Emotions that come with finding your birth family?

Question

My husband was adopted 24 years ago at birth. He has just decided that he wants to find his birth mother/family. My question is for those of you who have found your birth family after searching or those of you who are birth mothers and have had a reunion with your child after many years.
For those who are adoptees, I would like to know what kind of emotions my husband will go through with this journey and what your relationship was like with your birth family after you met them.

For those who are the birth mothers, what kind of emotions have you gone through throughout the years and the emotions you went through when you met your son/daughter. Also, if you are a birthmother and you have given your child up do you want him or her to find you when they come of age?

Answer 1

Here goes: I'm a bio mom who relinquished for the safety of my daughter. She is Rachael here on ths site. I signed the registry and waited.



I spent the first few months of her relinquishment feeling like I had done the right thing. After all every adoptive parent was June and Ward Clever. Then the horror stories started pouring in about how not all adoptive parents are good to the children. How some of them get returned. How many live their lives out in Foster care and are Raped, abused, and even murdered.



I spent the next 28 years on the rollercoaster. I wondered if I in fact did do the right thing, if she was okay, in a good home with parents that love her, if she was fed properly and received medical treatment when she needed it, if she was still alive and hated me, if she was dead and i would never see her again. I honestly felt deep in my heart that she was okay, got good parents, and I would see her again. This may have been wishful thinking to help me cope.



I received several calls over the years, from men mostly, looking for their bio moms and I would talk to them for quite a while. How odd that even though they got the wrong person there was enough of a connection that we could do that. Each conversation ended with us wishing each other success in our search. It gave me hope but also produced disappointment. I felt sick some days, confident others.



When I got my call, I was in shock almost. A man asked me a few questions ( which are a blur now) all I can remember is saying over and over "no way is this my call, the one I've been waiting for" "is this really finally my call" I remember him saying in a calm, loving voice "you dont' know how happy I am to hear you say that, there is some one here who wants to talk to you" 4 hours later. It was my daughter.



I walked around in a fog for weeks. I couldn't sleep (which is not unusual for me) I wanted to talk to her every day. We tried to take it slow in the beginning but almost 9 years later we can't stand to go for more than a few days with out hearing from each other.



I cried a lot when I was alone after that day. They were tears of joy. I felt like my life had finally been completed. There has been no greater peace in my life than that day. (so I thought)



4 months ago we found her father. Same scenario all over again, sick feeling in the stomach, scared, worried, but a driving force that would not let us back down and run away.

Now my life is truely complete. No one cried that day, but I cried for weeks afterward when I was alone. They both had an instant love for one another and openly admitted it was strange but none the less true. In my life this was my unfinished business. I have no unfinished business, not now.



As for everyones life involved: Rachael got June and Ward Clever for parents, she was well taken care of and even spoiled. I didn't have kids for another 20 years, and didn't marry until 6 years ago. Her father nevr married and never had any more children. He said after what he had done he vowed to never do it again. That is the sadest part of this story. How odd that his life out of the 3 of us is the one I wish had turned out differently. He is my dear friend, we have since talked about many things that never got said and the 3 of us are committed to remain in each others lives from here on out. I talked to him yesterday and rachael talked to him the day before.

Answer 2

Hiya Colby,



Search and reunion is an absolute roller-coaster ride.

Your husband is very lucky to have a partner that wishes to learn more and help him through the process.

Good for you!



Here are links to blogs written by adoptees and first-mothers - so that you can get a feel for the many and varied emotions involved with the process. (all are in various stages of exploring their feelings towards their own adoption - and many are in various stages of search and/or reunion)



Adoptees -

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index.php?topic=2805.0



First-mothers -

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index.php?topic=2804.0



If you're not familiar with blogs - most have the most recent 'blog' showing - then when you scroll down - the dates go backwards. You'll often also find a log of older posts and/or key words that you can search through.



Also - I'd suggest the books - 'Primal Wound' by Nancy Verrier - and 'The Girls That Went Away' by Ann Fessler as good starting points.



Here are some useful websites for info and support (the first is the best adoptee support forum I've found on the web) -

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index.php

http://www.adoptioncrossroads.org/

http://origins-usa.org/



Adoptees can get extremely obsessed with search and reunion - so openness is a key for your relationship - always keep talking.

The most amazing and sometimes frightening emotions come up at times - just reassure him that he's not alone - there are many many adoptees out there going through this - and (I believe) it's better to explore those feelings - to ultimately get to the other side - rather than hide them deep down inside.



For me - it's been a very emotional ride - but I have no regrets - as I feel like finally I am getting my truth - a truth that was hidden from me for so very long - a truth that I needed to move on.



I wish you both all the very best.

Shout out if you ever need support.

Answer 3

Hi Colby,



Congratulations to your husband for making the decision to find his family. More women than men search, and men usually do after encouragement from their wives. If I could offer any advice for you, the biggest would be to really be there as his support system. Searches can consume a lot of time & energy. At times it can seem to become an obsession. He needs you now more than ever. Searching and reunion can sometimes feel like a rollercoaster ride of different emotions.



Some searches take many years. If there is a support group in your area, you should encourage him to join. If there is not, then try an online one such as:



http://www.adultadoptees.org



He should also register with International Soundex Reunion Registry:



www.isrr.net



It's free and it's a great international registry. That one worked for me. There are also Search Angels available online.



Emotionally, the best way to head into the search would be for him to consider every possible scenario so that he will be prepared for any outcome. In other words, have an open mind and not a specific definition of what must be found. Whatever he does find is his story, and that is the one that truth and acceptance will be built upon. If he is able to complete his search by finding family members, then the search was a successful one, because he will then have his answers and never have to go through the rest of his life in the dark. If he finds his family and it develops into a good relationship, then that is icing on the cake. Either way, he will have his truths that are rightfully his, & nobody will ever be able to take those away from him again.



Another thing I wanted to mention is that searching is not about finding replacement parents to replace the adoptive ones. In fact, it has nothing to do with the adoptive parents at all. It's about finding one's self and how one fits in the world. It's about getting closure for the past so one can move forward. It's about filling in gaps about ethnicity, medical, nationality, religion, etc. The list goes on & on. It's about having all the questions of who, why, where, what, when answered.



He will find that life will begin to fit together better once he has a sense of where he came from. Many adoptees and natural parents report a feeling of peace once they complete their searches.



Speaking as a reunited adoptee, I can tell you it is also one of the most meaningful things I ever did. I never regret having the answers I have today. The experience of finding my roots has had a very positive effect on every aspect of my life. Good luck with his search. If you, he, or other family members have additional questions, don't hesitate to return back to ask. Plenty of others have been there & can help along the way. Again, thank you for being there for him on his journey.



julie j

reunited adoptee

Answer 4

The emotions surrounding search/reunion are usually compared to a roller coaster ride: up-down-up again-even bigger down-around and around...and I agree with the comparison. Each person's roller coast is going to be a bit different; but I've never heard anyone say search/reunion was just a walk in the park.



Searching gave me a sense of empowerment. It was the first time in my whole life that I had a say about anything related to my adoption. Reunion gave me a sense of closure that I know I could not have achieved by any other means. I don't regret searching at all. I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

Answer 5

My husband would understand to a certain extent how you are feeling. Reunion can be tough enough for those reuniting and it can easy to forget about the partners feelings. I reunited with my son back in 2004 and it consumed my life for months nor did I realize what effect it had on my husband who has been an absolute saint throughout. Incidently we have had issues with my son lying too not just to us but also his adoptive parents. Anyway the first time my son and I met was about 6 weeks into reunion and my husband went with me simply because we lived 260 miles apart so when we got to the meeting point my husband left my son and I so we could spend time alone together which was the right thing to do. Fortunately he had a good support network so gave me my space yet I know I needed my husband's support so I am thankful that he put me first and it made our marriage stronger, From personal experience I would suggest you give him breathing space but carry on being supportive. There is plenty of time to get to know his family so just be there for him - all best wishes to you.

Answer 6

I was told who my birth Mother was when I was 12, it was a family member so I tried to make a connection with them. It has been a vicious circle since then, they would pull me in and out of there lives at whim, it was heart breaking to me and to my adopted parents as they always supported my decision to have contact with them. I will always be thankful that my birth Mother was unselfish and gave me up. I couldn't have had a better life, I was an only child and loved very much. My birth Mother is in her 80's now and if she would ever need to see me for any reason I would go to her, but will not allow my world to be turn upside down anymore.

Answer 7

Well, no one can say for sure what your husband will go through...



I know that I went through just about every emotion possible. Before I found her, I felt mostly anxious. I was so nervous that I wouldn't find her, or that she might be dead, or that she might not want to know me.



Once I found her, I was excited and thrilled to get her first letter. Then I felt some anger and sadness (not at her) for some of the things I found out. (Her mother had basically forced her to relinquish me. A social worker had convinced her not to search for me.) Then I began cycling through emotions of happiness, anxiety (that she might leave again), guilt (was I being disloyal to my adoptive family?), apprehension (what if I didn't feel comfortable around her), and so on. It is a real roller-coaster ride. It still is, six months later.



And yet, I do not, for a second, regret having found her. I have missed her for over thirty years. And she has missed me. We both have started healing since we have found each other. I feel a bit more whole now.



Good luck to both of you. It's a bumpy ride. But it's worth it.

Answer 8

it's a rollercoaster and it's so different for everyone.



when i was found, i went from angry to more angry to even angrier than i thought i could be; i went through betrayal to my parents and shock of knowing my life will NEVER be the same.



my bmom who was searching for me unleashed 30 years of pent up "what ifs", guilt (no need for that) and other emotions. it was A LOT to take in and for awhile, i just slammed the door shut on communications after the first month of incessant phone calls. Then i gradually let her back in but she came out to visit (stayed with me), then her son and his wife came out (stayed with me) and it was just a little too much too soon and just way too wierd for me.



BUT that is only my feelings based on my experience. I'm one of the ones that can talk about meeting both sides of my birthfamily, etc -- not everyone can do that so i do recognize that; however, there is a lot involved in reunion and it's not all "rainbows and roses".



if your husband proceeds with his search, i can only say that i hope he is respectful of the object of his search and lets the bmom/bdad slowly wrap their head around what has happened. They have a lot that they will have to uncover and deal with and so will your husband.

Answer 9

It's very emotional but it was closure for me. I found my birth family in 2004 after years of wondering about them. I got soo many questions answered but then I still felt a lil empty and they still seem like strangers to me. The best thing that happened was I rekindled my relationship with my sister and finally met my nieces & nephews. Also was able to get my medical history which was a plus esp. b/c we are currently expecting our 1st child. No one in my adopted family could understand why I wanted to meet these folks but I needed to so I understand why your hubby wants to look for them. Best of luck and if you need any other advice pls feel free to email me.

Answer 10

When I started searching I was trying to fill a void in my life. I had a rift with my adoptive family and was really trying to replace that relationship with a new one. FORUTNATELY, I didn't find my bio family for 12 years so I matured out of that mindset.

I became confident and comfortable in who I was as an individual without any family (adoptive or bio). It was then that "out of the blue" I was given my bio mom's name and her father's mailing address.

4 months later, I received a letter from my bio grandma. I was nervous and excited. However, it didn't change who I was. Now I have regular contact with a 1/2 sister. I am content knowing them.

Each journey is different. Each individual has to find his/her way. I am still waiting to see if my bio mother will ever want to speak with me. But even if her pain is so much that she doesn't I am content with the pictures and knowing the full story of my birth.

Answer 11

You are really acting a very tough question. It is such a personal question that what may be true for one might not be for another. He is going to go through the full gamete of emotions I would say from frustration, to loss, to resent to happiness to closure. Good luck

Answer 12

I personally know a first mom and she would love to have her child find her. She regrets that she ever did it.



No one can predict how it will go. Just start off as you would when meeting anyone.

Answer 13

As the mother of four(the last baby was the one we gave up) It was very hard to choose to give him up for adoption, but I am trying to prepare myself for : anger, feelings of abandonment,etc... that will come when he contacts me, if he chooses...I sincerely hope that he does choose to contact me, as hard as it will be to deal with those feelings, and I want him to know that I loved him enough to give him a chance at life, instead of aborting him....I carried him for nine months and gave him to people who were better equipped financially to handle him...And He has brothers and a sister that can't wait to meet him...