Is adoption wrong, would I be doing the right thing?

Question

Alright, well I accidentally got my girlfriend pregnant, I am a college student who has three years left and lack the financial resources to raise a child. I absolutely do not have the time mixing school with work to support my self to give this child the father he deserves. The mother lacks the time and income to raise the child as well. I feel like a piece of **** even considering adopting my child out, but when i look at it it almost seems like my child would have a better life with a family who wants a child and has the time and income for one. I know I made a big mistake and I know im responsible, and thats what I am trying to be, if I cannot provide the best for my child and wont be able to for a few years, is this a reason that would be right? I cant believe that I am actually considering this and it will be extremely hard for me to do emotionally, but its about my child, not me. I dont want to bring my mistake to ruin my childs life, I just cant allow that to happen. I know and grew up with kids who were adopted and they are fine and have great lives, love their adoptive parents, and are doing well. I would be considering an open adoption in this case because i can not leave my kid straight up, that seems like itd be to hard. Please give me your intelligent honest input, I dont want any angry mothers bashing me, I am in NO way trying to hurt my child. I just feel that we are not capable of providing him the life he deserves, also I am not staying with the mother which would make it worse for my kid i think, we are just not working out. So basically I want my child to have the best life possible and cannot live knowing he had otherwise.

Answer 1

DO NOT GIVE THE BABY FOR ADOPTION!!!



just imagine for a while if you were betrayed by your parents when you were born and be given to some strangers only to teach you the lie that they are your parents,how would you feel?



Adoption could be one of the greatest injustices that can be done to a human being.



You have been gifted with a child and not all couples are lucky enough to get children.



This baby is entrusted to you and how can you betray that trust?



As he grows older he will always have a bad feeling about you and will never respect you.



Giving the baby for adoption is just escaping from your responsibility of being a man.



Be like a man and work hard to give the baby what he deserves.



And remember love of natural bonds cannot be substituted.



They cannot love your baby as you would and you would always feel guilty having done that and one



fine day you would be on antidepresants.



Be humane and dont give up your responsibility.



Take care

Answer 2

I think what you say makes a lot of sense. Of course you haven't mentioned how your girlfriends feels. I am an adoptive mother. My daughter is healthy and happy and very much loved. Her first father didn't stick around to help decide about her future, but I think her first mom made an informed decision based on her own situation. In an ideal world every pregnancy would be wanted, but that doesn't happen. I think it can be the best decision for the child and the first parents to choose adoption.



With open adoption I recommend you get to know the adoptive family a bit before deciding. Also make sure you have all the identifying information (full names etc) - not just letters sent through an agency. Sadly some adoptive parents decide not to honor open adoption arrangements, but many do. In our case we are able to contact each other, but since the first mom prefers no contact we have not seen her since the birth. All the best to you.

Answer 3

I think you're very mature for thinking of your child's needs first. I do believe that some children are best being adopted, when parents are simply unable to care for them. I will probably get a zillion thumbs down for this, but sometimes, you have to consider it. If you guys drop out of college and get low paying jobs and keep your child, it's admirable, yes. But what kind of life will you ever have? What kind of life can you give your child? People like to argue that money isn't everything, and you shouldn't base the decision to give up your child on financial consstraints, but in real life, being broke and stressed with a baby can make you NOT be a good parent. Not saying it doesn't work, but I believe each person (or couple) should be entitled to make their own decision without judgement or criticism. You should talk things over long and hard with your girlfriend and you guys decide what you feel is best for you and your child. That is a decision no one can make but you. Best of luck, whatever you decide.

Answer 4

Adoption is an option to be considered if you both really do not want to parent or are unable to parent. If the only reason you are considering adoption is because of money, you might want to re-think that.



Otherwise, before you both make any decision, make sure you really know all of your options. Make sure you know your legal rights. Make sure you know exactly how the process works, including the fact that open adoption isn't legally enforced and that adoption means that the child's original birth certificate is sealed (the one with your names on it) and a new birth certificate is issued with the adoptive parents' names.



I don't tell people whether or not adoption is the right thing for them. I don't believe adoption is inherently wrong, but I don't think it's the only good solution for an unplanned pregnancy either. Just be informed and then make a decision.

Answer 5

Personally I do not believe adoption is wrong if both parents truly want to relinquish the child and are not forced in any way. If you and the mother BOTH want to place the child for adoption...then that's your answer. I know a lot of people will tell you that your child will grow feeling abandoned and lost and that adoptive parents cannot love your child like you can. I don't agree with this.



I was adopted at birth. My parents were teenagers who wanted to go off to college and did not want to be parents. They were just good kids who found themselves in a difficult situation and they made what they felt was the best decision for me and for them. They were not coerced in anyway to place me for adoption and they knew all their options and what assistance was available to them and they decided they wanted to place me for adoption after carefully considering all their options.



I never felt abandoned or unwanted and I have always been very bonded with my adoptive parents. I always just felt that adoption was the method by how I came to be with my family.



I was never interested in searching for my birth parents but when my birth mother found me I met her so she would have a sense of closure and know I had grown up well and loved. I thanked her for placing me for adoption and she told me she was relieved to know I had grown up happy and secure.



Unfortunately some people let adoption define themselves. Personally, if I were to describe myself...I'd list being a mother, a lover, a friend, a daughter, a social worker and a caring person before I'd list being adopted. Being adopted is just one of the things about me...but by no means the most important one.



Bottom line, as long as you and the mother decide together what future path you want to take and you feel it's for the best then you'll be fine. If you're both feeling unsure then talk with a family member, a close friend or a counselor (most colleges have free counseling available for students) so you can be sure of your decision. Good luck to you both.

Answer 6

Wow... so many opinions. There was one interesting one... saying what happens when you graduate and get a good job, etc. Well, what happens when you need to study, can't because your child is sick and needs you? Say you fail a big exam and end up not finishing college?



Parenting a child will change your life forever. You will always be busy; you will get little sleep; "me" time is now history.



Don't get me wrong - to parent your child- IT'S ALL WORTH IT. But, the road will be tough. You'll get stressed out beyond belief... but there is no better reward than parenting a child.



There are many places that can help you - moreso than the common middle class person. Trust me.



Try not to find the EASY WAY OUT. Do what's in your heart. Really think. What does your heart tell you - not your brain...

Answer 7

First, adoption is not wrong at all. It is an answer for those who cannot for whatever reason, raise a child, and it is an answer for those who cannot have children. It isn't the perfect situation and the entire family will have issues to work through as the child grows older, but it gives the child a chance for a better life.



That said, there are resources that you can tap that will help you and the mom if you want to keep your child. It is a temporary situation and may be a struggle at first but with the both of you working together, you might be able to pull through.



In the interest of full disclosure, I am a waiting adoptive parent, so I am not unbiased. The adoption agency that I work through takes care of the mother while she is pregnant and works with both birth parents to find resources to help them keep the child, so I know it's possible. About 60% of the people who are pregnant who come to them keep the baby and the rest are very sure about adoption if that's what they choose, and it is always open. It is true that open adoption is not legally enforceable, there is a lot of trust involved for both sides and the fact is, the birth parents are usually the ones who disappear and won't contact the child despite the stories in the news. You can make sure that that doesn't happen.



It is ultimately up to the mom though. If she doesn't want to raise the child then you can, but if she wants to keep it even if you don't think she should, you don't have a say about it.



I would do some thorough research, try to wade through the biased rhetoric of both the people who are against adoption and those who are for it. We who want to adopt are not monsters like we are made out to be. But talk to adoptees, agencies, birth parents. There are some great books and documentaries out there, people sharing their stories, some good some bad. If you do choose adoption make sure it is open, and do your best to make sure that you are working with a reputable agency and trustworthy adoptive parents.



Have a serious discussion with your girlfriend because it is her choice.



Whatever you decide, good luck to you both, and your child.

Answer 8

Ryan I totally understand. I approve of adoption because i know that there is as many good adoptive parents out there as there are biological parents as well as bad. I do get upset with teens who bring their kids up but don't REALLY parent them. It takes a lot more than change your babies diaper and feed them and hug them everynight when they are babies. Anyway, if a teen or couple do not feel ready to be parents, then there is nothing wrong with adopting. If they truly feel they CAN raise this child and give it what it needs to have a good successful future then , raise it. But you and the mom have to choose "together" what the best thing to do is. If you and the mom decide to give your baby up for adoption, please email me, I have been waiting to adopt. My daughter is now a senior in high school and I am no longer able to have children. I will then give you my facebook and you can see the large wonderful family we have and would love to make your baby part of it. I have completed college and have a good secure job.

Answer 9

Dear Ryan and the Babies Momma,



It sounds like you are both under a great deal of stress. And I understand that you are in a lifechanging moment.



My husband and I are trying to adopt a baby. I went to college and he was in the US Marine Corp. We are a loving, Christian couple. We meet at work ( a little workplace romance). We have been married for 5 years and It is very unlikly that I will be able to get pregnant. Grandma (my husbands mom) Was adopted and has given us a wealth of knowledge about how to raise a happy adopted baby. She was adopted as a older waiting child. If you are interested in learning more about us we could exchange facebook or myspace info.



No matter what decisions you and your babies Momma face. Please consider talking to a counselor. Parenting, Adoption and Pregancy are very stressful events in a persons life. No matter what decisions you make. It will be nice for you to be able to have a professional opinion and guidance,

Answer 10

First off it's not your decision to make. You can prevent an adoption of your child by asserting your parental rights but you can't choose it yourself without her agreement.



If she chooses to keep and raise the baby, you are legally obligated to pay child support. And morally obligated to step up and be the best father you can. Whether you stay with the mother or not is between the two of you. You can try to be civil to each other and discuss how you can both be good parents. There is no guarantee that giving away your child will give them a better life than you could.



"Open adoption" in terms of contact with the biological parents and the adopted child is not legally enforceable for all practical purposes and can be ended by the adoptive parents at any time they choose. When you sign off on adoption you are terminating your rights as a parent and legally have no relationship to your offspring. Don't take my word for this; you can look it up yourself.



The simple truth is that there is no guarantee you or the mother will ever see your child again after it is adopted.



Think about it.

Answer 11

Hello!



I was adopted as a newborn 21 years ago. My birth father ran out on my birth mother when she was 3 months pregnant. She had grown up in a very broken home. While she was pregnant, she found out that he had gotten another girl pregnant (I have a half sister who is 6 months older than I am). She only worked part time and didn't feel like she could support me enough financially or emotionally. She said that she wanted me to grow up in a good home, with both a mom and a dad, and have a good life.



I know a lot of people on here are adoptions haters and are telling you how messed up your kid is going to be if you give him/her up for adoption. People claim that you're abandoning you're child and that it's the worst possible thing you could do. Some people even claim that they would have rather been aborted than been adopted.



Well, let me tell you. I would much rather be alive and adopted than dead! I don't know what kind of experience these anti-adoption advocates had, but I lived a great and privileged life. I had a happy childhood, in a happy family. Sure, my parents got divorced when I was 9. The fact of the matter is that 6 out of 10 American marriages end in divorce, so I don't really hold that against my adoptive parents. If I had not been adopted, I wouldn't have a father period. So other than the divorce, I had a wonderful childhood. My mom stayed home with my brothers and I when we were small. I went to a good school in a great district. I went to college, although I had to drop out temporarily to get married to a military man : )



I wouldn't have had the same opportunities had my birth mother not given me up for adoption. I know this for a fact, because 2 years ago I found her and my 5 half siblings. I love my birth mother and my siblings, but... she's had to work full time as they're growing up. They go to inner city schools. She can't afford to help them to go college. Now I am NOT saying that it's all about money and economic status. It's not. (I know that someone is going to accuse me of that) BUT money and economic status makes a huge difference in raising a child. My life would have turned out ENTIRELY differently had I not been given up for adoption. Please don't get me wrong, I love my birth family so much and I'm so lucky to have found them, but I am still very thankful for my upbringing.



It really boils down to 2 main issues. 1. can you give your child the lifestyle that you want for them. and 2. do you really want to be a father?



Because let me tell you; I have worked in daycares. I've had kids that get dropped off at 7am and are their until midnight, because mom works and goes to school and dad isn't in the picture. I've had kids who have no running water and the only hot meal they eat all day long is lunch at the daycare. That is no life to give your child. I have cared for children who's parents resent them because they had to give up their dreams to be parents. They didn't want a baby but everyone else pressured them into keeping it and they still really have no interest in being a parent. For the sake of your child, don't be one of those people.



You and your girlfriend need to make the decision that works the best for all 3 of you. Make the decision that you believe, with your whole heart and soul, is right. And then stick with it. And don't let anyone else tell you that you're wrong, or selfish, or whatever other rubbish they may come up with. People tend be very nosy and over-vocal these days. I applaud you for thinking about your child's future - both the emotional and financial.



I wish you the best of luck!





p.s. Open adoption can be amazing. Just make sure that you are clear about your desires with the adoptive family. There is no legal definition of "open adoption," so the adoptive family could change their mind and cut off contact. There are also a lot of families who have great open adoptions, so it just comes down to picking a good family. Do your research, and take your time. Again, good luck!

Answer 12

Adoption is a great option. I am 17 and I was adopted from a teenage pregnancy. I just recently met my birth mother and i am so glade i was given up for adoption. I love her so much, but she really is in bad shape finical. She got pregnant again a year later with my sister and now has four kids and is with an abusive husband and just doesn't have a very good life. I love my birth mother with all my heart but I grew up with family who loves me and I consider them my family, THEY are my family. And they took me in and treated me and cared about me like their child and that is what I became, THEIRS. IT is a great option and a Beautiful thing because honestly if you are NOT ready, think about what kind of life your child will have? And you can give them to someone who can't have children and you can keep contact with the family who you give your child to. I hope the BEST of luck to you! Remember there are OPTIONS and I am so happy you are looking at adoption <3



http://www.americanadoptions.com/?gclid=COS97umqw6QCFRpO5QodmFv-iw

Answer 13

You and the mother do what your heart tells you to. Open adoption sounds like a good idea for you both. Bless you for being involved in your child's welfare......best of luck to all 3 of you...

Answer 14

Go with the adoption. There is NO LACK of children being raised in poverty/poorly raised.



This situation will (let's be realistic here) not allow you to graduate and will impact your entire life for the worse. Child support is awful, and you will not have any real benefits from having the child anyway since you won't know them very well if your gf isn't working out.



Shoot, abortion would have been the best.

Answer 15

Does your child's mother have any say in this? Ultimately, it's up to her. If you are stuck in a bad financial situation due to irresponsible behavior, then be glad it's something as wonderful as a new life instead of a nasty case of herpes.

I can tell you would definitely regret "adopting out" your baby and not being a part of its life, just from how you worded your question.

Adoption is wonderful, but it's not a replacement for a mom and dad that love their kid. What would you want? Would you want all the material things and a cushy life or a your parents who loved you and raised you with the best they had and then you never had to wonder what might have been?

Let your ex decide, and if she decides to keep it, man up and support her financially as best you can afford.

Answer 16

You're jumping the gun as you can't go ahead with adoption unless your girlfriend agrees to it. I also believe you're being selfish. There are parents who are in your situation or have been in your situation and have coped so you two can. I know this will sound harsh but if you didn't want to run the risk of being a father you BOTH should have been using protection. If you were then I'm sorry in which case the only safe sex is abstinence.



To the outside world my son appears to be a happy well adjusted adoptee who is quite happy he is adopted. His friends certainly believe he is but the reality is he has major issues with his adoption and adoption in general.



You don't have to be with the mother to be a good father. Some parents are happier and better parents apart but sharing the responsibilities than being together. Your situation is temporary, adoption is forever and open adoption can be closed even if adoptive parents do drastic things such as moving to close it.



Sorry I think you're selfish, not thinking about how adoption will afeect your child and have no regard for the mother of your child.

Answer 17

I think adoption is wrong. A child is always better off with it's own parents than "substitutes", unless of course there is abuse of some kind. Even then, the child is better off with someone in it's natural family.



Most babies aren't planned but people make do. This is not just your decision anyway - the mother needs to learn about the different options available for single mothers (if you aren't a couple).

I'm not bashing you or angry - just telling you to buck up and do the right thing by your child and his mother.



The father of my child who didn't feel he was ready to parent in 1966, never got over it. We both married others but kept in touch for years and he always wanted to find our son. Sadly, the natural father died of pancreatic cancer in his 40's, one year before I found our son.

Answer 18

It's a decision that you both are going to have to make together. If she wants to keep the baby, despite thinking adoption would be best, I suggest you back her.



I was 17 when I got pregnant. My boyfriend abandoned us, and my parents wanted me to opt for adoption. I fought through it all. Now I'm happily married, and have two little ones of my own! We're also on the other end, and are looking to adopt (No suggestion there, just that someday you might be on the other end of the rope). If you both want to keep the baby, I suggest struggling through it.





If together you'd like to put the baby up for adoption and feels its best for you, mommy, and the child, then it's pretty easy. Get in contact with an adoption help center, or agency in your area. OR if you hear or see someone on the web you really connect to, contact them and ask which agency they're going through. Then you can work together through the adoption.



It's a beautiful, if stressful process on both ends. On your end at least you get to chose who your baby will go to to the best of your ability. <3



If you're lucky, also, you'll find someone in your area like my husband and I. Sending picture either on every birthday. Parents like us also keepsake a 'Dear son/daughter' letter to give to the baby as they grow so they'll always know how much their parents cared and loved them to give them to a better family.



My only other suggestion is to really dig deep, and remember ONE last thing. Once you put your baby up its for life. There is a chance you'll see them again, but its slim.





EDIT: I would also suggest peeking through agencies and seeing if they allow you to leave a 'Dear daughter/son' letter with them as well. This way if your child ever comes looking for you, you'll be leaving breadcrumbs. Know what I mean?



http://adoptionsc.com/pages/faq.php



Thats a link in my area for facts on adoption. I've found that it's about the same for all attorneys and agencies.



Look real deep cause this is a HUGE decision.





ALSO: I wanted to say I really liked tish_part deux and iluvnurd s advice as well. Put them together and you have a very well informed decision.

Answer 19

Um......sorry but here comes truth time. I was adopted at birth. I certainly gave every appearance of being happy and I certainly do love my adoptive parents. Now the fact is, I HATE being adopted, like an awful lot of adoptees, I felt abandoned and unwanted by my first parents, and that despite having been told the truth about my adoption by my aparents who were aware that my first mother had been forced to relinquish by my grandparents. I still suffer from a deep fear of abandonment, fear of failure and of not being good enough and Im now 42 years old, married and have a child of my own. I was reunited with my first family when I was 34 and subsequently discovered that I had inherited cervical cancer and cardio myopathy from my first mum, neither of those things were known at the time I was adopted and I would be dead twice over if not for reunion.



Adoption does not promise a child a better life, only a different one. Adoptive parents can suffer financial difficulties, divorce and tragedy just as easily as biological parents can - the biggest difference there is that an adoptee is already suffering the effects of adoption to go with it. You will not be a student forever, nor will you be poor forever but adoption is the ultimate permanent solution to a temporary situation. Open adoptions are as a rule not legally enforceable, there is every possibility that you would end up permanently loosing all contact with your child. I can tell you that my first mother NEVER recovered from loosing me, even though she went on to have another 3 children.



As a Mum myself I can tell you that children, especially in the first few years, need VERY little. Breast milk, diapers, a roof over their head, clothes and lots and lots of parental love......that's it. It doesn't matter if you dont live with the mother and child, as long as you make a sincere effort to be a part of your child's life.



To those who have described adoption as "a wonderful gift", so you've been gifting your kids to those not able to conceive have you?? Surely if surrendering your children to adoption is such a wonderful thing to do you'd all be wanting to do it too? Children are NOT possessions to give away!! I was NOT a gift given to my aparents, I was someones child and that someone suffered the rest of her life as a result.

Answer 20

let me ask you a question: if you hit the lotto today, would you still want to sign over your rights?



bottom line: babies need their mommies and daddies. they do not need "things". you are young, grant it, but you will not be young forever. also, parenting your child with limited resources is not "ruining him"; it's parenting.



adoption is a decision that should only be entered into because of extreme abuse or neglect. furthermore, there are MANY services that can help you and your gf parent your child, until you all get on your feet. also, you are in college, that is an indication that you have goals and might find yourself in a much better place, financially in a few years.



adoption is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. and there are way too many resources out there to help.



regarding "a better life": you can not guarantee that. just because someone has more money and a nice house, DOES NOT mean they will be a good father. in addition, many people who want your baby chose not to have babies when they were younger, and now they can't. basically, it's not the job of your girlfriend to go through pregnancy and labor so that someone else can get a baby.



furthermore you stated, "I would be considering an open adoption in this case because i can not leave my kid straight up.." then i need to tell you that, OPEN ADOPTION IS NOT LEGALLY ENFORCEABLE. don't allow anyone to tell you differently. open adoption agreements are often used as a "hook" to get ambivalent young people to give up their babies. it is possible that the potential adoptive parents might agree to an open adoption, yet will change their mind. it happens a lot, unfortunately.



honestly, i think you are a bit overwhelmed and trying to make it right. how do i know this? because i was in the same position 19 years ago. and i too made an adoption plan, for all the reasons you suggested. but the closer i got to the date, the more i knew that i couldn't do it. sure people were mad (and some very nasty to me) but i made the best decision of my life.



my son just celebrated his 19th birthday, and is going to college, not in jail, on drugs, or the other things they try to tell you happen to kids with young parents.



also, many parent separate. just because you and the mother will be separated, doesn't mean the child will forever live with two parents. adoptive parents divorce too.



the other part of this is this child's mother. ultimately, she has to agree with the adoption. and if she is not willing to place the child, then no adoption can take place.



also, for every adoptee that is "fine"; there are many others who are not. also adoption involves two mutually different experiences: the loss of a family, and gaining a family. hence, it's possible that even though he might "love" his adoptive parents, he might have a great deal of resentment towards you and his mother. there is no guarantee that your child will understand your reason for placing him; and he might actually grow to resent both you and his mother.



i think you should really just stick around and read stories from women who have been pregnant and made adoption plans. i would also speak with fathers who have placed their children for adoption.



good luck.

Answer 21

Your situation is temporary.Adoption is permanent.You claim you have lack of funds..Have you not heard of Government assistance? there are many programs that can help with food, child care etc. Open adoption is nothing.You will watch the kid grow up and not be apart of it's life.That is NOT a pleasant feeling.You have NO clue how the kid's life is going to end up if you put it up for adoption.Not every adoption story ends happily ever after.

Answer 22

How does your gf feel about adoption? You and your gf are the only pple that can tell decide what is right. You both need to do what you feel is best for the baby. If you have any question about adoption please feel free to email or im me. My husband and I are looking to adopt so i've done a ton of research on it. I'd be more than happy to help you out.

Answer 23

uhm, get a job! I am going to college full time as well as working full time, my husband works 16 hour days, and I have a 14 month old. Take some of your classes online. Giving your child away WILL hurt your child more than you can imagine, and more than it hurts you. Stop making excuses and raise your baby. Your girlfriend can choose to be a mom with or without you. There is way too much government assistance out there to help you out financially until you get on your feet to be wanting to give your baby away.

Answer 24

Your reasoning sounds fine, but what does she think? You can't do this without her permission. If she chooses to keep the child, you will still be financially responsible for the child - regardless of if you want to be in his/her life or not.

Answer 25

You won't always be in school.



Money won't always be tight.



You won't always be cramming for an exam...



So, think about when you graduate and get a great job. You will have the time, the money, but you've already given your child away. You can't get him back. Will you be able to live with that?



What about when you have other children? How will you explain to them that you couldn't be bothered with their sibling? How do you explain to your adopted child when he tracks you down in 18 years?



Having a in America is like winning the lottery.

There are programs that will pay for your tuition, books, housing, clothing, child care, food, diapers, utilities...you name it, it's paid for. Until the kid is at least 3. By then, you'll have graduated and can spend some quality time with your kid.



Keep your baby.

Answer 26

1st i am not adopted. But My parents do not have the financial security. In fact, our Gas got turned off yesterday. So, I love my parents and brother. I don't care about the money! I am just happy and know that I am loved. I think you should think about. It is a big decision. How does your G/F feel about this? DO NOT HAVE AN ABORTION!

Answer 27

Well It will be good now for when he is growing up, he will have a good childhood, but eventually they are going to wonder who their parent is, so try and get some visitation rights but If i were in your shoes, I don't know If I could let my child go just like that. Best of luck. And if your wondering Abortion for me is out of the question and it should be for everyone else.

Answer 28

There are thousands of couples around the world that have so much love and resources to give a child the best life possible. Think of it this way, you'd not only be giving your child the best life possible, but you'd also be helping a couple's dream of being parents come true...

Answer 29

I would say the best situation for you would be to go through with an adoption, but talk it over with your girlfriend, too. You don't have to feel guilty trying to give a baby a better life than you feel you can provide.