological child such as anything to do with kicking them out. That's not to say that adopted child should be allowed to do whatever they please but when my parents said shnit like that to me the first thing that runs thro- my mind is abandoned once so there's no doubt it can happen again, right?!



My parents had NO problem spanking my adopted a$$. Regardless of being adopted or not spankings can be effective if not done out of anger or where you leave marks/welts with other objects...I will be the first to say that spankings do not work for everybody as there is no one fits-all type of discipline.

Answer 3

Personally, I would never EVER spank my daughter.

I may swat her hand if she tries to stick it in the electrical socket, or run over the road, but that's it.



Why? I have a broken tooth, split lip, broken eye socket, etc, all from my Adad's 'spare the rod' kick.



Really, Where is the line?



I don't see one. Physical violence against your child is never okay, unless it's to spare them that second from something worse.



I don't really see what adoption has to do with it, It all depends entirely on the child. Some children that have come from abusive homes should never be spanked, no matter how bad their behaviour is.



Other than that, it's really a matter of preference. I think there are better ways to deal with things than hitting a child.



Kap.... Now i don't even want to trust you with a goldfish.

You really have no idea, and I hope you god you don't have children for a long time.

Answer 4

I was adopted almost forty years ago, when spanking was something all parents used! I have an elder brother, also adopted, and a younger brother who was a 'surprise' (mum thought she was hitting the menopause!). We were all spanked quite regularly - and probably far more than I would do with my own children - but certainly not abusively - it was just parenting practice then, and my generation are, on the whole, a darn sight more respectful of authority than those who grew up without any corporal punishment.



Abuse is hitting out in anger/spite/frustration. Spanking is a thoughtfully administered 'slap' to the bottom or back of the legs, to enforce a very strong 'no' message. Is it necessary? 99.9% of the time, no, not in my opinion - but I have to say each of my kids has had a smack in their lives, for extreme bad/dangerous behaviour.

Answer 5

I try really hard not to answer questions intended for a part of the triad that I don't belong to ... but couldn't let the comment about adopted kids needing more discipline go by. Please, someone tell me she's not an AP!!! How can we get them to let us give 100 thumbs down to really a$$inine answers?



Oh, better answer the question ... I was spanked as a child, with my mother's hand and then with some stupid paint stirring stick my brother made for my mother in shop. (And then the brilliant boy made her ANOTHER one when she broke it on my other brother). I don't think it damaged me psychologically, my mother never crossed that line - and aside from the rightness/wrongness of it - I think it was the least effective punishment she could ever have used. For me, there was never any logical connection between what I did wrong and getting spanked. It didn't deter me from anything - it had nothing to do with the consequences of my actions, it was a fleeting physical pain (more like a sting). I'm much more of the mindset that the punishment should, in someway, be a consequence of the behavior. Honestly, even when I was very small - being spanked was sort of a laughable, quick punishment.

Now ... my father lecturing me for two hours ... THAT was a punishment.

ETA: Jennifer L: Yes, absolutely! Adapting parenting techniques to the child - honestly, one of the first things they discussed with us in our adoption interview.

Answer 6

I am not adopted, but have thought about this:



Of course every child in a home is different ... each child is an individual.



But "adopted" children should not get more severe punishments [and spankings] than natural children in the family ... but normally they shouldn't be shielded form spankings either [though laws of the land may dictate]. I mean, if the natural children/teens get spanked from time to time but eh "adopted" child seems exempt ... then he or she might feel he or she isn't really part of that family. Not necessarily a severe spanking, but getting a few swats like the others ... can't see any real problem and might really be a "bonding" into the family.

.

Answer 7

from my personal experience i would say spanking is useless. I was spanked for stupid reasonsbut that was irrelivent really. I only got spanked about three times, but i remember each one. I felt really awful and humiliated. I felt embarrissed, esp as my mum smacked me on the bum. I was quite sensitive and was quite a good little child and could be disciplined easily, so oi dont think i needed to ever be smacked. My parents only ever smacked me when they lost control or got overly angry which is not good.



Here smacking is now illegal (in new zealand). Most people objected to it but Im studying early childhood education and I believe that smacking is wrong. It is seen that you shouldnt smack your wife, your husband or even your pet, so why smack a defensless child.



There are countless positive ways of discpilining children and the first things that a parent needs is a strong, warm relationship with their child. They need to go out with the child, have deep conversations with their child have fun. not just always giving out commands and telling them off. The more they trust you and get to know you the more they will respect your feelings. You can then use the many positive guidence techniques out there to help your child. CHildren learn from each other and their parents, if you love your children and show this, express your feelings openly with one another and demonstrate positive behaviours (eg. if you are feeling angry you say "i feel so angry at bla bla because of bla bla, i think i might watch tv for a bit to calm down" or something to demonstrate strategies your children can use. There is no use expecting your child to tidy up if you dont tidy up after yourself. Once you are doing everything "correctly" then u can set ground rules and gently but firmly set concequences such as taking privilages away. However, always listen to your children there may be a hidden message under the negative behaviour, usually when i missbehaved it was either because I didnt realise i was doing something wrong or i was upset or angry about somehting and my parents didnt understand.

Answer 8

I'm not sure my views on spanking have anything to do with me being adopted but here you go.



I am basically against spanking. I don't think a swat on the behind is abuse but I do think there are other ways to handle discipline. I have spanked my kids and usually regretted it. It usually was because I let the child get out of control to the point where I had to resort to it. I think most behavior if caught early can and should be handled without spanking. That said it is hard parenting and I totally understand what can lead a parent to spank their kids.



ETA-just wanted to say that Jennifer, you make some really good points.

Answer 9

I am also an adoptive mother that wants to add my two cents. My son was adopted through the Foster Care System. He originally came to live with us after being beaten so bad by his original father that he was put in the hospital many times. Obviously spanking this child was never a option. Even raiding our voices sent him into hiding. For the first 4 years that he was with us, our only form of discipline was to sit him down and talk. Explain to him why what he did was wrong. I think this worked better than anything we could have done.



My older two (bio) boys used to get so upset because they would get grounded and loose privileges. But how do you withhold privileges from a child that would not even play with toys for the first two years because he didn't want us to think he liked a toy for fear we would never let him play with it again? I can't count how many times he brought me a fy swatter when he thought he was in trouble for something.



BTW Kap, you are a flippen idiot! If anyone deserves to be hit with a belt right now it is you. Ignorant comments like yours piss me off when I have seen what abuse does to a child firsthand. I just hope you never have to see a small child with bruises covering 35% of their body, untreated broken ones that did not properly heal so they had to be re-broke and properly set. Let’s hope you never have to coax a child out from under their bed because you yelled t another child and he was afraid you would beat him. Do you still find child abuse humorous?

Answer 10

Man I can't believe that comment about adoptive kids needing more discipline. Just because a kid is adopted doesn't make them worse than a biological child. I've seen plenty of biological children that are total out and out brats.



I think there are pluses and minuses for both corporal and non-corporal parenting.



I have seen children who were raised with corporal punishment where the parent went too far (spanking for every single thing) or even father than that which would qualify as abuse. In that situation, I would think that corporal punishment would be bad.



However, I have seen children raised without corporal punishment who would not behave and ran all over the parents and acted like total spoiled brats.



Personally I think a combination of the two can be the best approach. Not every offense should equal a spanking and spankings don't necessarily have to really painful either.



In my situation my father would spank us, but it did not hurt at all. However, the fact that he felt we were naughty enough to need a spanking and that we had disappointed him made us cry every single time and we were quick to alter out behavior afterwards.



----



As far as adoptees go, my oldest aunts were not exactly adopted because they wouldn't allow my grandpa to adopt them even though their father was deceased, however, he acted as a father figure and he didn't feel he had the right to spank them since they weren't his children. However, he spanked my mom and her two siblings that he fathered. This in part caused irreparable damage because they felt like they were separate from everyone else. It didn't matter that my grandpa was nice to them in every way possible other than that point. It made a rift between them and the other children and to this day they aren't very close and I think possibly it contributed to one of them bouncing from bad relationship to bad relationship through most of her adult life.

Answer 11

I know you have gotten a lot of answers, but here is one more to add to the pile. I am an adoptive parent to a precious 3 year old. We do not spank. I was spanked as a child, and it is the one big things my parents regret. In regards to our adoption, in North Carolina, we signed paperwork stating we would not spank before we were approved to adoptive parents.

Answer 12

Gaia: through foster care in our state, it is explicitly prohibited to spank or tap or hit in any form or fashion....and is grounds for immediate removal of the child. Right now our boy is 14 months...and understands and speaks relatively well.....this is a good question, and I may need to ask one in return on the forum. I was spanked as a child and never want to spank my own child....but I am having some difficulty getting the message across to a toddler that saying 'no' to me is wrong when I tell him to do something. Some great responses, so thanks for the question.

Answer 13

I am not an adoptee. But I have to comment about the first answer.



As a child I was beat by anything my parents could get their hands on in a rage. Belts, broom handles, wooden, plastic and metal spoons, sticks, hairbrushes, toilet plunger handle,

valence rod, wire hanger, spatula just to name the things I can remember.



Beating a child like that is dehumanizing adopted or not.

Answer 14

I think your concern comes from not thinking of the child as your own. What would you do different if the child was your own blood? If there is a difference you have to think about what other ways you are going to treat the child differently. When you adopt a child you become the parent. Blood is not the issue. You treat that child with as much love and care and if you can't do that then don't adopt.



Spanking as I remember was terrifying but not painful at least not lingering pain. Everything you do with your child sends a message to them. You need to be the one that sets the boundaries and the child should know the consequenses to those boundaries. Spanking should be a last resort you have to be in control when/if it happens. And always make sure you are clear to your child about why they are in trouble. If they ask you don't say "you know why" you tell them and tell them out of love. You don't have to be raging with anger to spank. When anger steps in you are more likely to be hurtful physically and have the child confused by the reason they are being spanked.

Answer 15

I feel parents are free to discipline their child(ren) (adopted or natural) the way they see fit. If they want to spank the kid as long as it’s not a beating but a firm swat to the rear with their hand ok. If they prefer a time out or something or a talk with the child ok. Some methods do not work for every child.



I will say that I was rarely spanked only if I did something real bad, the same was the case with my brother. Also look in the case of parents who have both adopted and natural children who are in the same age range, they should not differentiate in their discipline methods. It just would not have been right if say my brother did something really bad and got spanked but if I did something really bad or similar all I got was a time out or something else.

Answer 16

I do not use corporal punishment in my home. I expect my children to be kind and compassionate and I lead by example. I was spanked often as a child and all I came away with was a fear of my father and a strange love for discipline in the bedroom.

Answer 17

I am also 100% against spanking. I was spanked as a child - also had the leather belt and slapped. All it did was make me fear my mother, teach me how to be sneakier, more manipulative and a better liar in order to avoid spankings.



I also dreamed that my natural mother would have never spanked me which of course made my adoptive mother even more of a monster in my eyes.



I will never understand the thinking behind teaching a child right and wrong by hitting them. How do you teach a child to never hit another child if they themselves are being hit by the adults they look up to?

Answer 18

i do not agree with that belt-spanking! If you adopted a kid, that means you agree to cherish them as much as your biological kids--not treat them any different!! I was spanked, pinched, and pulled by the ear when I was younger. I recognize that I may have had it easy compared to some people, but for others, it really scars them for life if they don't have the right personality or mind set to overcome it. Luckily I did not turn into emo kid!

Answer 19

Hope you don't mind my answering because I'm not an adoptee.



Anyone who thinks parenting an adopted child is just the same as parenting a biological child is wrong.



But more to the point, when you are adopting older children, especially if there is a known or suspected history of abuse/neglect, the adoptive parents need to be VERY careful of the method of discipline used.



Spanking a child that has been physically abused may trigger some terrible memories and do some significant emotional harm. Likewise, sending a child to bed without supper, when that child has personally experienced starvation, is also very inappropriate.



This is really one of those case-in-points where, as an adoptive parent, you really have to parent to the individual needs of the child.

Answer 20

I was spanked, and I spank.



The line between discipline and abuse comes when you start using anything other than an open hand to spank with, or if you leave any kind of lasting mark (bruises, as opposed to a red bottom which fades within minutes.)



I haven't had to spank my son in several years, and spankings were NEVER over anything but safety issues. I'd rather he had a sore bottom than a trip to the ER because he touched a hot burner, or ran into the street.



Spankings are really only a useful tool in the very early years.. between walking and reason.. say 18 months and 4 years.

Answer 21

To the poster who said adoptive kids need more disipline (?), my parents are foster parents and most behave better than my bio-brother.

Answer 22

I'm against hitting a child 100%. I think parenting classes will help those that feel its a solution. All your doing is putting fear into a child through violence. When an adult gets upset and vents in public should we smack them to get them to behave as we wish.

Answer 23

I don't see anything wrong with it, as long as brusies aren't left. I was adopted and I got spankings and I turned out just fine.

Answer 24

Regardless of whether a child is adopted or born to you, I believe that spanking is WRONG, WRONG, WRONG!



To say "I was spanked & I'm OK" is like saying "I didn't wear a seat belt growing up & I'm OK. So my kids don't need to wear a seat belt" or "I didn't wear a helmet..." or "My parents smoked around me when I was growing up..." Hopefully, you get the point.



It's not the lack of spanking that allows children to misbehave or run amok. It's the absence of DISCIPLINE - which doesn't have to include physical harm.



Spanking is for parents who are too lazy to PARENT their children; can actually be counter productive; happens when we're too tired to effectively deal with our children's needs: simply don't know what ELSE to do. Dog trainers don't hit their dogs, for gosh sakes! Yet we are still hitting our children?



http://nospank.net/pt2008.htm

http://www.nospank.net/wepsk.pdf...

http://nospank.net/nurture.htm

http://nospank.net/jhunt4.htm

http://www.alice-miller.com/index_en.php...

Answer 25

hmmm. good question. i don't believe in spanking. i have never been hit, and i do not plan to hit.



what makes no sense to me is when parents spank their kids for hitting someone. huh???

Answer 26

I don't know why it makes a difference whether they are adopted or not. Are you specifically speaking of children who are adopted at an older age and more likely to come from trouble backgrounds? If so, they are probably beyond the age at which spanking is appropriate anyway.



Edit: OK then, my answer would be if you would spank a biological child, go ahead and spank the adoptive one. But just with your hand and not past the age of 6 or so.

Answer 27

You'll love this--my abro & I were 'spanked' (beat is more like it) with wooden paddles,bread boards, Hot Wheel tracks, and leather belts. My abro once had a frying pan flung at him.



My siblings who were my aparents bio kids were NOT spanked. Ever. They often snickered at us.



My amother also smacked us across the face (often in public), and had my abro so scared that he often flinched in her presence, say when she was reaching for something, thinking he was about to be clobbered. She got a chuckle out of this.



It wasn't the pain that was bad, (often came with welts) it was the burning humiliation.



I think a quick swat on the butt once in a blue moon is fine--any else is abuse.

Answer 28

adoptive kids need more discipline than other children. So spankings with a belt is ok but i wouldnt do that to my biological kids