Should we tell our son that his father is adopted?

Question

My husband and his sister were both adopted when they were babies. Now we are 30 weeks pregnant with our first child, a boy. A few days ago his parents invited us over for dinner. They asked us if we wouldn't tell our child that my husband was adopted, because they feared that since my parents are biological, our child would love them more.
Now, I am 99% sure that i am still going to tell our son that his father is adopted, and so is my husband. It's simply not right to lie to him his entire life. And besides, there are ways he could find out. My husbands sister has a 5 year old son that knows she was adopted (perhaps because the father is not in the picture) and im sure he would tell his cousin at some point, or let it slip.
I do understand where there coming from, but i do think its a bit paranoid that they don't think he'd love them as much. After all, my husband loves his parents. Even though there not biological, there still his parents. Why would our son think any differently?
As i stated before, im pretty set on telling our son the truth, I just wanted some opinions on the situation, or some advice if anyone has gone through this at all.

Answer 1

Hi Tori,



You're right - Of course you should tell the truth about that to your son. It is never right to lie to someone about their identity, and make them think they are related by blood when they really are not. Just like it's wrong for AP's to lie to their own children & make them think they are biologically related when they are not, it's wrong for grandparents to do that too. If effects your son's medical information, ethnicity, family tree, etc. Your in-laws are selfishly only thinking of themselves, not the rights of your son, and that is disgraceful. He has a right to know how he is related to every member of the family, whether they be natural relatives, adoptive relatives, or step-relatives. Family information equally belongs to everyone in the family.



If I were you, I would have a discussion with your in-laws that you do intend to be honest with your son. Sorry if they do not understand. Tell them they have no reason to feel insecure or jealous. If they are good to your children, the children will love them anyways. Point out how your husband still loves them even though they are not biologically related. Good luck,



julie j

reunited adult adoptee

Answer 2

What's the difference if you tell your child or not? I was raised just knowing this kind of stuff (not like my dad being adopted), but just how my grandma escaped Austria on the Kindertransport, or how my uncle moved into the middle of the woods because he thought the world was going to end. I don't know even how old I was when I was told this but I just always new this as like a part of family history. When your child gets older, knowing his father is adopted won't change his life. He won't write a paper for school about how he is depressed that his father is adopted. You don't need to sit him down and have a long talk with him about this. Just let him grow up knowing information like this.

Answer 3

I'm 13 and when I was in 4th grade my mom told me, my brother (6th grade) and my sister (2nd grade) that she and her 5 siblings were adopted. I mean, at first, yeah, I was confused and upset. I didn't understand why someone wouldn't want to keep her. She told me that being adopted wasn't a bad thing. That her biological mom didn't hate her but knew that she could have a better life. This helped me understand. She told me that she likes the fact that she was adopted because her parents picked her out of all the other kids. Since she told me the way I feel about my grandparents hasn't changed. It makes me love them even more knowing that they took on the responsibility of raising six kids when they didn't have to. If I were you though, I would wait until your son was old enough to understand.

Answer 4

I think you should tell your son because if you don't and he finds out it'll seem like something shameful when there is nothing shameful about adoption. I can also tell you that finding out his father is adopted will not make him love your parents more than your husband's. As long as your husband's parents are wonderful grandparents he won't love them any less

Answer 5

Why would you want to lie about that? My mother in law is adopted, and she thinks of her adoptive parents as her 'real' parents. They were there for all of the major things in her life. So why would that change how your son would feel about his grandparents? There is NO shame in being adopted. Tell your son when it's the right time.

Answer 6

I do not think your son would "suffer" or "discriminate" on this basis. He is not directly affected by this adoption. He won't even care.



A family secret is very damaging, no matter what that secret is (even keeping secret -- for the sake of argument -- that his granddad has been in prison is damaging). In your case, keeping this secret is absolutely unnecessary.



If your husband's so-called "parents" are scared to be less loved for not being blood relatives, they should have thought of this before they embarked into adoption. Adoption is not just for here and now it is forever.

Answer 7

Lies (including lies of omission) have a way of getting out. Do you want to be the one to tell your child the truth? Or would you like someone else to (perhaps in a far less kind way)?

Your husband being adopted is not a dirty, shameful secret. His adoptive parents should know better. This is THEIR insecurity, and it need not go any further.

They are being paranoid. My 3 children (siblings adopted together) ADORE my stepfather. No one compares to him, not even my husband's father (bio). And they have never even met my father. Relationships are what you make of them.

Best of luck to you.

Answer 8

I agree with the PPs. You definitely don't want to lie to your child. I don't know that you need to tell him when he's 3 years old or anything, but I'm sure it'll come up one day. By that point, he'll already be attached to your in-laws, and it won't matter that they aren't his biological grandparents.



Heck my biological grandfather was an abusive alcoholic, and my grandmother divorced him while my mom was still a child. My grandfather was never that man, although I knew who he was. My grandfather was always the man my grandmother married, and I never thought it was "weird" that we weren't blood related. It didn't even enter my head.



My father-in-law is not my husband's biological father (who was also a jerkface). I don't care. He's a cool guy, and he'll still be my father-in-law, not my step-father-in-law or "guy married to my husband's mother."

Answer 9

I think your doing the right thing by wanting to be truthful. The worst thing that could happen is there be a stigma around adoption, it gets enough bad press as it is. I want my child to be open minded and I'm sure you want the same for yours. So forget the in-laws, a child shows love to people who love them not their blood relations.

Answer 10

It is your choice, not your in-laws. I don't see the big deal of telling him he is adopted. I am adopted and I am way closer to my adoptive family than my biological family, and i don't love one more than the other. They are both my family, I don't see the big deal.

Answer 11

You do what you feel right which is to tell your child the truth. It is wrong for your in-laws to expect you both to keep this a secret. It doean't make the relationship any different so it would be wrong to lie. It would be so easy for your child to find out the truth eventually which is why you need to be honest like you want to be.

Answer 12

You husband loves his parents are parents, Right? Well they don't have to worry because that'll transfer through to the kid just as strong.

I've seen kids who love parent's friends as "grandma xyz" just as if they were related.

Answer 13

If the adopted parents raised him I wouldnt say anything until hes a teen. It really wont matter if his parents treat your kid good.