Who has the right to tell stories about adoption?

Question

Who has the right to tell stories about adoption?

Answer 1

With all due respect to Joe, he left out the natural parents. I think anyone who works in the industry or has been affected by it should talk about it. I especially think natural parents should talk more. For instance, I don't know a single other natural mother, but I know they are out there. I don't think we are respected or represented enough. But I don't think that's the fault of adoptees or adoptors though, I think that our side is just very difficult to talk about and hear about. No one wants to be sad, no one wants to hear sad things, but this is a side of the adoption triangle that needs to be explored more. I'm working on a book myself, but I have spoken to youth groups as well to use my experience as a teaching tool. I think any time that you can take something negative and turn it into a positive for someone else, that is a good thing.

Answer 2

I think that everyone has an opinion and everyone has the right to say "sorry can't help but thanks for the two points". I do read every answer before I answer a question whether it's from the natural mother the aparents / the adoptee...I don't care - I am here trying to learn so that I can help my son!

Answer 3

As soon as we remove a financial benefit...the truth will be more likely to sift to the top.



Even the scholarly research is rejected by those with a financial interest.



Don't know enough about AP's in general to be able to comment on them.

Answer 4

I think the best way to get people to listen is to keep telling the story.On the internet, IRL, however they can get their message across. Eventually, people will realize that their stories have merit.



I think open minded AP's can help, but it is going to be best to hear the story from Adoptees and First Parents. They are the ones that are affected by adoption loss.

Answer 5

I think those who have lived it should be the only ones to talk about it. That does not by any means dispel the adoptive parents. If they are or have lived adoption, whether through being adopted themselves or raising a child then they should be heard. It is the case workers, agency employee's that I believe should not be able to speak of something they have not lived. If they were adopted then fine.



How do we get people to listen? One person at a time. Movies and books can be slanted for sale purposes. I think blog's and oral histories from those who have lived it would tell it best, there's no real money involved.



As far as AP's having a roll, I think yes. If they are open minded enough to speak of the problems and situations that they had to deal with. The effects it had on the child in the beginning and in the end stages, I'd say yes. If all they can say is it's sunshine and rainbows and the best thing that ever happened to me me me then no.



I honestly think that's the only way we are going to make any changes. Getting adoptee's together with first parents and AP's who have a vested interest in what is best for the children, talking openly about the problems, and situations, that contact is healthier for the children and why.



I see it being the only way. Take it back to being about what is best for the children on an individual basis. Each story is different, each child is different.

Answer 6

Anyone involved in adoption has a right to tell their stories.



Problems arise, however, when someone feels they are entitled to dominate two points of the so-called adoption 'triangle' when they are only entitled to answer for one.

Answer 7

Who do i think should have the right?

The adoptee

The adopters

the biological parents

maybe the siblings(adopted and biological) of the adoptee.

Answer 8

I think all the parties of an adoption have the true "right" to talk about adoption. Those people include people who have adopted children, adopted people, birthparents, members of the families where people have been adopted and the siblings of adoptees etc.



The one thing I hate is people who have never been adopted, or adopted anyone, telling me what I should think or feel about adoption in general or my adoption experience specifically. It totally pisses me off!!! If I hear one more time: "Adopted people are special because they are chosen" I'll throw up. What do these people know? They have been watching and reading too many after school specials and greeting cards.



I think a lot of research is twisted to reflect the researchers point of view. I think movies and television shows about how adoptees feel as they go about their lives would be helpful. And I am not talking about a documentary about adoption. I'm sick of being "different." Just show us as people moving through life coping with everyday problems like anybody else. It's just that we happen to be adopted! There's too much mystery about adoption. It's a pain in the @XX!

Answer 9

All parties have some rights but I personally only listen to the natural parents, the children that were adopted, and the organizations that are unbiased like Unicef.



Im still amazed by the people profiting off adoption both financially and physically(they got themselves a baby) that ignore them because it goes against their personal agendas. Its evidence that they do not care about a childs best interest.



More adoptees and natural mothers need to speak out and tell the truth. More protests to bring attention and awareness. More books and articles need to be written and published. Unfortunately in many international countries this could lead to death or emotional harm by people that want to keep them quiet or look at them like they are a disgrace for having a child out of wedlock.



I think more protests should be done at the private adoption agencies just like the anti pro choice groups do at abortion clinics.

Answer 10

Though I do believe the media is completely overrun with the puppies-and-roses side of adoption and the AP's and agencies are FAR over-represented publicly, I don't think their experiences should be shut out entirely.



I think we need to make things more equal. Even the f-parents of the world get more 'airtime' (for lack of better word) than the adoptees themselves. (Though they are still overshadowed by countless happy AP's)



The problem is that the general public not directly affected by adoption sees the story of the sad couple unable to have kids who are blessed by a child they adopt. End of story, everyone's happy.



What they don't see is the 18 years afterwords. And to be honest with you, I blame the AGENCIES more than I blame the AP's. When I look around this board, I get more and more impressed with the amount of adoptive parents who are willing to listen. And I commend them. I appreciate them. I wish my dad and his entire side of the family was as intelligent and open-minded as they are.



But more and more now, the negative side of adoption is being exposed... It's happening little by little, but it IS happening. If we're talking about changing the main-stream frame of mind, then books and blogs aren't really going to help... if you take a look around the internet, there are already so many of those, and while they are slowly chipping away at the rainbows-and-butterflies opinions of people who are ACTIVELY trying to re-educate themselves, they don't really do much for people who already have their opinions and aren't seeking to change them.



I think main-stream media is the way to go. Newspapers and Television Shows are the best way to reach the general population because it's something most of the general pop willingly exposes themselves to almost daily.



Get the stories out there... both the good AND the bad. Present a fair and even story that represents all THREE sides of the spectrum.



And obviously open-minded AP's have a role to play in this. They are every part of the adoption oval. They have very real experiences, fears, and disappointments to express as the f-moms and adoptees.



I hate the adoption industry. I do NOT believe that the agencies and their employees have ANY right to speak for ANYone other than themselves. I hate that they feel they have the right to censor myself and my friends. They're involved in a BUSINESS.



This is LIFE for the rest of us.





ETA: To Blahsbla----- The reason babies are different is because they are BABIES. NOT products to be bought and sold. How completely ridiculous is it to treat human beings like a used couch or produce?!



Can a person agree to sell a house before they ever bought it? Can they agree to sell their car before they've purchased it? Then why would it make sense that a woman could relinquish her child before she ever gives birth to it?!



I'd also like to add that the reason I don't really believe that the agencies should be able to put THEIR stories out there is because they are, in fact, a business. Once that child is placed, THEIR end of the story is finished. So sure, let the social workers speak, but their opinions and stories should end as soon as that child is officially adopted.



I also believe that their attempts to censor ADOPTEES and first-parents should be considered a forfeit to equal representation as the rest of the "triad." Shutting up people who have had bad experiences just so that you can be heard more loudly is beyond unfair, and therefor they should feel what it's like to be unfairly silenced for a while.

Answer 11

All sides of the triangle need to be heard.



Closed adoptions do need to be looked at seriously and now rather than in ten years time. There are so many things that still need changing... No its not all rainbows and butterflies but it's not all bad either. (The good does need to be highlighted too.)



I can't speak for another country, but I know adoption is in the media here because of AP's adoptee's and Bmothers/dad's wanting more reform like open records and education on raising adopted children. And its happening. Its a start at least.

Answer 12

I think everyone should have a say.



I think that the amount of experience they have, and the amount of research they've done, should be taken into account. (For instance, a first mother, or an adoptee, who has done their research and understands the issues involved, takes top priority on my "who to listen to" list.)



I do believe that AP's, and even agencies, have a role to play in this. A HUGE role. Right now, these are the folks that most people listen to. I think more responsibility should be placed on the people who gain from adoption to not only understand the issues, but to speak LOUDLY about them. I think that AP's and agency workers should be on the front lines fighting for adoptee's rights, family preservation, awareness of the issues, making reunion easier (that question about the reunion registries not hooking up families who are all registered REALLY got my goat...who the hell do they think they are? We need to do something, NOW!). I think that the bulk of the responsibility should be falling on the shoulders of AP's and adoption agency workers. I find it deplorable that we (as a society) have silenced adoptees and first parents, then kicked them while they're down, and NOW, they bear the brunt of fighting for their own rights, screaming to get their voices heard, climbing over mountains of people whose sole purpose is keeping them "in their place". We all need to be learning about these issues, and lending our voices to this cause. It affects all of us.

Answer 13

Best adoption story to tell your children: their own. Talking about other people's adoptions is fine, but to compare stories isn't necessarily helpful or wise. The only 'story' a child truly cares about is his or her own. Be honest and truthful...that's the most Christian thing you can do for your kids.

Answer 14

I think perhaps it is the lack of open mindedness in the adoptees and bio-parents who have had bad experiences as a result of the adoption process.



I am an adoptee and I although I have had abandonment issues in the past, I worked through them. I have never, ever had anyone tell me those issues were my imagination or anything like that. All the people involved in adoption have acknowledged those feelings as valid.



The people who have ridiculed me have mainly been adoptees who are still working through their issues. I get a lot of comments like, "You are in denial about your pain" and "There is no such thing as a -happy- adoption experience" just because I have had a good one.



So I think if adoptees from both sides could be more open about that fact that there are BAD and GOOD experiences that come from adoption (just like keeping a child), that we would move farther along in the adoption reform.

Answer 15

I will listen to anyone who has a role -- an actual one -- in adoption. For me, that even includes adoption social workers, both in state and private situations. I'm not really fond of attorneys and I don't usually spend much time listening to them -- just enough to get the basic 'flavor' of their position.



The one group that drives me ABSOLUTELY BATTY BEYOND BELIEF is the group of people who show up and say, "I know 'x' number of people who are adopted and they feel [fill in the blank]." or "my cousin is adopted and s/he is super happy about it, so adoption is *obviously* a good thing."



HOW do they EFFING know what someone else feels? Even if an adoptee (or anyone else) has TOLD this group -- or a member thereof -- how they feel, that certainly doesn't mean they know the WHOLE EXPERIENCE of adoption from the inside.



I could certainly be quoted as having said that I was "happy as a clam" about adoption -- if you go WAAAAY back into my early life. I'd hate to think that people who KNEW me 20-30 years ago are claiming to 'know' that adoption is rainbow droppings and unicorn farts because of ME.



There are also many people who KNOW me now with whom I have spoken for no more than a few minutes about adoption -- like, just long enough that they know I am adopted. If THEY were to claim I was happy about being adopted because I am (believe it or not) a GENERALLY happy person, they would be SORELY mistaken.



The most atrocious offenders are the ones who know a "happy" adoptee who is 3 or 7 or 10 years old. OF COURSE that adoptee is going to seem happy. They're trying to keep the status quo. They don't want to "upset the apple cart" or "rock the boat" by letting it show that they are hurt, upset, or concerned in any way.



When I'm talking about people who KNOW (but don't REALLY know) adoptees, I'm not talking about the adoptive parents. Adoptive parents live adoption every day just like (and with) their adopted children. I'm talking about cousins, neighbors, that lady at church, etc. not people in the same house. Open-minded, self-educating APs and PAPs who are taking a look at adoption from every possible angle (that they can) are some of my favorite people and I believe that they can have one of the STRONGEST united voices in adoption reform BECAUSE society at large is so willing to listen to them already. With open-minded PAPs and APs in favor of ethical practices, open records, etc. there will come a time when the "adoption machine" will HAVE to change because there will be nobody left who they (the adoption machine, as in 'industry') can claim is being served by the secrecy and lies. I hope I live that long. There are many now. I will be completely at peace when it is ALL adoptive parents.



We adoptees and our natural moms are getting there. Like another poster said, and I agree, it's about telling the story over and over; getting it 'out there' as much as possible; and having patience while the rest of the world "comes around".

Answer 16

I think everyone and anyone who has gone through the adoption process has a right to speak on the subject. They have the experience they've gone through, whether they are adoptees, adopters, social workers or even a foster parent who may have been involved in some way.



But when listening to other people's stories you have to concider who is telling it and how THEY see it, becuase many times the parents who lost their child will try to put blame on the 'system' or circumstances in their lives for losing their child when many of the times the parents just were not doing their job as a parent and then later on in life come to the realization of what they've done. Whereas, a child may have his own point of view (if old enough) about the things that happened and what he understood at the time. It's a huge amount of work that does require scholarly reserach, trained professionals, and the stories of all who were involved in order to get the TRUTH out of any case.



But I truly think that the most credible stories will have to be from the people who lived it, the parents, children(adoptees), social workers, foster parents, and siblings because it's their story and only they can tell you what happened for sure.

Answer 17

Everyone has a right to tell their story. Good experiences, bad experiences, it is all part of the human experience. Some people may not want all the bad stories out there to scare off potential AP, but any decent AP is going to spend a lot of time researching every possible scenario while they sit on the waiting list.

Answer 18

Really? because I feel it is the other way around, especially on here.



Someone gives a positive adoption story (god forbid!) or someone gives their opinion on adopting an infant and people are on them like flies on feces.



I personally have never met closed minded APs in my life that thought their crap doesn't stink.

Answer 19

any who are involved in adoption. it does not matter what their story is. all should be respectful towards it.

Answer 20

sometimes, they don't even want to hear the stories of adoptees who don't fall into the damaged catagory wishing they had reunion. people come here seeking support and validation for their feelings -- they forget this is not a support group but a q & a forum -- but there are several support groups available online and IRL.



Please, there's not one person that honestly looks at all the answers and takes them in -- they usually just look at the name, don't read the answer and thumbs down it because they know that person may be on the "other side" . . .

Answer 21

Get people to actually care?

Beware, though. If you demonize the adoption agencies, it'll just mean more women at the abortion clinics.

The standard adoption myth is that if you forgo the evils of abortion and 'save' your baby without actually having to sacrifice your own life (livelihood or career) your baby will go on to be happy with another family who is unable to create their own child.

Put it this way. A woman goes to the agencies and says "I will give you my baby, please put time and effort into finding a home for it."

The agency then finds a family and promises them a baby. They're happy, and the agency is (rightfully) paid for their time and work. Then the woman suddenly pulls out of the agreement, leaving the adopters and the agency high and dry.

If the agreed upon item was anything other than a baby, the mother would be seen as rude and unprofessional, and the item would be removed from her possession as per the contract or agreement she made. Why are babies different?

Answer 22

People who have adopted, worked in adoption, researching adoption and people who were adopted.