If you share characteristics w/your adopted fam...?

Question

If you share characteristics with your adopted family, have similar interests or talents, a similar appearance, do you think an adoptee will feel more connected? Does it lessen the ache or the sense of loss or feeling out of place that some adoptees feel?

Conversely, when an adoptee looks nothing like their new family, has completely different talents & interests - does that increase their sense of feeling out of place? feeling disconnected?

Does a sense of connectedness have more to do with the your parents encouraging your interests & talents regardless of whether or not they share them?

Does denying the differences contribute to the distress some adoptees feel? (or completely ignoring the differences, say, when the adoptee is of a different race, for example)? Is it better to acknowledge the difference without making a big issue of it?

Answer 1

I have blonde hair and blue eyes like my a-bro (natural child of a-parents).

I was always told how much we look alike.

Even though we looked alike - we had very different traits and interests.

When my extended a-fam get together - I kind of fit in - but don't fully - and that aches.

I tried so so hard to have the same interests - just so I could fit in.

At times I didn't know if my interests were genuine or not - I just wanted to be not rejected - to fit in.



Genetics are an amazing thing - and I didn't realise how amazing until I met my half blood sister 3 years ago.

We are SO alike - it's astonishing.

Then I ache some more because I missed growing up with those genetic links for most of my life.



I think it's definately harder for those that look NOTHING like their adoptive family - or are of another race.

But no matter - it's hard growing around those that aren't your own kin.



No matter what though - it should be acknowledged - and not ignored - or worse - overdone.

eg - "You're so like your brother - you look more alike than his elder sister" (his full blood sister)

Denying the difference is definately hurtful.

It needs to be handled with care.

Attitudes will change often for adoptees.

Some days they desperately want to look the same - be the same - be that a-family.

Other days they desperately want to know and be their natural family.

Heck - I know many adoptees that really wish that they were just born to their a-family - then they wouldn't feel that disconnect. It would be so much easier.

Many people think that we want to know our first families because we don't like our a-family - but often that couldn't be further from the truth.

We want to know because there is this primal need to see, hear and touch those that look, act and have interests the same as you.



Adoptees don't ask to be thrown into a family of genetic strangers - so they live life as best they can. If you can help them understand that feeling confused by it all is OK - absolutely OK - because the situation is kind of messy.

Empathy is the key. And being completely open and non judgmental as to how the adoptee feels.

Answer 2

katieiskate had offered a great perspective from an IA, so I'll try to offer a perspective from the opposite end of the spectrum.



My adad and I share a very similar family history. It's so similar that's it's highly unlikely in a stranger adoption. We both originate from colonial American families of various nationalities. My adoptive and natural paternal grandmothers share a nearly identical heritage. My natural maternal grandmother shares a very similar heritage to my adoptive paternal grandfather. My father and I both descend from the same proud, thick headed, independent stock that founded this nation.



Did it make me feel more connected? No. As charmed as I was with their ancestors, I was completely cut off from any knowledge of my own.



Not knowing is a cruel mind game. There is no way to avoid feeling disconnected when we ARE disconnected. The only way to resolve the feeling was to gain the missing knowledge.



I have no advice to offer about racial differences because I was not placed in that situation. But it would be a mistake to assume that by placing a child into a family with an identical ethnic and cultural heritage to their own, those common (yet unknown) bonds would eliminate the expression of a sense of loss.



Does it lessen the ache? Not a bit.

Answer 3

I'm a lot like my adoptive mom. We're both argumentative, passionate, stubborn people. We have the same style of arguing so are fights always went in circles. My adoptive family and I share a similar sense of humor, but I also share my sense of humor with about a third of the population.



Being like them doesn't lessen the ache of my loss or feeling out of place. Everytime I start to feel like I belong I look in the mirror or at a family picture and am reminded of exactly how much I don't belong. Or I can just go out with my family in public and other people staring will take care of that.



Denying the differences between us definitely contributes to the loss and heartache I feel. When I was sixteen and wearing makeup for the first time both myself and my mom were at a loss on how to make up my asian eyes. I tried different things and she would give me tips, but I would get upset when her tips didn't work saying "But mom, my eyes don't look like yours!" and she genuinely would say "I don't know what you mean, you're not different, you're like us!". Makes me want to cry even to this day because it is so sad to me that she wouldn't recognize our differences. Even if she admitted we were different our relationship would not change or suffer. I would not love her less.



I think a large part of that kind of thinking on her behalf came from the adoption agency. I don't know how the agencies are now, but when I was born they told her to give me an "American" name without any "li or lee sounds" or anything that sounded Asian in it so I would blend better. The thinking then was that if you tried your best to blend your kid they should fit if you did everything right. But a square box will never fit in a circle hole. We are different and there's not a da mn thing wrong with that.

Answer 4

For me when I adopted blonde haired blue eyed children I was happy. I did not choose this as a side note. I got my children as foster children with no clue what they looked like. My 4 year old looks just like me when I was her age. My 3 year old looks just like my wife but with blonde hair. My wife said it did not matter what race the children were. For me I would love an child but these children were mine. When I told my mom I was a lesbian the first thing she said was that she would never have an blonde haired grandchildren. My heart broke for her. Then when God gave us 5 blonde haired blue eyed children I think she was happy with me. I wanted a child that looked like me. I wanted to walk down the street and have people look because there are 2 moms. Not because they were thinking look at all those adopted children. Everyone we meet thinks they are bio to us. I love that. I know I will get heat for this but that is how I feel.