I just found my baby again, what can I do?

Question

I have a 13 year old son that I was forced to put up for adoption when he was born.
It was supposed to be an open adoption, but the adoptive mother only kept her promise for so long.
All I ever wanted from her was a photo and a few sentences saying that my son was alive and well. I never requested anything more.
I didn't hear anything at all from her for over 3 years now. She completely cut off all contact with no explanation. I just about gave up...I thought I would never know anything about my son until he became an adult and hopefully tried to search for me (or I tried to).
Randomly, I have been conducting my own searches via the internet in hopes that I would stumble upon his name and know that he is indeed okay.
Tonight was my lucky night. I found him. I also found out a few new things I was unaware of. The adoptive mother got remarried and changed my son's last name. I am 100% sure that it is him and our open adoption contract stated that she has to inform me of any name changes, address changes, etc.
I guess the contract doesn't really matter now anyway because she hasn't stuck by anything in there. Well, I can't contain my excitement and relief that I finally know that he is okay! I literally wept with joy.
I just don't know what to do next? Now that I have tracked them down, do I write to them and politely request a photo? I want to see what he looks like, how much he has grown, etc.
At the same time, I don't want to seem like a crazy obsessed stalker. They would have contacted me if they had wanted to right? But maybe only the adoptive mother doesn't want any contact and he does?
I don't know what to think or do...any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

Answer 1

I am so sorry your son's adoptive parents could not do the right thing and stay true to their word. How despicable.



Can you have an attorney send her a letter stating she signed a contract to keep it open? Do you think that would help?

Try some of these links. There may be some valuable advice from other first Moms.



http://www.cubirthparents.org

http://www.motherhelp.info/index.htm

http://www.exiledmothers.com





Im sure more first Moms will chime in with some advice, and I wish you well. It always boggles my mind when adoptive parents do this. Their child will find out- then what? It would have broken my heart if my adoptive mother had done that.

Answer 2

Unfortunately, the form that you signed is all for show, there is no legal foundation to hold the adoptive parents to it. I'm sorry, I know that isn't what you want to hear, but it is the truth. I am also sorry that she has not kept to her end of bargain, you deserve better. I also wonder if the correspondence was supposed to go through the agency/attorney...if it was, then they are aware that they have violated their agreement and they just choose to overlook it. No big surprise there either.



You have every right to know that your son is alive and well and thriving. If it were me, I would totally write a pretty matter of fact letter reminding the woman that when you were so kind as to allow her to raise your son, you also made it contingent upon her acceptance of continuing contact in the form of annual pics and letters. Remind her that this is what will be in the best interest of your child and that one day he will find out that her promise to you was broken. I don't think that will make her day and hopefully it will give her the kick in the pants she needs to do the right thing.



The only thing I would really ask you not to do it contact your son and explain the situation at this point. You have to realize that sometimes adoptive parents close adoptions because they have no intentions of telling the child that they are adopted. If this is the case, you don"t want your son finding out from someone he never knew existed via an email.



No matter how you go about it I wish you all the luck in the world!

Answer 3

i like your additional details i feel the same way a lot, since she agreed to an open adoption then you deserve photos and a letter about your son, that's your right, my parents adopted a 13 month old baby now she's 8 and a holy terror but that because of the way they raise her, any way her mom was a teenager and she didn't have a choice mom and dad agreed to an open adoption but then had their lawyer draw up separate papers so she could only see her at her sports events or school events, etc, but she can take pictures and stuff, though they did tell her finally that she is adopted don't think they have told her by who yet, so maybe you can get something like that, ask her if you can go to his football games, or soccer or what ever he does, actually they are public places so they can't keep you out as my parents lawyer said about the biological mother in their case. good luck

Answer 4

I am having a boy and that's exactly what we wanted. But before the Tech said what it was I was really dreading her saying it was a girl. There's nothing wrong with it. Like you said we just get attached to the idea that we know what we're having and it is a bit of a disappointment to find out you were wrong. I hope you get your girl but I'm sure you'll love a boy just the same.

Answer 5

From what I understand, and unless the rules have changed, "open adoptions" are not enforceable so I don't believe there is anything legally that can be done. Yes, it's a contract but from what many others have said here (the regulars, not the people just passing through or answering because your question comes up in the general list on the first page of YA) there is not much you can do about the "openness" of things. If this is in fact the child you placed for adoption you can try a letter to the adoptive parents but if they choose not to respond or respond telling you not to contact them again I don't believe you have much recourse. The links to some of the previous questions on this subject may be of assistance to you

Answer 6

I hardly think writing a polite letter asking for an update and photo makes you seem like an "obsessed stalker." That seems like a pretty reasonable request to me, especially when we're talking about your own flesh and blood here. I actually think you would be well within the realm of the acceptable to ask for phone calls or visits with him, if you're comfortable making that request.



Open adoption agreements can't be legally enforced (unless you happen to live in Oregon; there you have a shot) but you have every right to contact the adoptive mother. It's not inappropriate at all to care about the well-being of your son.



I hope you're able to reestablish contact. Good luck.

Answer 7

Nothing can hurt by you writing. You did nothing wrong. If the adoptive mother gets upset, it is simply because she still has to face that she didn't fulfill her obligation. If, as you say, there is an agreement in place, she has a moral obligation to honor it.

Answer 8

i think you should send them a letter. when was the last time you contacted them? (not them contacting you) i send updates to my sons natural mom every now and again. i wonder sometimes if she is really all that interested in them though, because she never calls or writes to see how he is doing. she hasn't made any effort to stay in touch at all. so maybe they are feeling the same way we are, and wondering if you were still interested in getting the updates and what not if you haven't really had any contact with them other than the received updates.

Answer 9

Did you go through an ageny or a lawyer? If so I would contact them and tell them what is going and that you would like to still recieve letters and photos. If not, what is the harm in writing a letter to them? Nothing in my book. I think that it will show your son that yes, one day when he wants to have contact with you that you tried to keep informed of him and his conditions.



If they don't reciprocate with anything wait 5 years and then contact him not the parents.



I think it is just mean of some AP's that don't keep their words even if they were only verbal and not written. I fully intent to keep my son's first mom in the loop. When I do pictures (which is frequently!) I do an extra one and have a folder in my desk to put them in there. I sent them to her every couple of months with just little tids of what is going on with him.



That is what she wanted and I can't imagine of depriving of her that.

Answer 10

I don't think that sending a politely worded letter is too much. I sincerely hope that the adoptive parents will help re-establish contact and I think it's deplorable that they didn't keep their word.



Best of luck to you.

Answer 11

They're supposed to be following the rules. You can try to request info again and add that you don't want to have to bring lawyers into the matter, because she's not abiding by the laws.

In another respect place yourself in their situation. How would you react? Also, they may not have told him that he's adopted and may be scared you may try to find him and tell him first. That may freak him out. They could at least give you SOMETHING! Glad you found him! Hope this helped.

Answer 12

I don't think sending a polite letter is going to do you any good. It's not like she forgot to inform you. This is a deliberate attempt to keep him away from you and opened adoptions aren't enforceable.



Email me. I have some suggestions.

Answer 13

If you want to keep tabs on him, send an unmarked letter to her explaining the situation to her. If she doesn't want you to contact him (while he's under 18), that's her perogative. Once he is 18, I would feel more comfortable pursuing a mother-son or friend relationship with him as an individual without his mom.

Answer 14

My advice to you would be go with your heart. I am an adopted child and I wish my adopted mother would've been as interested in me as you are your son. If you do contact him, and he doesn't want anything to do with you, at least you can say you tried. You never know what she has told him, maybe she has lied to him. I know that my feelings towards my biological mother were anger, just try to be understanding and truthful if you do decide to contact them. I wish you luck =]

Answer 15

I know it must be hard for you, thinking about the 'what-ifs' and wishing you had been able to keep the baby. And it would have been so wonderful if she had felt comfortable sending you an occasional picture and a little information about him. But with a 13 year old son, I can assure you that the adoptive mother doesn't need any additional stress from you trying to make contact. She has chosen not to maintain contact, and you have to trust that she is making the right decision for her life, and that of the child that you put up for adoption. Remember he is 13, and so no matter what his wishes are, he will need to abide by his adoptive mother's choices. He may not even be aware that he is adopted, and it is not your place call, or send anything that might alert him to that information. So unless you have moved, changed your name, or become otherwise hard to find, you need to accept her decision of no contact until he is an adult.

Answer 16

you have an open adoption. its your RIGHT. i am thinking maybe your son doesn't know he is adopted, i cant help but think that. i would send her a letter, and if she doesnt reply, take some action!

Answer 17

who would be a stupid lady to send her to a foster parent....

u parents...

are a disgust...

whay i mean like

omg....

Answer 18

Hire a lawyer and get your kid back. With what you say is true, you should get your kid back. That's if you really want him. No one is forced to give up a kid, it's a decision. Not to be cruel, but he is now 13 and it's taking this long for you to want him back? I think the kid would know best at this point.