Would U attempt an open adoption even if your child's caseworker says it's a horrible idea?

Question

Would U attempt an open adoption even if your child's caseworker says it's a horrible idea?

Answer 1

Why not let your child make that decision for herself? My child, also through foster care, was taken for the same reasons. We were given specifics as to what type of severe neglect was going on....and were also told not to communicate with the mother. We won't. However, if our child decides that he one day wants to communicate with her, then we will do everything in our power to help him...when is is mature enough to handle whatever that contact may bring. I think they must have told you more than just 'severe neglect' and 'inept parenting'. If you aren't hearing more about your child's background, then there are several issues that you will need to discuss with your caseworker....as all of that info should be made available to you...so that you can best care for your child's physical, mental, and emotional well-being. Knowing the detailed circumstances of my child's 'severe neglect' made this an easy choice for us. As for our child, he will determine what is best for him as far as his first family and contact.

Answer 2

I would speak with that social workers superiors. Something awfully odd about this whole situation. How can they condone LIES? What ELSE are they lying about?



BTW, ongoing communication does not necessarily mean physical contact. It can be letters, photos, etc.

Answer 3

I think you should absolutely make contact. Set up a separate email address for contact with her, get a P.O. box for letters, and feel her out for awhile before making direct contact (i.e. in person). I don't care what her behavior was, her CHILD deserves to know her mother. The contact can be kept to a minimum, and any visits can be fully supervised for safety. You know what's best - stick to your guns.

Answer 4

According to CO law, CPS must disclose all information to the adoptive parents (contrary to Tracy's last sentence). If you are adopting the child, the county cannot withhold information about that child.



As for contact with Birth family, my daughter was severely abused and contact was terminated with parental rights were terminated.



Since we finalized her adoption (she was 14 when she was place with us and is now 18) we have attempted to communicate with the family. They outright reject her and there seems no chance of a healthy relationship...however, we keep trying because our daughter wants to have a relationship with them. She doesn't want them as parents, she just wants to know them and have contact with her siblings.



Yes, I would pursue some sort of contact with the birth family if I were you.

Answer 5

I would contact the natural mother without involving your child, and getting your own sense of it. Also keep safety in mind, so don't give her your home phone number, address, last name etc. Then once you have an idea of where she stands you can gradually involve your daughter if it seems to be going well. I would still keep things safe for a while, and make sure she's going to be cooperative and positive. Even if you later have to close the adoption, you'll be able to tell your daughter you did your best.

Answer 6

Thank You for posting this. It is a perfect example to others who trust the system, as to what actually happens. Tell the first mother anything to shut her up. Keep her quiet with lies and promises you have no intention of keeping until the ink is dry. I would be very skeptical of your case worker. And they think this is in the best interest of the child? This is not Ethical adoption. I would most definately contact the mother. Our system removes children for some very flimsy reasons, exaggerates them to get people to feel sorry for the child and thinks nothing of it after the paperwork is signed.



Look at the responses you have gotten already. Oh my God that's awful, the poor child. Are You crazy, the child was taken away. Hide that child from it's life, dont' think about what it's going to do to them later. Just love them and they will forget. Your case worked does this for a living, BINGO!!!!!



This is what your case worker does for a living. Promises things they have no intention of making good on. This mother has been discarded before the papers are even signed. She will be SHOVED out of this childs life and your case worker 2 maybe 3 years down the road will not give a second thought to how that woman is doing, how that child is doing, or even if what she did was really in the best interest of the child. Case workers get numb after a while. They shuffle kids like the humane society shuffles pets.



There may be times you wished you hadn't contacted the first mother but in the long run keeping in touch with this childs family is what s in the best interest of the child.



HOW THE HELL DOES LIVING IN THE COUNTRY MEAN SOMEONE IS GOING TO BE A GOOD PARENT?

Answer 7

Well, and that's just it. If her rights were terminated, then there is a reason for it, but then it begs the question that if they are willing to lie to the natural mother, and appease her wish for an open adoption, and then not follow through on that, what are they telling you or rather lying to you about?



Fact is that they don't HAVE to tell the mom where the child is and they didn't even have to promise her an open adoption. Her rights were terminated and she has nothing to say about it, so why would they find it necessary to 'appease' her? Did they promise her that so she would sign over her rights? That's a lot different than terminating her rights without her signature.



The other thing is that in an adoption there are things about this child's file that CPS will not tell you and that you by law do not have a right to know. That would make me wary.



I would speak to your attonrey about this.



EDIT-

TONI is incorrect. I've have been a witness to a number of adoptions where the adoptive parents were NOT told everything that they should have been told about the child and the circumstances in which the child was placed in state custody. And they had no legal leg in which to find out. As a result of this, I know of two families who backed out of adoption proceedings when they found out behavioral issues in the children they sought to adopt, after those children were living with them during the trial period.



Do not trust CPS to tell you everything you need to know.



HOWEVER, be very wary contacting the natural mother. If you do contact her, make sure she cannot trace you back to where you live. You may consider not contactig her until the adoption is complete and then after that do so through the mail where she cannot trace it back to you. I would avoid e-mail.

Answer 8

We have a beautiful daughter that we adopted. We have an open relationship with her birth mother's family. It has been truly wonderful but we did not know what it would be like when we first started down this path.

As you know your first concern is for the well being of your child & not tramatizing her further. But if you would like to have contact with your daughter's first mom I would suggest doing it in baby steps so that you find out if a trusting relationship is even possible. We started out with secure email (no identifying info), after a year of that we felt confident enought to meet a busy public park. For us it has continued on and we are very close now. However your situation sounds quite different from ours. Just be very careful, your caseworker likely knows what she is talking about. I would also suggest that if her first mom is as your caseworker says - there is no need to share that info with your child until she is much older. Excentuate the positive - how much you wanted her & how much she is loved. Good luck & God bless!

Answer 9

Do it! You will do what is best for your child!



Seven years ago, I gave my bson to a home that, on paper, was to be an open adoption. Quickly I found that this was only in paper, to "pacify" me, the birthmom. I have received a few notes and a couple of pictures from his parents. But there has been NOTHING that we agreed on before I gave them their son.



Seven years later, I do not hold them at fault. They were, and still are, scared of me wanting to be a mother to him. All I ever wanted my birthson was for him to be loved and cared for in a way I could only dream of at the time he was born. When I was younger, I wanted three boys, I wanted to be a teacher, and live in the country with tons of land. Today, my bson has two older brothers, his mother is a 4th grade teacher, his father is an agriculture teacher. He has been raised in the church, and on top of a horse. He has the life I dreamed of giving not only him, but my three angels at home.



Do your child and his first mother a favor, and keep her in your lives! Only good things can come from it.



Please, email me if you want to talk more about how open adoption can help you, your child, and your child's first mother!

Answer 10

There was abuse and her rights were terminated.

I gree with Gaia about the PObox and the emil. Send pics. I'd say keep in touch because one day your daughter might want to see her bmom. I'm not sure about any kind of visits, you will have to play that by ear and build up some trust.

Answer 11

There is a big difference between neglect and abuse.



Why was the child "neglected"? Was her mother poor? Couldn't afford food or to pay for the heating bill? Those are reasons for "neglect" but hardly "abuse", and though unfortunate, poverty does not make one a "bad" parent. It sounds like this child's mother does love her daughter, but she just lacked either resources or parenting skills.



If this child is placed in your home where she will be cared for adequately, then why not allow her to have conact with the mother who seems to love her but couldn't care for her for whatever reason?



The mother didn't ABUSE her, she just wasn't able to CARE for her.



BIG difference.



That caseworker is a liar and is VERY UNETHICAL.



And imagine how you would feel as a child to be pulled from your home and NEVER see your mother again...talk about TRAUMA!!!

Answer 12

The whole situation sounds really fishy. There seems to be a lot of doubletalking from the caseworker. Is there any way you can have access to the child's file and read it yourself? (I honestly don't know if this is possible, but it might be advisable to get your information unfiltered.)



Severe neglect generally doesn't mean not being able to afford food; the term implies there is more involved than that. CPS doesn't (or at least isn't supposed to) terminate parental rights just because a family is poor. But reading the file or talking to a supervisor might help you get a better picture.



The biggest concern about contacting the child's first mom is, of course, safety. And I don't think that should be underestimated. If you do decide to contact her, please take precautions, just in case. If it turns out you didn't need them, fine and dandy.



If it were me, I would first want to read the file. And I'd push that as far as I could to read the reports myself and draw my own conclusions. If that wasn't possible, I probably would contact the first mother, but through a separate email or PO Box. Not direct contact until I was sure that everything was safe. Listen with an open mind, but also with a fair mind. It could also be that your caseworker is absolutely right and being in contact would be detrimental to the child.



Again, this sounds like you aren't getting the whole story. And you need to.

Answer 13

I would ask more questions about why this woman is viewed as someone who doesn't have a right to even know what her child looks like and judge for myself.

Right now, while she's little, it might be better to just send the birthmother pictures and letters and let your daughter decide later if she wants contact.

I definitely think allowing the birthmother "outings" where she takes the girl somewhere without you is not a good thing at this age.

ETA: I wonder if this mother has had her rights terminated before with another child or something and the caseworker has experience with this mother from that child.

Answer 14

Remember, no matter what the birth mother did or didn't do, she still isn't a bad person. I am a believer in the creed "people do bad things, but nobody is evil." Everything we do is influenced by our circumstances, anyone is capable of doing anything given the right ones. I think you should take her circumstances into the picture, if you can find them out. It isn't right that she should unwillingly loose all contact with her child. Someday your daughter will wonder why, and likely feel hurt or abandoned. Like others said, I think you should start with email, or some other form of contact that avoids revealing your wherabouts. Then continue from there. Congratulations on the adoption, and good luck! I hope everything works out for the best.

Answer 15

There were wrong to put this in the file. If the mothers rights were terminated I don’t see why they would have had to done this to appease her. I would try to find out more about why her rights were terminated what she did to neglect the child. This is information that you should know anyways as the child one day will want to know. Then I would go from there. If you contact this woman at all it should be by email or snail mail, it even be best to have a middle man if your doing snail mail. I would not have any visitation with this woman; her rights were terminated for a reason. When the child gets older she can decided if she wants to have any meet ups with her first mom, if so then supervised this woman should NEVER be alone with the child not even for a minute.

Answer 16

understanding what i be responsive to approximately you and your son, i might say i could be comfortable with it, yet like monkeykitty83 stated, enable them to be responsive to the form you chanced on the touch suggestions first so it does not look stalkerish (not asserting you're, i'm hoping you comprehend what I advise). only thinking nevertheless... how lots does he be responsive to approximately you? Have they informed him the clarification why you relinquished? i'm thinking if the quantity of touch could be in accordance with how he feels approximately it. Like if he's on the degree the place he needs to be responsive to you or if he's offended, something alongside those traces. Then the different concern you stated formerly... his sisters. Does he be responsive to approximately them? i could be responsive to the way it is killing you yet i think of it is going to could be at his %.. The worst which could take place is they say no. he would be 18 in some years and he would be unfastened to hunt for you as he needs. sturdy luck. i'm hoping incredibly everyone would be open to the assumption.

Answer 17

Here comes an evil awful social worker to answer the question...



I'm confused...if rights were involuntarily terminated they didn't have to tell her anything to appease her..that makes no sense.



I agree with Giaa Raain (sp..sorry forgot to check).....but I'd like to add that the child also deserves to be safe and feel secure and loved...she deserves to know where her next meal is coming from, when her next bath will be, and that no one is going to leave her alone all night...contact with mom might impede her secure bonding to you right away.



Something doesn't make sense here.....talk to the social worker and find out why she feels this way...it is possible that after years of experience...she knows what she is talking about...it is possible she has it out for this mom...I don't know...



Also..."makes a living ".....please do you know how much a state paid social worker makes.....HA HA HA HA HA HA ... my first year out of college I made $23,000 after 5 years experience and I college degree I made $25,000 people don't do this for the money.....at least in the foster care sector.



ETA: Children are not removed because a parent is too poor to afford heat and food. If they are, they should appeal as that is illegal....when rights are terminated for neglect we are talking dangerous conditions, being left alone, unmet medical needs, severe issues.



In my state a parent is provided with a treatment plan, an attorney, a social worker, therapy and EVERY service you can imagine...and when they don't follow through the judge yells at the social worker so they even get a scapegoat for a while...this goes on for at least 6 months to a year sometimes more...courts don't just rush in to terminate rights even in cases where they should.

Answer 18

Your case worker is messed up. She has no right to go back on her word to the mother and tell you that it's a bad idea. You are adopting and will be the 3 year olds parents and only you know what is best for her and can make that decision. If you think it's best that she has some contact with her biological mother then that's the best decision. Never hide from her that you aren't the biological parents but you may want to keep contact with the mother limited since your daughter might get confused. I wouldn't give the biological mother details as to what your address is. She may try to kidnap her daughter. It sounds serious and you may think it will not happen but it's always possible.



Have you asked the caseworker why she thinks the biological mother shouldn't have contact with your daughter?

Answer 19

There are ways to have contact with out it harming the child. Meet in neutral places don't call her from your home phone block your number etc. I think she can have some kind of relationship with the family and maybe her but structured and limited. Parental rights were terminated she did not give the child up. She really has no say in the adoption. They don't terminate right lightly

Answer 20

Absolutely. And until things settle, supervised visits should be arranged by the caseworker at a family centre - they do have those in the the States, don't they?



How can it be 'good' to be totally cut off from your family - the ethics of this stink to high heaven

Answer 21

I'm not sure what state you're in, but in California, contact after the adoption is an issue left solely to the adopting family. It might be recommended for continuing contact but you're not going to be legally held to it, unless you put it in the adoption finalization, then they could hold you to it. I wouldn't recommend formalizing anything other than to say "at the discretion of the adopting family."



It can get sticky if you agree to it. But the trend is toward open adoptions.



Just be careful! Know your boundaries!



Good luck.

Answer 22

I honestly can not believe your asking this question,i kn ow it bothers you because what the mother was told, but she had her child taken off of her for not neglect SEVERE NEGLECT, i can not understand why your even considering letting her first mom to communicate with her? what next, she going to take your daughter out for the day? There is a reason why she has had her kid taken off her and if you really love this little girl you would cut her first mom out of her life and show her what a really loving family is. My sister had her kids taken off her, not for severe neglect but it was the best thing that happened to her and she dont see her kids now, i see the kids still and they are so much better off with another family. I think your being nosey and curious because you cant be seriously thinking you have this little girls best interests at heart if you want to put her through that. Good lcuk sleeping at night if you do get in contact with the disgrace of a human being.

Answer 23

The case worker does this for a living, she knows what she is talking about. She has the child's best interests in mind. They are not opposed to open adoption in all cases - just this one in specific.

Answer 24

No bad idea bad idea you have to think about the kid. If she is ever going to feel apart of your family she needs to be seen as part of your family. If you all start involving the natural mom then how will you see yourselves as her real parents not to mention that she will be confused. Look I and my husband are going through the same thing with my children he wants to adopt them but this means putting their families out of the picture not they are already but for good. And for a long time i disagreed with him. I didn't think it was fair but over time i realized that if i do involve the kids dads they will go through what my oldest one is dealing with now. He knows his dad and he feels guilty having two dads when he has to call his step dad dad in front of his real dad he feels really funny and she will to because she will most likely feel like she has to choose. She's your baby girl and thats all that matters she she's you as mommy and him as daddy and thats all she needs to know don't confuse her she has the right to be happy and loved by the two of you and you don't know what kind of pandoras box you'd be opening if you did.