DO you search for your birth family because you don't APRECIATE YOUR ADOPTED FAMILY?

Question

Do you think that this will make you better or a better person?

DO you think that this will make you less angry or bitter?

What "hole" exactly are you trying to fill?

Why do you think that most adoptees don't have this "hole" and while they may be curious about their birth parents, they don't need to have two families to feel whole?

Do you disrespect adoptees who do not feel the same "need" that you do?

Answer 1

I can't help but wonder when people post questions like this, what their answer would be if someone asked them:



Do your adoptive parents not appreciate YOU enough to support you in your search (if you desire to search)?



Parents are supposed to support their children's emotional needs. There are many things about being a parent that can be emotionally painful or difficult, but a good parent does them ANYWAY if it benefits their child. If an adopted person wishes to search, I cannot imagine any reason why an adoptive parent (or any parent of any child for that matter) would let their emotions stand in the way of allowing their child to discover themselves. It just isn't healthy to stunt your child with your emotional baggage. For example:



You wouldn't keep your child from learning to swim just because you're afraid of water would you? Swimming is healthy, it lets your child challenge themselves, it will help them be like most other kids who know how to swim, it can help them they can enjoy themselves in social settings like the beach and middle school pool parties and it could even save their life. It might be hard for your to watch your child learning and their will be times you are scared for them, but you encourage them and support them because it is good for them and it is being a good parent. Right?!



It is also not good to request a child to "show loyalty". Even subtly, it is manipulative and often results in a child being unable to express their true feelings and makes it easier for people to take advantage of them even into adulthood. It is so much more complicated than "appreciation" or "gratefulness" (*yuck*) and to limit something like knowing one's origins to something so simple as that is not good for folks. And can't you appreciate, like, enjoy, experience more than one or two pieces of art at the same time, two friends, two children, two pieces of music? I can't understand why people equate searching to "loyalty." Allowing your child to know themselves and letting them go so they can grow is one of the most important parts of being a parent. To me, "loyalty" is not the same as "exclusivity" and I wonder how one can be sure of "loyalty" when one refuses to allow the chance of even perceived "loyalty". How do you know if someone really chooses to be with you if you never let them even know anyone else?

Answer 2

I have an adopted sister and I also have an adopted daughter. My sister is from Korea and my daughter is from China. I have spoken with my sister alot about whether or not she feels a desire to search for her birthfamily. She says that honestly she does not. She feels that they did contribute to her genetics but that her adopted family is her true family. That is how she feels, doesn't mean every adoptee will feel that way obviously. My daughter is from China, so unfortunately she has very little chance of ever finding her birth family (in China it is illegal to relinquish a child for adoption, instead children are abandoned with no info on their birthfamilies). I personally would love for my daughter to have the opportunity to find her birth family if she so desires. As her adoptive mom, I would not feel the least bit intimidated by this. She has every right to want to know who gave her life and whether or not she has biological siblings, etc. But I also would not feel that anything was "wrong" with her if she never had that desire. I think either thing can be healthy, depending on the individual person. I think any time someone looks at you and tries to tell you how you "should" feel, they are overstepping their bounds.

Answer 3

Not an adoptee but in reunion just the same. It was a curiosity for my daughter to know more about herself. It had nothing to do with love or respect for her parents. They are still her parents. BUT, she now knows she is part French Canadian Indian, came from a very large family on one side, a small family on the other, she had two half brothers, has my hands and feet, poor girl, her grand mothers nose (which she now likes) and all the medical information to keep her own family as safe and protected as possible.



After 9 years of reunion and the proof that her parents needed to assure themselves that "OUR" daughter wasn't going to pack up and run back to her roots, they agreed to meet both her father and myself, along with her two brothers. Minus her father, we just did this a week ago, and it went so well that we have been invited back. They were just as curious as she was, just as curious as I was. Her sister through adoption is the greatest and her parents are the best. Everyone is in a state of relief now. No one has to wonder or be afraid any more.



My daughter filled the curiosity hole, the medical information hole, and the ancestry hole. She never was angry about being adopted so she can't be less angry about that. It didn't make her a better person, but it did make her a more informed and at peace with herself person.



As far as respecting others who do not feel the same, I'm sure she does, but knows how much peace it gave her, me, her sister, mom, dad, and Aunt R. who lives next door.



Not all reunions turn out the same unfortunately. If they did I personally would like them to all be like mine and my daughters. some parts move slow but when the time is right it all comes together for the betterment of the family. I now have extended family through her parents, not her words, theirs. How wierd is that?



I guess what I'm trying to say is it didn't make her life any better, it enhanced it by having even more than she started with.



Sorry for speaking for another on here but I know my daughter very well, and we have talked about these things, so I do feel comfortable in giving an opinion on it. I hope it helps.

Answer 4

I did not search because I did not appreciate my afamily. I searched because I believed that I and my descendants deserved the truth about my own origins.



I never thought this would make me a better person. I thought it would make me a more informed person. And it has.



I was never angry or bitter.



The "hole" I filled by searching is: I now know my history, I know why I was given away, I know my and my descendants' medical history, I confirmed that my adoption was a stupendous storke of once-in-a-million luck.



I think most adoptee do need to fill their "hole" as you call it. Whether or not they want to admit to it or whether or not they choose to do this for themselves is another matter.



I try not to disregard any one's feelings....adopted or not.

Answer 5

I am helping my friend find her family, so we have spent a lot of time talking about this.

She was in her mid 30's before she had any desire to find her birth parents. She started because she wanted medical history info. She now also believes that being adopted could be 1 of the reasons she has a deep need to have everyone like her. It's not a "hole", but it does influence her behavior. She loves her adopted parents and doesn't wish for anything different, but would like to know if she has siblings or what her parents did with their life.

Answer 6

Q. DO you search for your birth family because you don't APPRECIATE YOUR ADOPTED FAMILY?



A. It's true I don't appreciate my adopted family - anyone who is abused does not appreciate their abusers. But that is not why I search. I search to hear the beginning of my story. There's almost three years of mystery there and I want to solve the mystery. I think this is a pretty natural response to an open end, especially when it is about yourself.





Q. Do you think that this will make you better or a better person?



A. Not at all. I am who I am and always working to be a better person.





Q. DO you think that this will make you less angry or bitter?



A. Sigh. I'm not bitter. I'm bitter about one thing my adoptive parents did to me, but that has nothing to do with adoption. But everyone painting vocal adoptees questioning the system as bitter here at Y!A is beginning to make me angry! The only things that REALLY make me angry are the crimes that adoption agencies have committed in the past and still perpetuate today. These are crimes against children AND parents - the entire triad.





Q. What "hole" exactly are you trying to fill?



A. I'm not trying to fill a "hole" by searching. I just want to hear the beginning of my story. You can call that a hole if you'd like, but I just think that is the human desire for order. I am moving to my birth country so I can experience my culture - the one I have been forced to represent while knowing nothing about it my entire life. THAT is a hole. But that is a unrelated to my birth family search. Adoption is complicated.





Q. Why do you think that most adoptees don't have this "hole" and while they may be curious about their birth parents, they don't need to have two families to feel whole?



A. I can't speak for most adoptees. Despite getting crappy adoptive parents, I never desired searching for my birth parents. I still don't, actually. I don't really want the drama of a second family. I just want to know my story!!! I think being whole is entirely what I do with myself by myself.





Q. Do you disrespect adoptees who do not feel the same "need" that you do?



A. Not at all. Birth family search is an individual prerogative, influenced by a multitude of reasons. Everyone's process is their own.



I disrespect people who choose to turn away from the unpleasant. I disrespect those that chose to do nothing as the atrocities of Darfur occurred, for example. The adoption industry is riddled with problems that have a HUGE impact on the world's most vulnerable children. If even one child is negatively affected by exploitation, abuse, trafficking, maternal coercion, etc., then that is one child too many. We are not doing our job and all efforts should be made to correct the system that allows it. The evidence is there, but it is ignored because it is inconvenient. It is human nature to not indict ourselves as well, but to live in the world and create just societies, sometimes we need to step outside of ourselves and answer the call to a higher mandate. Change starts with us, and it is not for us alone, but because the children are the future. This is something EVERYONE who purports to care for the welfare of children should be concerned about!



I disrespect adoptees that come here with baiting, antagonistic questions trying to polarize the above issues. I disrespect adoptees who are not open to anything but their limited take on the world. But more than having no respect for them, I feel sorry for them because their emotional evolution is stunted.



Nobody has to feel the same way I do. But I shouldn't be maligned for pointing out cracks in the facade, when I'm trying to save the house from collapse.



ETA:

btw, I REALLY appreciate how you've asked thoughtful, probing questions you seem genuinely open to learning from. It's a refreshing from the fare we've been getting lately.

Answer 7

Nope, if someone doesn't want to search, that is completely up to them, and their prerogative. Searching and finding my first family had nothing to do with whether or not I appreciated my adoptive family, and to insinuate that searching adoptees don't appreciate or love their adoptive family is frankly quite insulting.



Your second question, you are purely trying to bait, and I refuse to rise to the occasion.



I'm filling in the puzzle pieces that are missing. I'm not quite sure why you find this to be so objectionable. If you don't feel the need to, fine, kudos. Thats your life.



Most? I don't think your most would match up to the sheer numbers of adoptees involved in registries online and off, search agencies volunteer and otherwise, I often see personal adds from adoptees looking for their families, private detectives.



I don't disrespect people based on a differing opinion. However, if they go about presenting their opinion in a manner that is full of nastiness and veiled and not so veiled insults, whats to respect about that.

Answer 8

I've always wonder about my bio parents since I was about 7 yrs old. But really never took time out to ask my adopted parents where I could start looking Because they adopted me when I had just turned 3 and Ever since I was able to read my adopted book on me I've always wonder about my parents Because my adoptive parents and I never did get along while I was growing up. And even now I think about them wondering what they look like just know my mother is Korean and my father is a soldier(American)

Answer 9

Is your purpose to guilt the adoptees who are searching or who have searched?



My desire to search and finding had nothing to do with my adoptive family. Really, it didn't. My online relationships and translated letters today have nothing to do with my adoptive family. Really, seriously, honestly.



I think this will make me a better person - not better than anyone else, of course - but to do this for MYSELF. So that *I* have the experience, so that *I* can look back upon myself and ask how it affected ME.



"Do you think that this will make you less angry or bitter?"



Wonderful. So since I've searched, found, and plan to go back, that automatically makes me bitter/angry. Thanks for the memo. I see you've been taking a leaf out of OllieO's book. ;)



"Why do you think that most adoptees don't have this "hole" and while they may be curious about their birth parents, they don't need to have two families to feel whole?"



Because they just don't have the interest. It's nothing against them - they're just not curious, and of course I'm not going to "hammer" them about that. Why would I? It's their decision.



"Do you disrespect adoptees who do not feel the same "need" that you do?"



No.

Answer 10

No, I have an awesome adopted family. My search has nothing to do with them. I'm not searching because I'm angry about being adopted because I never have been. I'm not bitter either, by the way. I'm actually a very cheerful person. Surprise!



So what is this hole I seek to fill? It is the knowledge about where I come from and where my kids come from. I started to search initially because my youngest had a very rare speech disorder and the "experts" were baffled by it. Every single one wanted to know her family history and, of course, we could only give them half. Bummer, eh?



Have you every gone back to look at an old yearbook or picture? Have you every retold a funny story from your past? Oh, so you are interested in the past! Everyone has some interest in the past. The past defines who we are NOW, and who we want to be. I search from a place of confidence that I am loved and accepted and not judged by the people in my life. Any information I find, I think, will be a gift to my kids and will make me a better person. I'm not afraid of the truth.

Answer 11

I searched for my birth family because I felt that something was missing in my life. When I say "missing" I mean that I was missing a part of my identity. My adoptive parents treated me wonderfully and no one could ever replace them. They are my parents and I would never change that. I found my birth mother 3 years ago and it was nice being able to acknowledge a lot of differences between us. It made me appreciate my adoptive parents more and realize that I had picked up most of my good and bad habits from my adoptive parents. I don't regret searching because it made me feel good about myself and gave me a different outlook on life.

Answer 12

Lori A did a great job on my behalf, but i thought i would chime in for myself too.



i searched for me. it has nothing to do with my parents. not one thing. in fact-as far as adoption goes, i could want for nothing better. i have the upmost respect and love for what i was given-the same as they gave my sister-their biological daughter.



did it make me a better person? NO. but i am more at peace with myself. i have a huge sense of senenity about where my life is headed.



i have never been angry or bitter. i always knew there was a valid reason i was relinquished, and there was. but that is a story for another day.



the hole i was trying to fill was where my roots were, medical, interests and natural skills. i have children, i feel they are entitled to know where their roots are, just like their friends. i wish i could have had that. i also felt that lori needed me as much as i needed her.



as for others that choose to not search....it surprises me, but who am i to judge? my reunion was the best thing i have ever done for myself. ever. i am mildly surprised when i encounter someone that does not want to search, but i would never disrespect them. when i was first considering looking for lori-i was talking to a 'friend' of mine. when i said i was going the following week to fill out my papers to start, he exploded on me. he bashed me verbally calling me some very ugly names. he said he would never look at me in the same way and he had lost all respect for me.

that conversation shook me. i was shocked at how hostile and cutting he was. especially when i was the only adoptee he had ever known. i was the only link he had to adoption.



i remember that pain and boarderline embarassment i felt. never would i put another through that because we dont agree on what to do with our individual lives.

Answer 13

If I had been adopted I would search for my birth parents, Not because I want to see how much better off I had it, but because they are the two people who's blood and cells met together to make me. I would want to see their faces. I think it is very natural to want to know or see the people who made you.

Yes some adoptees have had bad lives or can't grasp someone just letting go of them, their human, let them be bitter for what they see as a loss. They have that right.

Answer 14

My searching for my family had nothing to do with my (adoptive) family. It had to do with me. Just as marrying my wife and becoming a part of her family wasn't about my (adoptive) family.



I'm not angry or bitter, so I'm not looking to become less angry or bitter.



The "hole" you are so dismissive of is a hole in my history. All adoptees have this hole, whether they feel it or not. (And you still have provided NO evidence that "most adoptees" don't feel this hole.) All adoptees are missing part of their history. Whether they choose to fill in that hole is up to them.



I think the adoptees that don't "feel" this hole have been sold a bill of goods that looking for their (original) family is somehow disrespectful to their (adoptive) family. My (adoptive) family didn't find my searching disrespectful. In as much as they thought about it at all, they encouraged me. I think our society doesn't value human connections, generational wisdom, and family. Thus, it is of little wonder that some in our society believe that searching is of no importance. (Whether these are adoptees or people trying to browbeat adoptees into not searching for their own selfish reasons.)



I respect people for making their own choices. I don't respect people that feel the need to put down others to fill their own empty soul.



ETA: No, I didn't put down adoptees who don't search. It has nothing to do with me if they don't search. It doesn't bother me when adoptees don't search. It does bother me when other people spend so much time on-line putting down adoptees who do search. (See your latest question for an example.)



But every adoptee has a hole in their history. Whether they "feel" such a hole is a different question. But they are missing some of their history, some of their story. Why does that threaten you? It's a simple point. Loss is inherent in adoption. Whether or not someone feels the loss is different. But adoption does not happen unless an adoptee loses a family. That's just a fact. If you don't understand that, then you don't understand what the word "adoption" means.

Answer 15

I would be really...Angry...At first. I would always keep on trying if they kept rejecting me. I would contact a sibling, too. I would do anything just to talk to them in a peaceful manner and try to reason with them, tell them how I felt. I couldn't imagine being in a situation like that. If you are in this situation, I hope the best for you. <3

Answer 16

Medical reasons are a good reason like if you need a new kidney wouldn't you want to find a relative to see if you match. Adopted parents usually have different blood types so it is harder to match the children to the right kidney.

Answer 17

I think my daughter knowing and being a part of their natural families WILL INDEED make them more adjusted and well rounded people. The hole in people is longing to know where and who they came from. I have 2 adopted children and one biological and I am always comparing my daughter to myself and my husband. Mind you we do not do it in front of any of the kids, but we do it in our own discussions. I love seeing myself in my daughter and I WANT for my adopted children to see that same thing in their natural parents. That is human nature...what is it about that that you cannot understand and respect?

Answer 18

I searched BECAUSE I love my adoptive family. To NOT want to know and love my first family would go against everything my adoptive family taught and showed me about love and family.



Better like how? Better than others? No. Better because my story is complete. I now know who I look like, act like, who I get certain traits from, how I react to certain situations, etc.



Ive never been angry or bitter. I dont like unethical or closed or international adoption, because in most cases, there is coercion involved, sometimes even kidnapping, and that is a human rights issue.



The "hole" I was trying to fill can be found 2 paragraphs up. While I adore my adoptive family, I was very different than them. Looks, intellectual capabilities, habits, problem solving- in every way, I was very different. Wasnt BAD, just very different and confusing to me as a young girl.



Meeting and knowing my first family was like being born again. Yes, they were indeed strangers at first (but so were my a parents, all my friends, and spouse, etc) but we are so much alike, it is eerie. We all just clicked when we met, and it was like there was never a separation of 42 years. We look like each other, think like each other, walk, laugh, talk, even stand like each other.



It makes me a better person, because "I get it" now.



No, I do not disrespect them. I question it, because I cannot understand anyone not wanting to know and love EVERYONE. That's my issue. I mean, our parents love more than one child, why is it so hard to believe we can love more than one set of parents, or more than one family? I love my husband's family...my adoptive family understands that, too. I just think people should have enough love for everyone, and should NEVER be made to feel guilty for loving people.



eta***********

Honey, it's ok. I see you are hurting. With your relinquishment of your child, AND your no good cheating husband.



https://answersrip.com/question/index?qid=20071227113726AAfOYg2



When you are ready to search, we'll be here. Your child loves you.

(((it's ok))))))

Answer 19

I'm not sure if this is what you think they are after but what a horrible thing to suggest! Everyone has the right to know where they came from and I'm sure in many cases it has nothing to do with the adoptive parents.

Answer 20

It is sad that love is so conditional in your eyes. Humans have the capacity to love numerous people, excluding some in favour of others is conditional and not how I choose to live my life.

Answer 21

are you really that uneducated?



i searched because i needed to find out where i came from. period.

Answer 22

They don't appreciate anything, being an adoptee makes you ALL DESERVING, didn't you know that? Silly!

Answer 23

searching and appreciation for adoptive parents, are mutually exclusive.



ETA: linny!!! where did you find that question?? OMG! what a hot mess. and she's trying to dictate how others should handle their interpersonal relationships??? perhaps she should hop off line, and deal with her cheating husband (i also love how it's the fault of the "neighborhood sluut"--like her husband was held at gun point and told to "get it up!") ha. thanks for the laugh....

Answer 24

I do NOT search. I am happy with the family God gave me. I do believe that there is an issue of loyalty and respect here and there is nothing wrong with those qualities. Would one say to your spouse "I love you so very much, but I need to go back and find my old lover and my dear I am doing so because I am so very happy with you." That would be preposterous!

Answer 25

Mum? r u me mum?